There's a kind of longing that's hard to put into words.
It's not the missing of someone's who's gone - it's the ache for someone who could have been in your life but isn't. Someone you thought would always be there, until life quietly pulled them away in ways you never saw coming.
I remember one friendship in particular. We were inseparable for a time - our lives intertwined in a way that felt so natural. We talked for hours, shared dreams, and made plans that felt like they'd last forever. There was something about her that made me feel like we understood each other in ways no one else did. I thought, this is someone who will be in my life for a long time.
But then, slowly, we drifted apart.
At first, it wasn't anything big. A missed text here and there, a cancelled hangout. Life happens, right? But then more time passed. We both got busy with school, work, different friendships, and slowly the connection we once had started to feel like a distant memory. I tried to hold on, reaching out occasionally, but it never felt the same. She was still there, still living her life, but we weren't a part of each other's anymore. And I don't think either of us knew how to bridge that gap.
It's a strange feeling.
You don't get the closure you need when it's a slow fade. It's not the dramatic kind of loss, the kind where you fight and shout and part ways with a clear ending. No, It's quieter, more painful. It's when you realize, one day, that you miss someone who is still out there in the world, but isn't a part of your world anymore.
I find myself replaying the moments we had - those late-night talks about everything and nothing, laughing until we couldn't breathe. And I wonder what happened? Was it me? or her? Was there a moment when we could've turned things around or were we always meant to drift?
And then I start thinking about all the relationships in my life - friendships, family, even romantic connections - that were never meant to last. How many time have I wondered if things could've been different, if I had just said one more word, made one more effort?
Maybe that's one of the hardest part of growing up - realization that not every connection is supposed to reach it's full potential. Not every bond is meant to last forever.
It's in those moments, late at night when everything else is quiet, that I realize just how much I miss out what we could have had. I miss the version of her that was my best friend, the version of us that made promises we thought we'd keep.
And I wonder, does she miss it too? Does she ever think about the life we could have had, or did she already let go the way I'm still learning to?
Maybe it's easier for her, I don't know. But I can't help but feel like there's this piece of me still waiting for that connection to come back, waiting for that conversation we never had.
But then I remind myself: maybe we weren't meant to keep going. Maybe we were just two people who crossed paths at a certain point in life, and our journey together was only meant to last as long as it did.
Still, I carry that longing with me.
Still, I miss her. And I wonder what could have happened if we had tried harder?
I guess that's the hardest part of all: not knowing what could have been, and learning to live with the unanswered questions.
Image is mine