Have you ever felt like you are cramped- alone in your own little corner of the world? Have you ever felt like the world is against you and that you are not doing just enough? Have you ever felt like you are in a world filled with thousands of people, yet, you struggle to find genuine people who are about you? And when you finally do,they don't understand you. They don't put you first, but you always put them first in anything you do but it's not being reciprocated. Imagine toiling day and night, putting efforts into people, only to find out that you are pouring water into a basket with hundreds of holes.
For as long as I can remember, this issue has remained a constant burden in my heart. I don't always talk about it, not because I don't want to but because I don't know how. How do you explain a feeling that doesn't have a name? Or maybe there's a name for this feeling that I don’t know about. If I tell someone how I feel or the way I'm feeling they might not understand. But if there's something I have learned , it is that sadness isn't just emptiness , it's proof that something mattered, that you cared.
I remember when I was in junior secondary school when I always begged for friendship. So there were these two girls in my school whom I admired. I envied their friendship a lot that I wanted to be a part of it. One Monday morning, I summoned the courage and went to them that I wanted to be a part of their circle. Who wouldn't like a friendship triangle? I literally begged for their friendship. It took so many “please” and “I promise to be good” before they finally accepted me.
But I felt like they only accepted because I wouldn't stop disturbing them about it. I wanted a genuine friendship, but I was the third wheel. I forced the friendship and faced the repercussions. I have realized that I am always the second option or the third wheel. It is only when people need me that they come to me. When I noticed that I was just the wheel, I was hurt but couldn't do anything about it. That's when I realized friendship can never be forced, it's just something that comes naturally.
So since then, I have never forced friendships or relationships. I mind my business. I do things on my own and in my own way. When I got to the university, I made some friends, but I made sure I was not too close to them because I didn’t want the same thing to happen to me again. They always complain that I seem distant and that I'm not always telling them things, but they don't know that I am like that because I was scared to be hurt again. So I tried to change, thinking they were serious about me but then I got hurt again, I realized I wasn't put first in the friendship, it's like I'm only there when they need something. It then made me question myself, am I the problem here? Why am I always the second option?
There are nights when I lie awake, staring at the ceiling feeling this strange heaviness in my chest.
There are times I would want to cry and want to express myself so much, but I'm so used to pretending I'm fine. I can be laughing, working, making plans, and still feel something inside me is sinking.
Have you ever felt a sadness so deep that it doesn't have a name? Have you ever felt like you are carrying a secret burden that no one else sees? Maybe the heart weeps from , not just from pain but from love, from loss, from all the things we never got to say. Any maybe, just maybe that's okay.
Images in this post are mine
Thanks for reading.