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What do you tell yourself when you hit rock bottom?
How do you convince yourself that you have what it takes to surpass all the roadblocks?
Just a few days ago, I’ve been in the shithole again. This time it’s worse than the last. I have shared a few words about my struggles before but that's it. Some of you have the purest hearts and kindest souls to have sent love, support, and care all across the globe, and believe me, I felt it. I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all 
Well, I guess the more important question now is: How am I doing today compared to the one week ago? I guess, I'm better.
It wasn't the first time I felt I hit a dead end. The feeling of helplessness paralyzed me. But every time, all I do is let all the emotion out. I've been in a situation where the right response should've been anger and hatred but I kept it in, believing that anger wouldn't do me any good. I instantaneously forgave everyone who wronged me which later on caused me my peace. Right after last week's relapse, I finally was able to let it all out. I got angry and I realized there was a thin line between stupidity and kindness. I'd rather be kind to myself. I shut off a few people out of my life for good. Well, I could still see them from time to time; I just have to learn how to act civil around them. I told myself "I'll come back stronger!"
Other than letting the suppressed emotion out in the world, I have one other tactic to remind myself how strong I am. I sit down and recall a difficult time in the past when I thought I'd never survive. For me, the most difficult one I survived was the same thing that pushed me to travel to ZamBaSulTa.
An adventure of a lifetime begins
After saying goodbye to Ate Sheila and her lovely family who became our instant friends we headed to Tawi-tawi port to catch the boat that would take us back to Zamboanga City. I rode a plane going to Tawi-tawi but the one and only flight going back to Zamboanga City was canceled. Should I decide to rebook it, the flight will be in two days. I'd love to spend more time in Tawi-tawi but this meant I wouldn't be able to visit Basilan and Sulu. I took the road less traveled and decided the 18-hour boat ride back to Zamboanga was the best option, if not the only option at the moment.
I was out of words to describe the scene at Tawi-tawi port. Cebu is chaotic at rush hour but Tawi-tawi Port felt like they never encountered the word 'organized' all their life. At one glance, I could tell that the ferry was overloaded with both goods and passengers. I wondered why both goods and passengers were coming in and out of the ferry which for me caused the delay. In highly urbanized parts of the Philippines, Coast Guards are strict, but here, it seemed like it was the last day on Earth and everyone wanted to leave this place.
What made this boat ride more exciting was we didn't have tickets. "How could you ride the ferry without a ticket?" "Isn't that illegal?" I'm a conscientious person but I thought breaking the law once wouldn't hurt. Kuya Melchor, Ate Sheila's husband, has friends in the port who he contacted to ensure we ride the ferry that night.
We were there hours before the ferry departed the port but couldn't enter the ferry until most passengers with tickets had boarded the ferry. Each waiting moment was filled with fear that we might not make it to Zamboanga on time for my other trips to commence. But after testing our patience, I and another tourist finally boarded the ferry.
Just when we thought the worst was over; it was just getting started. The ferry was overloaded with goods, vehicles and passengers. And since we didn't secure our tickets, we had nowhere to go. My resourcefulness came in handy; I looked all over the ferry for some vacant space, pulled some unused cartons near the garbage can, and tore them apart and voila, I had some makeshift mattress for the entire ride. Food for dinner and breakfast was difficult to get too since there was a single canteen to serve the hundreds of people on the ferry. Lining up for food could easily consume an hour. 😭
I honestly felt it would be the end of me and that I had to pay a high price for doing something illegal. I had a severe stomachache in the middle of the night with no one to call. I felt like my intestines were twisted all over the place; I could barely breath. I slept through the pain and when I woke up, a magical sunrise by the Celebes Sea took all the lingering pain both in my stomach and heart away.
I spent the next hours reading, making friends, exchanging stories with other passengers, and marveling at where what I'd call my life's greatest struggle has led me. I could've died in the middle of nowhere with strangers all around me, but I didn't. And every time I am reminded how I braved an 18-hour ferry ride all by myself in the scariest place in the country, I can look at myself again with confidence that I am stronger than I could ever think of and no matter what life throws at me, my past experiences had shaped me to withstand each one of them.