I was aware of the ‘too-clingy’ parenting approach wherein parents stick to their kids all the time to make sure he/ she stays protected against all harms. But I didn’t know this approach had a name. Yesterday while working on a project for a client, I came across the terms ‘helicopter’ and ‘lawnmower’ parents which are the two popular but not-so-healthy types of clingy parenting approaches.
Today, I’d like to talk about these approaches and why they aren’t healthy for your child’s emotional and psychological well-being and development.
Who are the Helicopter and Lawnmower Parents?
Helicopter parents are those who keep hovering on top of their kids all the time just to make sure he/she stays fine, happy, entertained and protected. They are there to guide and instruct their child what to do and how to do at every step of the journey. For instance, if you are a helicopter parent, you wouldn’t let your child play on his own outside even if he is 12 and will make sure to loom over him at all times.
Lawnmower parents are a step ahead of the helicopter ones and act like a lawnmower in real. They smooth out the path in front of their child beforehand so that he doesn’t stumble and keeps walking straight and effortlessly.
While parents who adopt these approaches do so out of their love and concern for their kids, little do they realize that their approach is doing more harm than good to their kids. Both these approaches bring in a fair share of troubles for kids and put them on the risk of acquiring many issues.
Why these Approaches aren’t Healthy for Kids?
Research shows that the two parenting approaches described above put children at the risk of suffering from anxiety and even becoming narcissists. Let’s dig deeper into why these two approaches aren’t healthy and good enough for kids.
If you recall your own time as a kid, you would remember that you weren’t restricted from going out or playing with friends outdoors. Staying outdoors and not being directed by your parents about what to do and what to play allowed you to have lots of adventures and new experiences, many of which taught you great things and shaped up your confidence. Times have changed now and I agree that there is huge risk involved in leaving your child outdoors for long because of issues like abduction, child abuse and violence. That being said, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let your child have his own experiences.
If you are there to lay out his/ her steps every single time, how will he/ she stumble, fall and learn from mistakes and experiences? If you don’t let your child encounter, face and manage obstacles on his own now, he/ she would want your assistance even when he/ she grows up and would expect you to be there every single time.
Well, you cannot always be there for your kid. You cannot accompany him in every job interview he/ she has or each time he/ she meets new clients or each time he/ she goes on a date, and what about when you bid adieu to this world? Who will take care of your bundle of joy then? If you don’t let your child learn and grow now, chances are he/ she will never learn to combat obstacles, accept them and find solutions to improve his situation. If you smoothing out the path for him, he/ she will never learn to create his own path.
Often, lawnmower parents have decided the path they wish for their child to walk on especially when it comes to their career. Since the child has learned to do what his/ her parents say because so far it has worked out for him/ her or because it is an easier thing to do or because by doing what his/ her parents say he/ she doesn’t have to through problems much, often he/ she accepts their decision.
However, mostly such kids regret doing so later in life and wish they had stood up for their rights and created their own path. Since they aren’t encouraged to think on their own, discover and explore themselves and be the writers of their life’s story, they never get to dig deeper into their passions. It is years later when they come across any article or written material or any experience that teaches them the importance of figuring out your own life and infusing meaning into it that they realize what happened to them.
Such kids often blame their parents for being controlling and for not giving them the independence, liberty and courage they needed to be the masters of their lives. At that point, they don’t think of why their parents did that but focus solely on how their behavior sabotaged their lives. I personally know of a few people who had lawnmower parents. Those parents did what they thought was best for their kids but their kids turned out to be dependent, unsure and unconfident. Not only that but one of them had marital and professional problems because of his lawnmower parents too.
This shows that lawnmower and helicopter parenting styles are clearly not healthy for your kids and techniques you should refrain from practicing.
What Should We Do Then?
If we shouldn’t behave as helicopters and lawnmowers with our kids, what should we do then? Well, we need to opt for the good enough parenting approach instead. The lawnmower and helicopter parenting styles stem from a need of perfecting things. Parents often fear they aren’t good enough so they try to perfect their approach which often leads to the styles discussed above.
Since perfectionism is a myth and I have often talked about it in my blogs, the right way to parent kids is to use the good enough approach just like you settle for good enough results when doing your work. Using this approach, you need to be a good enough parent who aims to raise a good enough, confident and independent child. Don’t try to protect them from every obstacle and every challenging experience. Instead, let them have their own experiences, make their mistakes and learn from them. this opens their mind and broadens their horizons and helps them understand things better.
Also, let your children get bored because boredom breeds creativity. Helicopter parents often try their best to provide engaging activities for their kids so they don’t feel bored but in that process, they often restrict their child to behave a certain way and keep him/ her from unlocking their creativity. For instance, sometime back I used to give my son my phone to play with or put on his favorite animated movie on the laptop every time I felt he was getting bored. Then I came across an article that made me realize I was doing more harm than good to him and that boredom breeds creativity so slowly I cut back on his screen time.
He didn’t like that at first but slowly I encouraged him to play with me or on his own when I was busy. Soon, he started coming up with creative games to kill his boredom and his crankiness started disappearing too. I was amazed and happy with this improvement and kept improving my parenting style to bring more positive changes in him.
Since the safety conditions are bad here in Pakistan and my son is only 4, I cannot leave him alone, unattended on the street to play with other kids but I do take him to the local park and let him run at a larger distance alone. He is now interacting with other kids his age in a better manner and is slowly becoming more confident too. I know there will come a time when I’ll have to let him move on his own so I am slowly preparing himself and me for that time to come so we can both handle it well.
Do share your views on the topic in the comments below. Hope you enjoyed it.
Love,
Sharoon.
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