Have you started to struggle with wakefulness?
You might be suffering from Narcolepsy. It's a lot more common than people think, affecting 1 in 2000 people worldwide.
Narcolepsy usually begins between the ages of 15 - 25, but can become apparent anytime you wake up and say, Holy crap, how did I get here? Did I just sleep through my whole life?
While there are some treatments available for Narcolepsy, there is no cure. Talk to your physician to find the treatment that is right for you.
While every case of Narcolepsy is unique, there is one thing that all Narcoleptics will experience, and experience a lot.
Naps.
Naps come in many forms, and nap-spotting among Narcoleptics and their families can become an interesting hobby in itself, akin to astronomy or bird-watching.
If you're new to narcolepsy and napping, have no fear! I've compiled a short-list of the most common specimens and how to handle them.
The Morning Re-Boot
Just stumbled out of bed an hour ago? That pot of coffee still sloshing through your insides? More fool you! You took yourself out of bed before you were done! Now get back in there and close your eyes for an hour or two until the caffeine kicks in, or you have to get up and pee for the fourth time.
Ain't no shame in starting the day at noon. Is there? Is there?
The Hypnagog
Oh, the visions and voices! You might as well make friends with them, because they're not going away. Maybe it's just the voice you normally use to talk to yourself in your head, except it gets a little drunk and rowdy as you drift off. Maybe you see things in the real world that aren't really there, and you're living in a Pokemon Go type of augmented reality. Or maybe you just start dreaming without warning, and suddenly think you're in a cave on another planet, talking to a giant superintelligent scorpion who dispenses soft-serve ice cream from his stinger.
Sometimes you'll come out of these visions refreshed, sometimes confused and disoriented. One thing's for certain. They make life interesting.
The Afternoon Daily
This is the big one. If you can keep to a schedule with it, you can almost feel as though you lead a normal life. 3 PM is best, but really it can land anywhere between 1 - 5 PM, and sometimes as late as 7. The important thing here is to keep up good form: ten to fifteen minutes of repose until you start to hear the voices, then 30 minutes of deep slumber, followed by an hour of agitated kicking and twiching as you try to shake off the sleep paralysis. Then by early evening you'll be jazzed up to go for a nice run, just as the sun starts going down!
The Worker's Resistance
Lesser employees might pilfer office supplies or cleaning products from their employers. Narcoleptics steal precious payroll hours!
Don't feel too badly; it's estimated that the average American employee gets all of three hours of work done in an eight hour day anyway. If anything, you're more efficient than average, because you're so embarrassed about the times you're catatonic that you work especially hard when you're alert. So do the best you can and be on the lookout for places you can snooze without getting caught. Practice the art of holding paperwork up in front of your face while you sleep. Train yourself to be sensitive to the sounds which absolutely must wake you up, like the office door latch, or your boss' footsteps. Have mental scripts ready so you can respond to workplace demands without being fully awake. Adrenaline will get your mind back up to speed fast enough to pick up the pieces before your next nap. Probably.
Time Snacks
These are the delicious little pockets of time where you're waiting for a computer to load a web-page or process a document. It's why those ancient PC's at the office can be such a boon - they take forever to do anything. Close one eye to rest half of your brain until the other one tells you it's time to start moving your fingers on the keys again.
The Second Slumber
Sometimes 15, 30, or 90 minutes of nap-time isn't enough. Sometimes you just need another full night's sleep right in the middle of the day. You intend to dip your toes in the river Lethe and you wake up miles downstream. Suddenly the house is dark and the dogs are crying to be fed. (Good thing you don't have children - amirite?)
Get up and do a few stretches. You'll feel great! Maybe. And good luck getting to sleep tonight!
What the hell, though. It's not like you ever sleep through the night anyway.
The Daylight Savings Interest Payment
Falling Back might seem like a gift straight from heaven. You mean I get to sleep through the same hour, twice!?! But it does nothing to offset the impact that Springing Forward will have on your sleep habits: expect to take at least one extra nap a day for 3 - 4 weeks, and if you're one of those lucky narcoleptics who feels fully awake for at least a few minutes during the day, well, you can kiss those minutes goodbye until mid-summer.
Jet-lag, for some reason, never seems as bad, especially if you're traveling with friends. It's probably because your sleep cycles are shit no matter what you do, and now you get to enjoy watching your companions suffer from the same symptoms. Expect them to share a newfound understanding with you for a few days, and then recover while you don't.
Reader's Repose
You love reading. It's always been your dream to build a life around words. That's why you're on Steemit, right? Too bad for you, curling up with a good book has gotten cross-wired in your brain with collecting a few more z's. It's impossible to scan more than a page or two before those voices in you head start chattering again - and they're not reading what you're reading.
Just go with it. The good news is that a few minutes asleep with a book on your chest will leave you refreshed for a more concentrated session when you wake up, even if you have to turn back a few pages from where you dropped off.
The Commuter's Pullover
Are you a narcoleptic with a driver's license and a pulse? Congratulations! You haven't killed yourself! Chances are you don't suffer from cataplexy, like those poor sufferers who drop to the ground any time someone says boo or tells them a joke. (They don't get to drive.) But that doesn't mean you don't have to be careful with your car.
Get to know the signs that a sleep-attack is imminent: fuzzy-headedness, those hypnagogic voices, double vision, confusion about where you are and how you got there. If you have a regular commute, keep a mental list of all the safe places you can pull over on your route to and from work. If you can't pull over right away, try rolling down the windows, screaming at the top of your lungs, and slapping yourself repeatedly in the face. This won't wake you up completely, but it might keep you in your lane until you reach a rest area or parking lot. Once you're safely parked, recline your seat, turn up the music, and gaze at the dashboard clock until you see it jump forward half an hour or so. Bang! That's a nap! Now give yourself another round of self-slapping and screaming, and you should be set for the trip home.
I hope this is worth a chuckle to a few fellow narcoleptics out there. I had a blast coming up with this list, and I'd love to hear from other dedicated nappers, narcoleptic or not.
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