As a natural overthinker who could sometimes think the unimaginable. Oh, you would dare to want to go into my head and see how deep I go swimming with thoughts.
But that’s not the case, I wouldn’t mind clean thoughts.. or if dirty, kept up there for a good reason.
No, not exaggerating on that.
However, the worst feeling that could get to my head is a false phrase. I have no name for it so just typed down the first words that came to mind. Just yesterday, I learned something new about myself.
I mean, I’ve never taken time out to process my love language, and even on the last date night I attended, while asked that question I claimed to have none. Well, that’s what I thought until yesterday played through.
I deserve to tell myself the truth as am so good at being strict with others. And this bitter truth to myself note is that I broke my heart myself and that led to a total breakdown.
Don’t ask me how, because I won’t say anything other than what am stating now. I was broken to the extent of intentionally missing my writing streak thereby making it the third missed day for the year and do you know what to top it all, I left my biz for today too.
Yesterday was when I accepted the fact that I might need to go through human therapy because taking sleeping pills is so not for me, yet I choose to be knocked out rather than stay awake and allow my emotions to get the best of me.
Still the same yesterday, there I was telling myself things I wanted to hear because at a point, I was losing it, and that was where my love language steeped in.
“I’m beautiful
“I’m Enough
“I’m Worthy
“ I too, am a priority
“And most of all, I deserve peace”.
Repeatedly, it played in my head until I answered Mother Nature's call to slumber.
I woke up this morning feeling more renewed until I remembered yesterday but hell no, instead of allowing my head to take the lead, I replayed my words. For a person who had once lost her self-esteem before, am sure never going back to that shell again.
And hey.. it was so until a few minutes ago.. another bubershell happened 🙂💔
I took a minute to rethink again, still refusing to go back into my thoughts of yesterday. As much as I tried, I couldn't help it and few of the questions I asked myself were.
“I'm I such a terrible person “?
“Why does no one believe me when I tell them what I feel?
Alright, it's enough. Surely you wouldn't even understand this especially when am hiding more than am sharing.
But it hurts, so much hurts and it's so intense when it comes from the people you solely love. What is worst is the part where they tend to make you feel lesser, feel rebellious then you are forced to accept that truly there's a spirit controlling you, and just right there you would wish that you were certainly the type of demon they described you to be💔
If there ever be one desire I would wish for, is to still be living but never to feel anything again being lump would be much better than being surprisingly shocked by the appearance of the prostrate those you could take on a bullet for draw of you. But in the end, it would all be fine, if not today, tomorrow, and if not tomorrow then we wait on the coming tomorrow and every break of a new day, surely that one day would come and all this would just be like yesterday as if it never happened.