Before I begin, I'd like to establish the fact that I’m no marriage expert and I won’t try to sound like one. Everything in this post are all my personal opinions (which, I admit, can be wrong).
Abuse in any form should be frowned upon (in and outside the walls of marriage).
The Nigerian social media space is recently in a frenzy due to the death of a popular gospel singer. More saddening than her death was the cause of death – domestic violence. I got to hear about the news few days ago, it was saddening. After hearing about the tragedy, I went on social media to learn more about the circumstances of her death and I got to learn that she had actually been suffering from domestic violence for quite a while but decided to endure it against the advice of those close to her.
Of course, it didn’t take long before opinions started pouring in. I scrolled through series of comments of people who had quite a lot of things to say about her untimely death. Some people blamed her for not walking out of the marriage, some didn’t, I even came across a comment which praised her for sticking to her marriage despite the abuse. But while going through the comments, one thing I couldn’t stop thinking about was how our society is one of the reasons to blame for the death of the poor woman. How?
Last week I wrote a post about the damages societal pressures can cause. This is one of such problems. “When will you buy your car? Build a house? Marry a spouse? Give birth to a child? Etc.” These are some of the several questions people get asked every day, and the people who don’t have these things are constantly victimized by some of these people who have suddenly turned to marriage counselors.
“She should have left the first time he hit her”, “She should have seen the red flags when they were dating”, “She should have this, she should have that”. It’s the logical thing for her to have left, but she didn’t, did anybody even think “why?”. Don’t get me wrong, I personally do not see any reason why anyone should endure any form of abuse (emotional or physical), but that is my opinion based on the values I was brought up with and the ideals I hold dear, she’s a different human with a different personality and values. For that reason, I think I do not have the right to criticize her for choosing to stay in her marriage. And frankly, no one does.
I know many might disagree with this, but the bitter truth is that, we as a society, are complacent when it comes to matters like domestic violence. The ideal version of a “proper woman” is a docile and enduring woman who worships her husband. I personally feel bringing up little girls with this form of ideology is problematic and it is no doubt one of the reasons why some women will still choose to stay in their marriages despite abuse.
I feel religion isn’t helping matters too. The fact that a woman or man can be victimized for choosing to leave a marriage that isn’t working is not good enough. I’ve seen people stay in unhappy marriages all because of the fear of what their religious or/and social circle will say. Religious institutions need to do a better job and we as a society need to do a better job at preventing such from reoccurring.
But I wouldn’t really blame religion (even though I still think it is part of the problem). I can’t blame religion because I believe we are all independent creatures capable of making decisions for ourselves.
The case of Osinachi made it to public limelight and is generating public outrage, but we all know that online outrage is as reliable as NEPA light. What can be done to prevent cases of less popular Osinachis from happening? Check yourself whether or not you’re complacent? Are you also a “marriage/womb watcher?” If yes, “How can I do better?”.
These are questions we need to ask ourselves to prevent the further spread of this pandemic. In one way or the other, we might be unconsciously adding to the level of social stigma that causes men and women to flee abusive relationships.
Most of us are not celebrities, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make our own little changes. You and I can do better.
Thanks for visiting my blog. God bless