酸菜鱼和肉圆汤
Grandmother's Homegrown Vegetables
五颜六色的泡大珠
Colorful Giant Bubbles
人年纪越大，越会缺乏改变自己的勇气，但中国有句古话叫“树挪死，人挪活”，在改变这条路上，我一直都是“坚定”的执行者。起初我也不太了解自己的这些迷惑行为，有时候也会责怪自己，就不能老老实实的待着吗？特别是对于自己早期不能坚持深耕一个工作这件事情，总是会耿耿于怀。后来在某段跌入谷底的日子里，开始研究玄学，但不得不说很玄妙，我明白了也许这个世界上真的有“天命”，而我一直都在被感觉牵着走，被命运牵着走。但也感谢命运不曾抛弃我，还给我安排了巨大的馈赠，当我明白了“一体两面”的时候。
我花了许多时间寻找自己，直到现在也不一定就已经找到了，但是我应该是越来越了解自己了。每每我也会被心理学的视频吸引，仿佛在里面看到自己，有时候也会看到别人，理解让我们变得更加通透，也逐渐走出雾霾，仿佛被太阳笼罩，周身都感觉到光明。接纳自己那些荒诞的行为，也为之买单，明白过去的事情就让它过去，一切都是最好的安排，因为发生过，所以明白有些路再也不会走，有些坑再也不会主动掉进去。当我从尘土中狼狈地爬起来时，轻轻拍了拍身上的灰尘，那些抖落的微小颗粒在空中飞舞，像重新燃起的生活希望。
那些我没过去的关，上天不停地安排同样的场景来考验我，我从一个打算弃考的“考生”，到已经看穿老天爷的“阴谋”，也许是我终于“长大”了，虽然依然不能够以不变应万变，不能够稳如泰山，但是假以时日，我相信我也能够应对自如。有时候旧瓶装新酒，有时候新瓶装旧酒，我选择找一个安静的地方，慢慢品尝，这是岁月的赠与，也是命运的安排。在这漫长的等待里，我也不知道等待的终点是什么，我唯一能够做的就是耐心等待。在揭晓谜底之前，我也经历了冰雪消融、容颜衰老，但我学会了欣赏，学会了快乐。
这两天我又开始改变，改变自己的作息习惯，希望能够从一个夜猫子，调整成一只早起的“鸟”，临渊羡鱼，不如退而结网。是的，我羡慕别人可以一早就完成了许多重要的工作安排和任务，而我却总是安逸于“睡到自然醒”，可能到了中午才会起床。把白天的时间变短，晚上的时间变长，随之而来的是我越来越深的黑眼圈，以及生活越来越失去节律。希望自己能够少刷手机，多看书，让时间更有价值，生活更有品质。感谢命运的安排，感谢觉醒的自己，感谢还可以重来的人生，感谢希望和光明，感谢有你。
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As people get older, they often lose the courage to change themselves. But in China, there’s an old saying: "A tree dies if moved, but a person thrives when they move." On the path of change, I have always been a "determined" executor. At first, I didn’t quite understand my confusing behaviors, and sometimes I would blame myself, asking why I couldn’t just settle down. Especially regarding my inability to stick with one job in the early stages of my career, I used to carry a lot of regret. Later, during a time when I hit rock bottom, I started exploring metaphysics. I have to say, it’s quite mysterious. I began to understand that maybe there really is "fate" in this world, and I’ve always been led by a sense of feeling, pulled by destiny. But I also thank fate for not abandoning me, and for arranging a huge gift for me when I understood the concept of "two sides of the same coin."
I spent a lot of time searching for myself, and I still haven’t fully found myself, but I am gradually getting to know myself better. I am often drawn to psychology videos, where I feel like I see myself. Sometimes I see others too, and understanding makes us clearer, gradually helping us emerge from the fog, like being enveloped in sunlight, feeling the brightness all around. I’ve learned to accept my absurd behaviors, to take responsibility for them, and to understand that the past is the past. Everything is the best arrangement because, once it has happened, I understand that some roads will never be walked again, and some pits will no longer be fallen into. When I crawled up from the dust, disheveled, I gently patted off the dirt on my body, and the tiny particles that fell danced in the air, like the rekindling hope of life.
The challenges I haven’t passed, heaven keeps arranging the same situations to test me. I went from a "candidate" ready to quit the exam to someone who has seen through heaven’s "conspiracy." Perhaps I have finally "grown up." Though I still cannot handle every change with unchanging steadiness, and I’m not as calm as a mountain, I believe that, given time, I will eventually handle things with ease. Sometimes old wine is put into new bottles, and sometimes new wine into old bottles. I’ve chosen to find a quiet place and slowly savor it. This is the gift of time and the arrangement of destiny. In this long wait, I don’t know what the end of it is, but the only thing I can do is to wait patiently. Before the answer is revealed, I’ve experienced the melting of ice and snow, the aging of my appearance, but I’ve learned to appreciate and to find joy.
In recent days, I’ve started to change again, adjusting my daily routine. I hope to transform from a night owl into an early bird. "It’s better to retreat and weave a net than envy the fish in the depths." Yes, I envy others who can complete many important tasks and arrangements early in the morning, while I often indulge in "sleeping until I wake naturally," sometimes getting up only by noon. This shortens my daytime and lengthens my nights, which leads to deepening dark circles under my eyes, and life losing its rhythm. I hope to spend less time on my phone and read more books, making my time more valuable and my life of better quality. I am grateful for the arrangement of fate, for my own awakening, for the opportunity to restart my life, for hope and brightness, and for having you.