Lately I've just been scared of myself. Scared to be myself really. For the most part I'm unsure who I even am because of the distinct and acknowledged ideologies I hold. Astrology helped me hone in on how I express myself versus how I really feel. And there is definitely a fine split...maybe even a crackling. There are days when I want the world to heal, to fall in love with one another and stop the wickedness that it expresses. Other times I am in this pure malicious state of yearning for the destruction of every soul on this planet because of their idiocy.
I'm working on it. Knowing that these extremes are not good because I am a human who requires balance. Inside I am loving but once it reaches the outside I feel I have to aggressive and hurtful. So as I deal with this journey I turn to writing...to music...to performing. I want to be rapper. Why? Because the game right now is trash and they're making it feel easy for me. But then again...it could be that I'm trash like the rest of them and just letting my ego amp me up...
but I want to fill you in a secret. It's going to sound crazy...but lately accepting crazy is the only thing keeping my sane. There is a being inside of me. Either my true self, my MOTHER, or a combination of both. She speaks when I'm alone, at least I feel that way. When I'm alone she comes out and all the other beings hidden within, the other voices I hear in my head begin to manifest vocally and musically. Mind you I have only piano as my musical background and even that I haven't played since I was 14. So my voice could be trash. My lyrics could be trash. My music taste could be trash. But when I'm doing this I feel like a part of me is real...and it's hungry to devour competition. Visually and musically.
Ianna has been on mind for years, Lilith was the first encounter but not I've narrowed it down to this grand Dark Mother. Loving, encouraging and yearning to give the crystal waters to the world...but her rage...it's undeniable. She wants to consume everything once more...to make it better. And since everyone is crying to be saved...she'll drown them because they want to be free.
I'm a child of hers, whoever she is. And whether not that's reality, I feel it be true. And I want to take my gift...and churn this world into something better. But I'm living in a Dark Age...coming into Light in the next 40 years I hope. I want to be around when it finally springs up from the dark soil.
How will I do it? I have ideas. A witch shouldn't reveal the spell before it's done. But I know that as I sit in front of my altar, listening to music, words spew out and if I let go enough I can really tread words together. Now mind you, it's not the best...but my flow is undeniable to myself. Sometimes I wonder where the sound springs from. My influence was Azealia Banks in the beginning, the Mermaid Witch. But as I began to dig deeper into my iPod and listening to everything I had from childhood to now, my influences are scattered and they surely make my sound distinctly mine. I desire to be possessed by this being within me, to finally give her voice the power she desires. I want to save myself but I'm scared to be hurt, to be rejected...
But the theme of the day laste week was Risk...take that risk honey. You don't know until you try. You won't know until you do it. And even if it's rejected...you can perfect it until they swallow it all. Right now we're in an age where you can do anything and be held supreme. Fail or Succeed. I don't want to be meme...but everything becomes one now. I don't want to fail...I hate failing at things I'm passionate about. Healing everything and everyone is my goal...but not everyone wants to get better...and there are some that enjoy being sick. How do I fight that?
I continually am told you can't help everyone...and I know that. But I have to fight the ones that don't want anyone to be helped. Those are the ones that piss me off. Those are the ones that should be slaughtered, figuratively...for the most part. I think about the great magicians that have left our plane, that understood what it meant to express themselves artistically...will their energies come back to assist us in energizing music in my country? Other countries have their own issues and some are doing extremely better in regards to creativity, but the US is full of excrement at the moment and we need to clean it up.
Harsh? Maybe. But that's how I feel. I'm done being scared. I'm done holding myself back and denying the things I want. I will become what my intrinsic desire is to be.