When we talk about resentment towards other people, it pains our hearts, but when it’s resentment towards oneself. It’s a different feeling entirely. It’s like something keeps gnawing at your insides, you’re filled with so much self-hate, you can’t even fathom it. There were so many wild, eventful things that happened in my secondary school, so I’ll be sharing one of them today.🌺
It was in my last year of junior class. In most schools, that particular class symbolizes the beginning of awareness. Like we all go to sleep one day and wake up suddenly aware of the opposite sex. Maybe it’s cause most of us turn thirteen so it’s like an eye-opener or something. It was in this class that I got involved in something against my lack of better judgement.🤦🏽♀️
I’d always been the kind of friend you’d want to gist with, tell me about your crushes and love interests. So when my friend came to me crying that the guy she liked wasn’t noticing her like she would have wanted, I felt bad for her. She kept crying that she’d done things like helping with his notes, smiling at him, all those things that adolescents considered as an obvious green light, but the guy seemed not to get any of them.😐
On an awful strike of inspiration, my friend turned to me and said I could talk to him on her behalf. I didn’t hesitate to refuse such a ridiculous request. But she begged me, saying that I was good with words and if anyone could make him ‘see’ her, it was me.😊
Thinking about it later on, I should have just said that if they were meant to work out, they would, with or without my help. It would have hurt her feelings at the time but hey..... It’s way better than the things that happened afterwards.
I talked to the guy and told him in very plain words that my friend was a nice person. I sang her praises so intensely, it would have made King David in the Bible very proud. By the way, this was the very first time I had a conversation with this guy and I just wanted to leave cause I didn’t talk to guys that much at the time.
I’m guessing you guys know where I’m going with this. It was to my utter horror when a guy, supposedly his friend brought a letter to me saying it was from James, which was the guy my friend liked. I assured him that he was mistaken, and whatever letter that was had to be for my friend. He insisted that it was meant for me, and as I read it, alongside my friend, I nearly fainted in shock.😭
This guy poured out his feelings for me, stating that I was actually the one he liked and he had been thinking of approaching me for a while. There was a bunch of other stuff that I couldn’t even read because my friend was livid. She accused me of being a sneaky, conniving, snake. Honestly, the names she called me would make a pirate quiver in his boots. All my efforts to assure her that I never said or did anything to warrant the guy’s misplaced affection fell on deaf ears.💔
I lost my friend that day. And as the days went by, my disbelief turned to guilt and then to resentment. I started second-guessing myself. The more I thought about it, the more my mind painted images that made me feel like I had actually flirted with the guy. I felt so bad and disgusted with myself. I didn’t even like the guy so why would I come onto him? I felt like I didn’t deserve friends and when bad things happened to me, I took it as God’s punishment for trying to take my friend’s guy. My thirteen-year-old mind suffered a lot.
It was a long while before I could forgive myself. I talked to a senior student and explained everything and she made me understand that I did nothing wrong, except agree to talk on her behalf. She told me I should never do that cause things like that had a way of turning back to bite us in the arse. Through her encouragement, I finally forgave myself. I let go of my self-hate and resentment and when I could, sat my friend down and explained everything to her. Girls tend to hold grudges but I’m glad she eventually forgave me.
I learnt really valuable lessons from that experience and I’m happy it all turned out well in the end.✨
