For some months now, I have been thinking about a lot and those thoughts have affected me till now when I feel stressed, frustrated and worried. I get worried a lot even when I know what the Holy Scripture says. I believe in the promises of God and that I do not need to be anxious about anything especially tomorrow, knowing tomorrow would sort itself out. But I still find myself thinking and worried about the question, what next?
Every time a new month comes, I feel more anxious because my service to my fatherland is getting closer to the end and after that, what next in my life? What would I do next? Where do I go from here? All these questions have preoccupied my mind that I struggle with just trusting God's promises while allowing Him to do His work and facing the reality of life that I must do something real quick if I don't want to just stay idle indoors without getting a job just to secure the spot so that I don't need to be worried about that once I am done with my service.
I overheard the discussion of two ladies recently where one of them was happy that a job had been secured for her and that once she finished her Nysc service, she would resume. I shook my head silently and said in my mind, "Lucky her". But I still find myself avoiding these negative thoughts in me but to let things flow naturally. Another thought is that since I have Hive which I could be using to keep myself busy till I find a good job, why worry myself again? I want to be grateful for this even though I feel like I need more.
These thoughts led to a mental disorientation of me yesterday and I knew I needed to take things slowly. It was a day where my mind felt so scattered, juggling too many thoughts and tasks which got me confused about my destination and the input of a wrong date. I had entered a different bank and spent some minutes trying to resolve an issue with my account only to find out I was in the wrong place.
I got to the right bank and still had to fill in the wrong date, my brain struggled to keep track of the simple details, it was like my mind had travelled a long time from me, I was too absentminded and I knew something was wrong with me.
I narrated my ordeal on my WhatsApp status and within a few minutes, I got messages in my DM from people encouraging me to take things easy, my childhood friend called immediately to ask what was wrong, I explained to her, she understood and gave me some soothing words. I felt good again.
I would be ending my service in the next 3 - 4 weeks. I have contacted two schools and one has told me to remind them once school resumes this month so they can do whatever they want to do. I am hoping it turns out well for me, and not only that, hoping for a job that pays good. Though teachers aren't paid well, I still want something good to keep me busy while still working towards other opportunities that lie waiting for me in the future.
My emotions are a combination of stress, frustration, bewilderment, absentmindedness and sadness that has filled my mind knowing what is ahead of me, especially with responsibilities around me and I am trying to keep to myself not to get worried to the extent that I would hurt myself in the process.
I want to be good to myself by not allowing negative thoughts in my mind to make me feel I am not doing my best. I strongly believe in God because I read the scripture daily just to keep me strong and patient instead of letting things control me when I could have been calm to see how things unfold with the help of God.
I know things will be well and I will surely be fine. I still need to be grateful that I have something helping me to sort out my bills and attend to my responsibilities. What if Hive is not here, how do I cope then? I'm grateful always for this opportunity.
First image:Monstera Production || Second image:KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA
