How much sadness there is in my life, without a hint of hope and a smile, chronic depression floods my days, my nights are empty, my soul shudders, my heart is hopelessly broken.
I have no hope of getting out of this prison, of seeing the light again, part of me wishes for contact with nature, but people will hurt me in some way, because I love them and their actions cause me so much pain.
With the arrival of old age I become more sensitive to everything and it is very difficult for me to avoid emotional attachment, because I am extremely selective, I usually get attached to people who do not love me, who only use me, so I isolate myself.
My soul feels so lonely, I was waiting for my soul mate, but I have lost faith, sometimes I think that the people around me are my reflection or maybe my bad side, but I avoid bringing out those emotions because I know that they hurt people deeply, I think a lot about things.
Oh, my soul, how much sadness you carry on your shoulders, I can't take it anymore, if I were not such a coward I would end my suffering at once, each day is harder than the other and when I think I've overcome it, a more difficult test comes to me.
So many desires for a nice love, to feel loved and wanted, but I have only received mistreatment.
The tears are flowing in unrestrained quantities on my cheeks, they feel so cold, each one of them, so full of feelings and pain. I just think, why so much injustice, I don't deserve this.
I have collapsed.
My mind can't find a way out of anything, I feel so alone, vulnerable, helpless. I feel like I am disappearing. With my life hanging by a thread, waiting for my death, waiting for rest, but it doesn't come. Deep down, if you ask me, I want to live, but not suffering.
My soul sobs.
I'd like to hug her and tell her to keep calm, that everything passes, but she's bound to my heart and mind, I can't fool her. My body is in no condition to console her. I wish someone would, but I'm already afraid.
My heart aches.
I am so depressed, I don't feel part of this horrendous reality I live in and I program mimente to be lost, please forget, forget, forget, forget.
But forgetting things, makes me make the same mistakes again. My soul, we need each other, it's just the two of us. There's only you. Help me up.
My tears, they have become a sea that has no beginning and no end. Now I have become a floating board looking at the clouds of a sad and gray sky. I am so thirsty, but the water is so bitter. I am thirsty. Thirsty for a smile, for a sincere embrace, for a real love that shines for me and makes me feel that I am worth a lot without hurting me.
I want my freedom, but I've been imprisoned for so many years that I'm even afraid of it. I escaped several times, but no matter how hard I fought it all went wrong and I ended up coming back here, maybe sadness and loneliness is my place of comfort, but, if it were so, I wouldn't be complaining, I can't stand so much pain.
I feel guilty.
I am aware, although I have not propitiated people's actions, I allow them to hurt me, to use me and hurt me, I give them too much importance. But it turns out that my heart and feelings are tied to them, but they lie, they cheat, I hate lies so much. The manipulations.
I have tried to strengthen myself, I had to accept that I can no longer do it alone, but help ends up being like the story of the kitten and the bird of which I only remember the paragraph:
A bird was eating seeds on the ground, but she was very cold, a cow passed by and threw manure on her, it was warm and she felt better, but she couldn't stand the foul smell very much, the manure hardened and the bird was trapped, a cat passed by and realized there was a trapped bird, easy food, she uncovered the bird, the bird felt blessed to have freedom again, but the cat ate her.
I only remember part of that story, which applies to my life, I understand the moral, not everyone who helps you does it with good intentions. Unfortunately I only run into those types of people. I feel so alone.
I only have my writings and my tears to unburden myself, because I have lost even my voice.
I didn't want to die without tasting happiness, one day I could feel it with my hands, but it lasted so little.
I should feel grateful for that, it will be those memories that will accompany me on my journey to the afterlife.
My memories are my refuge, but I long to be happy again and to be able to give happiness.
I'll just be here, crying a little, letting the pain come out, until I can get up again, trying to maintain my mental lucidity, shocked by so much reality.
This is my loneliness, this is my exile, sharing on the theme of the week.
Pictures courtesy of Pixabay
