On the 7th day, I rested. Char, I'm kidding. I've been sick since Wednesday so I'm just pushing through since I am not the type of person who goes back on her word.
Thanks to my jowa/editor 
Things I've given to Shae. It shows how I convey my feelings to another person by giving them things I've made with them in mind.
I originally wanted Part 7 to be my last farewell to Shae but as I kept on remembering, writing, then letting go of my high emotions, I was able to grasp thoughts and feelings that I was unaware of until this last part. I have so many questions for myself and I feel that if I write this down in essay form, things would get mixed up so let's do this FAQ style.
What really happened with Shae?
Shae decided to "let go" of me. For now, we're not friends. It seemed like it was a better decision for her to let me go because she saw the pain I was in. I guess that was the last kind thing she did for me but did it work? Not really.
I wanted to cut her off too so I could start letting go of my feelings for her. But now, I question what really pains me. Sometimes, I suddenly panic and feel restless. It feels like time has passed but in reality, the wound's still fresh. I get the anxious feeling that I lost something important and that it comes back out of nowhere. Right now Shae and I decided it's better for us not to talk. I don't know if we'll be friends in the future.
What did I really like about her?
As mentioned in Part 1, Shae's exterior was likable since she's the type of person to fit into people's mold. She changes so she does not burden others. So far, the only person I knew who disliked her, in the beginning, was me. It was just frustrating seeing someone so guarded and fake(?).
If you're happy, be happy. If you're sad, be sad. If you're angry, be angry. Say and do what you want. She wasn't like that but I was. Maybe at some point, I saw myself in her. I used to bottle up everything and kept smiling. I wasn't my own person. I tried to please everyone too but where did that get me? 2 years of antidepressants.
I guess I just wanted to slap some sense into her. I wanted to be in her life, to support her, to hug her when she needed it, to listen to her, and to hold her hand when she feels lonely. In short, I felt a sense of need to and have to because when I saw her smile for the first time, it broke my heart.
What got me in this mess?
I don't want to blame anyone but upon reflecting on everything that happened so far, I brought myself to my own demise. I made her leave me.
I pressured her into choosing between things that didn't have to be compared to. I now understand that what she wanted wasn't serious. She didn't want to think about complicated things. I, on the other hand, forced her to think of an answer.
We could've stayed friends with her but I pushed her away. My actions led me to be cut off instead. I shouldn't have allowed my reactions and feelings to control me. I should have really listened to the few words she was saying.
Can we still be friends?
I don't know. I'm not sure if my actions also caused her pain. I'll never know now. I realized just now that what pains me the most is not because I got friendzoned or shallowzoned. It's because I feel like I've lost her forever.
Maybe she wanted me to stay but she was pressured that I forced her to decide. But then again, I asked her if it was better for me to go away. As my mind can recall, she nodded yes. So right now, I don't know where I am at. I wish she could tell me that it's okay. It wasn't anyone's fault 'cause, at this point, I just keep on blaming myself.
What do I want to do for now?
I just want to finish this. To keep my end of the bargain even though I know she wouldn't see this. For now, I want to keep on distracting myself, read books, re-learn some skills, continue going to the gym, and basically take care of myself.
I am slowly changing my mindset toward Shae. I initially wanted to forget her but I can't do that 'cause I know that if I did, I will be really cutting her off from my life and I don't want that. What I'll do is change how I perceive her.
When I used to think of her, it just registered as pain and sadness. But not anymore. I'll embrace it. Let it linger. Get used to it and hopefully, rewrite it as Shae the girl who let me dream again. I will let go of my romantic feelings for her but the care will stay as is.
What have I learned from everything so far?
I've learned that throughout the years I've become a person who reacted first to my heightened emotions. I don't do this at work but it seems that this is a daily negative habit I have and I need to change that.
I need to learn how to listen first before opening my mouth. I know I would say that "ganito talaga ako eh" (this is me being me), but I want to adjust just like how Shae does. I understand that we do this for people we care about. But don't worry, I won't go around changing every aspect of me to please people again.
I'll have to look into things more closely and use my logic and feelings, before deciding on what to do. I also think I should start putting a bit of armor on, too.
The sunrise and sunset look alike but just different times and perspectives. I will choose how I view things from now on. Let the sun rise up then sink back down before I make any important decisions. When everything is calm, you'll see me again.
Parts 1 and 7 Background photo from Konevi.
Parts 2 and 6 Background photo from Atahan Demir.
Parts 3 and 5 Background photo from Bruno Scramgnon.
Part 4 Background photo from Bruno Scramgnon.
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