When you are fat there is shame. You hide your body under a ton of clothes. You do not speak about the numbers on the scale and no matter how talented, accomplished or strong you are in comparison to others a part of you feels unworthy. At least I did.
My relationship to food has been a mess as long as I can think. the woman in my family all have issues with food, even some of the men. I was on my first diet at 7 and from there there was at least one diet a year. My mother and I did Crazy diets like Atkins, the watermelon diet, the pineapple diet, the soup diet- we did them all.
I was not really fat then, my mother just perceived me as such, but this cycle of dieting then binging we would engage in together at some point became a hell cycle. Suddenly food became the thing that took over everything and the more I was not supposed to have it the more I wanted to have it.
My relationship to my mother is complicated. The way of showing affection or giving rewards was often food, that hardwired itself in my brain. Food meant love, it meant comfort and my childhood being a difficult one it was what I clinged to as human connection was often volatile and warmth was not often to be found.
Eventually I did develop a weight problem I was usually always about 20 - 40 pounds over what I should be. I would compare myself to my mother. who has more of a light asian build, and that did me no favours either. Compared to her I felt like a giant sea cow and remember fat meant unlovable in my youthful mind; so I would stave myself lose the weight then binge and gain it back.
I became anorexic for a short period but eventually slid into bulimia. For years I would yoyo chasing the unattainable. I wanted to be Twiggy when I was clearly Marylyn. My median weight was usually around 80 kilogram ( 176 pounds) with dips into the lower 60’s ( 130’s ) and spiked into the 90’s (198 pounds ) at a hight of 170 cm (5.7 feet) - I desperately wanted to be under 50 kilograms (110 pounds) it became an obsession. It was my mother's weight who was 5.1 feet so a full fifteen cm shorter than I.
Fat meant ugly so I felt like my body was deformed. It was not until many years later that I could see beauty in fat people and appreciate it but even when I fond them beautiful the same rules did not apply to myself in my head. For years my weight fluctuated around the same numbers until I moved to the U.S. In Europe I had been extensively physically active this changed due to a lot of chaotic circumstances and a pretty bad abusive relationship. My yo-yoing became more extreme and my nutrition was a wasteland.
I was vegetarian at the time and my meals centred around cheese and junk food. when I say cheese, I mean cheese. Blocks of Swiss melted in the microwave that was my fix. That and coffee ice creme by the pint and loads of salt and vinegar crisps.
Eventually what was a good amount of muscle magically transformed into fat so while my weight did not dramatically go up my shape just turned into this amorphous thing. I would do the usual starvation diets and purges but I was skinny fat even in my good phases.
I was vegetarian for the animals since childhood so when I was confronted with the truth about the dairy and egg industry I had to take a good look at my spiciest behaviours and hypocrisy I decided to go Vegan on my 40th birthday. The first thing that happened is that I dropped a considerable amount of weight and while it was by no means skinny it was easier to maintain than before. The second thing that happened was that my rheumatoid arthritis that had been plaguing me for years vanished.
Things seemed to be tending up I started training again also stated to yoga. Then a very close friend died and the circumstances around her death just crushed me. My faith that had been my strongest foundation since childhood turned to dust I was struggling badly and fell into deep depression.
One says that trauma can trigger auto immune problems and in my life I have had more than my fair share of death and severe trauma. But this thing I guess tipped the scales suddenly I was having brain events and my balance was off. Things got progressively worse I lost all feeling in my legs and feet, my breathing would stop sometimes and my swallow reflex would glitch ; leaving me with food in my throat mid swallow. this would never last long but it was scary stuff.
Then came the pain, soul crushing pain episodes sometimes lasting over 8 hours. It took years to get a diagnosis. It was a gruelling horrific journey. I lost my home and livelihood in the process. I turned to my good old frenimy food. Afraid of choking, throwing up was no longer an option so all the food I ate stayed in me and landed as consequence on me.
I ballooned. At My heaviest I was 403 ( 182 kilograms) pounds at a hight of 170cm (5.7 feet ). The diagnosis was hereditary neuropathy caused by an underlying autoimmune issue. Which of the neuropathies they are still not sure yet they are still trying to find it out. Basically my immune system is attacking my peripheral and autonomous nervous systems. I have always had allergies but the list of things triggering me is increasing as well and it is long.
In the past years I have had a few attempts at losing weight but never went under 375 . I went Vegan for the animals so I still ate a shit diet, mostly junk and you guessed it vegan cheese.
In the beginning of the Pandemic I contracted Covid19 and while I was pretty sick I did pretty well in comparison to some others. However Covid is the gift that keeps on giving and on top of my other medical issues it triggered diabetes and insane bouts of uncontrollable blood pressure. This winter for the first time I really decided to do something. I was painfully aware that I was going to die if I kept going the route I was going. I am in my 50’s my body can’t handle this kind of abuse anymore.
My doctors pretty much told me I would have to live with my pain and heart issues as they can only help with the symptoms. As there is no cure for the disease and the american healthcare system does the absolute minimum for people on disability. I was pretty much on my own trying to fight this thing. Several doctors agreed my best bet would be to loose the weight at least so I would not die of stroke or a heart attack but the rest I would have to live with. At this point I had pain attacks daily and my quality of life was abysmal, the future they painted for me was unacceptable.
something in me stirred so I started reading research studies on alternatives and new methods to combat nerve degeneration. Out of these I created a supplement regimen that I will be discussing in other posts. I have made some real progress in that regard but it it still is an evolving thing.
At that point my weight was at 355 pounds ( 161 kg ) and I decided to finally target the weight issue properly I lost another 20 pounds (9 kg) but seemed stuck at 335.
I decided to go mostly raw vegan on my 54th birthday this year which was April 13th and have lost another 7 pounds( 3kg) since then. Most in the last week since I have put myself on a 1670 calorie diet .
Putting my whaleness out there is scary. It is in parts humiliating and I know some people might see me differently now they know; but I thought about this thoroughly if I make this work if I lose the weight, if I substantially improve my autoimmune issues my journey might help others in the same situation. Plus if I shine a big fat spotlight on myself I can’t hide the ugly anymore and need to do something about it - right ?
The 1670 Calories is based on me being sedentary fro medical reasons right now I will go into that more in another post. for now thank you for your interest.
Alex
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(Image credit Dave Renike and a portrait of the late loved and so very missed jubilee made by myself turned into this here universal truth meme)
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