Serbia (quietly fingering Albania). Ouch! Russia, I have someone touches.
Russia (quietly fingering Turkey). As long as I'm with you, no one will touch you.
Austria-Hungary (mockingly). So cute, optimistic.
France (in a whisper). Russia, what about... well, you know...
Russia (loud). Hit Germany?
France (wincing). Quiet, damn...
Germany (hearing). What?! (Aside) Austria-Hungary, you with me?
Austria-Hungary. Of course. Colonies never too much. Hey, Italy, will be the third?
Italy (reluctantly). Maybe.
Germany (embracing Italy). Excellent! And our union we shall call... (quickly recalculates members)... Triple Alliance!
France (ironically). What a flight of fancy. (Aside): Britain, they will beat you too. Do not show off.
Britain (sigh). Just think up a name decently.
(Britain, France and Russia concluded an alliance "Entente" - "Consent")
Luxembourg (sandwiched between Germany and France). I was plagued by vague doubts...
Act II. 1914-1915 years.
(In Austria-Hungary kill Franz Ferdinand Prince)
Austria-Hungary (happily). So, everyone saw? Serbs killed my prince!
Serbia (in a panic). Fuck off, the animal! It's not me!
Austria-Hungary (introduces troops in Serbia). Find out later.
Russia (starting the mobilization). What you think you are!?
Germany (arrogant). Hey, Russia, chill out.
Russia (without stopping the mobilization). Fuck you.
Germany. What you think you are!?
(Germany declares war against Russia)
France (clutching his head). Stay!
Germany (turning). Who is it croaks?
France (nervously). I.
Germany (rolling up the sleeves). So, Luxembourg, move over, I am going to hit her now.
Luxembourg (unsuccessfully trying to crawl away from Germany) Fuck! (Chattering) We, the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg, officially declare its neutrality and ... Ah!
Germany (introduces troops in Luxembourg). I'm sorry, what?
Luxembourg (doomed). Nothing. Silent.
Belgium (watching Germany). Britain, we urgently need to talk!
Britain (turning around and leading puzzled eyes on the map). Excuse me, I am ready to swear that before there was a Luxembourg!
Germany (invades Belgium). You still say that there used to be Belgium.
Britain (adjusting his pince-nez). Germany, I declare war on you. Fight, pig.
(Austria-Hungary attacked Russia)
Russia (confused). Oh, you dickhead. (Bounces)
Germany (irritably). Shayze! Italy, are you going to fight or not?
Italy (pretending to be deaf). Who is there?
Germany (furious). You promised!
Italy (in a whisper). Fuck you.
(Italy is negotiating with the Entente and attacks on Austria-Hungary)
Austria-Hungary (fighting from Italy, Serbia, and Russia). Fuck!
San Marino. Hey, Austro-Hungary.
Austria-Hungary (wags her head). What a fucking peep?
San Marino. I will send against you volunteers. Are you ready for the painful defeat?
Austria-Hungary (trying to identify the source of the sound). Mice bred, not otherwise.
San Marino (confidently). Your end, get ready. Soldiers! To battle!
(San Marino sends 20 soldiers to the aid of Italy)
Italy (sarcastically). Well now a victory in my pocket.
San Marino (with a touch of pathos). Do not thank.
Switzerland. Khm.
All countries of the world (in chorus). Yes Yes?
Switzerland (with authority). I hope none of you ...
All countries of the world (involuntary bowing). Of course, of course, we never ... We never thought ...
Switzerland (making sloppy gesture). You can continue.
Britain (loud whisper). Ps-s-st, Australia ...
Australia (While playing with the kangaroos). What?
Britain (cramp scary faces and pointing outlook on Japan). Do not Sit back!
Australia (in a whisper). Fuck. (Aside) Hey Japan, what do you do?
Japan (watching the war in Europe). Oh, nothing, watching telly.
Australia (with feigned enthusiasm). Maybe somewhere to descend?
Japan (indifference). Come on.
Australia (happily clapping her hands). Oh, how wonderful! I'll take a friend, do you mind?
Japan. Yes, you can.
Australia. Zealand, get ready, we go for a walk.
(Japan, Australia and New Zealand captured the German colonies in the Pacific)
Germany (clutching his head). Damn! Turkey!
Turkey. What do you want?
Germany. Let's let us strike Russia. For this, after the war, I'll give you ...
Turkey (interrupting). Russia! I declare to you the Jihad! And you, France! And you, Britannia! And even Japan! AND…
Germany (surprised). My God.
Russia (fighting from Turkey, Germany and Austria-Hungary). Fuck! Bulgaria, help!
Bulgaria (with feigned indifference). And what I get for this?
Russia (affectionately). And what do you want?
Bulgaria (thoughtfully). Piece of Serbia, Greece, and a piece for dessert - a piece of Romania.
Serbia, Greece and Romania (in chorus). what a fuck?
Russia (softly). Bulgaria, I think it's overkill. Let's talk.
Britain (from afar). Give her a Dickhead, not Greece!
Bulgaria (furious).Ah, dickhead?
(Bulgaria declared war on the Entente countries)
Russia. Damn! Britannia!..
Britain (shrugging his shoulders). Well, I got excited.
(Germany and Austria-Hungary deal a blow to Russian forces in Poland and western Ukraine, begins Great retreat of the Russian army).
Russia. Fuck!
Act III. 1916-1918 years.
Britain (increasing the pressure on Germany). And the United States, what about the war?
USA (with interest looking for events in Europe). Wait a little bit.
Britain (quietly). Hairy dickhead.
Russia (Turks and Germans song). Romania, what about the union?
Romania (thoughtfully). It seems the winner already decided. (Loudly) Russia, I'm with you. Here is a list of land. Will you give it to me after the vict... Fuck!
(Germany, Austria-Hungary and Bulgaria capture Romania)
Russia (clutching his head). Great ally.
Germany (in a whisper). Hey, Mexico, how about Texas?
Mexico (with interest). What about Texas?
Germany (more quietly). If the United States would support Britain, you attack the United States and the seizure of Texas.
Mexico (losing interest). Germany, go to hell.
Britain (listening in). Hey, the US, Germany wants to set on you Mexico!
US (surprised). What a fuck?(Attacking Germany) You finished badly, dear.
Germany (in a panic). Damn!
(By the war on the side of the Entente are connected Portugal, Greece and Brazil)
Honduras (from a distance). Germany, declare war on you, too!
Germany (wearily). You what for?
Honduras (without approaching). Suck!
Iceland (escaping from the embrace of Denmark). Denmark, let me go, I'll fuck them!
Denmark (stroking Iceland). Hush, hush, little.
Switzerland (distracted from recalculation of money). Fucking circus.
Russia. Khm khm.
Britain (without looking). Russia, why do you have such a voice? (Turning around) Damn! Where is the king?
Russia (scratches himself). Out. We are now a republic. Commands Provisional Government.
Britain (suspiciously) Why are you you itch?
Russia (scratches himself furiously). A nonsense. Communism has picked up, will soon pass.
Britain (turning away, absently). Okay, but what about ... (turning back) Damn! Where provisional government ?!
Russia (slight lisp). Untimely death. The king, too. We are now Soviet Russia.
Britain (in horror). Fucked up!
Germany (hugging the Russia). Let's talk…
(Russia signed peace with Germany and her allies, recognizing his defeat in the war)
Germany (smug). Having lived a little longer.
Entente countries (increasing the pressure). Did not guess.
(From Russia begin to fall off the Ukraine, Finland, Estonia and other countries)
France (with surprise). This is what else is?
Ukraine (scratches himself). And what is wrong?
France (suspiciously). Are you on which side?
Ukraine (shrugging his shoulders). We are an independent republic ... (communists capture Kiev) Fuck! All power to the Soviets. (The Germans beat the Communists from Kiev) Fuck! Forever with Germany. (Germans go from Kiev) Fuck! Glory to Ukraine. (Kiev passes from hand to hand among the troops of the UPR, the Whites and the Communists) Fuck! But what of crap!
Australia (watching from a distance the changing colors Ukraine). Cool. Like a chameleon.
France and Greece (the invasion of Ukraine). Go fuck chameleon ... Ouch! Painfully! (Withdrawal from Ukraine) Okay, fight without us.
Bulgaria (helplessly). Everything is heading towards the pit. I give up.
Turkey. So do I.
Austria-Hungary (scratches himself). And I.
(Entente and their allies pushed around Germany on all fronts)
Germany (with infinite fatigue). I also give up. I'm sick and tired.
(German Empire is falling)
Austria-Hungary and Turkey (in chorus). What the ... Damn!
(Austro-Hungarian and Ottoman empires are falling apart).
Kingdom of Iceland (appearing on the map, ominously). Mua-ha-ha!
Winners (looking at dozens of new countries, millions of graves, civil wars across Europe, in chorus). Fucked up.
The curtain.
Original article by Yury Gudimenko(RU):https://site.ua/yuriy.gudimenko/2097-kak-nachinayutsya-mirovye-voyny-18/
How to start world wars? History in Faces. Funny Edition
