I looked up the topic of toxic bosses today... because one of my new managers is definitely a problem. The main manager is a little prickly, but otherwise good... one is super good - to the extent that you know everything's going to be okay when he's there... but the other... He likes to micromanage things in a bad way...

(Some people simply love to be the boss! - Source)

When I looked up toxic bosses, I found this video with Dr. Ramani - someone who I definitely encourage you to follow - both here on Med Circle - and on her own channel. She is a narcissist expert and is very good for anyone who has been at the brunt of a narcissist.

Chaos

So, the main thing that she mentions that I feel the need to elaborate on is the narcissist boss's need to create chaos (because it makes them feel powerful) - which is exactly what I am talking about... Two examples now (and I've been there two weeks.)

First. When I host, I am responsible for assigning tables to an appropriate server - generally within their sections, but sometimes exceptions must be made such as today when we had a group of 17 show up and we had to work out where they were going to go and what server was going to handle them...

But it was another day when I had things under fairly good control and this manager comes up (calling him C) and asks me why server T had nore tables than K... I tried to explain that it was because everyone was getting another table this round unless something changed, but C didn't listen to me. Instead, he had K take the new table... then, K had to run quite a long ways between all his tables because of this manager... (Another time C did this, manager A then came and asked me why server M was running so far!)

Second. Today, I was working "expo" - which is where the dishes get their garnishes... parsley, lemons, sauces, etc...

C came and told me that I need to do it differently... that I need to get all the dishes on the trays and have whomever is there run the food to whatever table... which was creating chaos - because when the dishes are on the trays too soon, the trays get too hot... and most servers prefer to run their own food (unless they are falling behind or have a large table) because otherwise, they lose track of what's happening.

(I talked to a couple of the more experienced servers who agreed with my assessment of the situation.)

So, yes... chaos rules when C is in charge.

As usual, I'm simply sharing a YouTube video - all rights remain with the original uploader.

Here's another video on how to deal with this toxic boss or difficult manager.

Five signs of a toxic boss:

1. He/she doesn't listen to your ideas or suggestions.
   C definitely doesn't listen to me when I tell him why I do things a certain way.

2. They micromanage you.
   C definitely micromanages - taking over what I'm doing in order to do things his way - and sometimes contrary to what other managers have taught me. He doesn't give me the freedom/space to do my job properly.

3. They don't take care of you.
   Nothing to comment on this one at this point... and he does ask me if I'm doing okay, though given that he doesn't listen, this could be for show.

4. They set you unrealistic goals and targets.
   Not explicitly, but he was telling me how when he was training in my position (a different restaurant), he was being told to get faster, etc... so, maybe trying to show me that he's reasonable in expecting me to do a lot better already.

5. They never praise you.
   I wasn't expecting C to do this... But, Manager B called me his "Swiss Army Knife" two days ago because I can do so many things already - and fill in wherever I'm most needed. Even though he has to correct me from time to time, he still values me - and I never doubt it.

Five steps to resolve the situation quickly.

1. Decide whether you want to stay working the job.
   If I didn't have manager B, I would definitely be looking for something else again... But for the moment, I do want to stay on - at least get fully trained. Manager B pulled some strings to make sure I felt I could afford the job - even in an industry that is relatively uncertain.

2. Keep doing your work and maintain professionalism if you decide to stay.
   This is my plan.
   Avoid becoming a target for the narcissist, by doing your job properly.

3. Never gossip about your toxic boss to other co-workers.
   This is because narcissists, especially, are good at having "flying monkeys" around them - people who they can depend to be on their side, enabling their behavior.

I have spoken to a couple of others, but mostly because I'm trying to gauge whether it's "just me" or not... having determined that it's not "just me", I plan to only talk to Manager B and ask him for advice on how to handle the situations I outlined above.

1. Keep detailed records of what they say and do.
   This post is an example of this...
   And as I work with Manager B, it should help.

2. Let your boss know that you're not happy about how you're being treated...
   The premise being that the boss might not understand how they're affecting you

I think Dr. Ramani would disagree with this sentiment... her experience with narcissists shows that most of these guys know and LIKE that they're affecting you as they are... because it makes them feel powerful - just like when they cause chaos.

My plan is to talk to Manager B - and either enlist his back-up and/or get his advice on how to deal with Manager C... And do my job to the best of my ability.

What to do next? Maybe...

This video gives you a script to use that might just help get your point across to your boss - if you're having a similar trouble. As he suggests, remember to not raise your voice or show anger - no matter what the reply is. Your job is to communicate your dissatisfaction - nothing else. What the response is - is your boss's responsibility.

Worth a listen if you, also, have a toxic boss.

For me, my plan is to get well-trained in the current position for a few months, at least, at which point, I should be able to work in any restaurant I desire as the training is very good. Winter is coming, which will bring changes to our local restaurants anyway... at that time, I will decide what to do next.

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Lori Svensen
author/designer at A'mara Books
photographer/graphic artist for Viking Visual
(Buy my work at RedBubble, TeePublic, PicFair and DeviantArt.)
verified author on Goodreads
(Buy my books at Books2Read and at LBRY)
find me on Twitter

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