We Said Goodbye To Pepper ..
And some time has passed .. but it still feels like yesterday. Simple things we do in our daily lives bring back memories and bring forth the tears. We miss him something terrible and the hole he left in our hearts, after his passing, is so much harder to fill than we ever expected. Somehow we must move on.. right?
How Does One Move On After Loss ..
Whether it's the loss of a pet or a human or whatever .. Loss and the feelings, emotions, and uphill daily battles are a real thing. I fully understand that now. Dwelling on the past, and allowing myself to continually relive his death, is not healthy. I try my best to not relive those final moments.. Those life altering, emotionally draining moments.. over and over. I packed them away in the corners of my mind the best I can, and I try to move on with life.
Baby Steps ..
My wife and I chose to move on in baby steps.. Maybe this came naturally, and it definitely was unspoken. Healing after loss is different for everyone. What works for me may not work for her. We both decided not to rush the healing process.
We could have collected everything in the house that reminded us of Pepper, and placed it away somewhere out of sight and out of mind. But instead we left things how they were. In our own time we would slowly kept what was most sentimental and relocated those items to the more intimate areas of our home, so we could enjoy the memories attached to them, in a more personal way.
So Along Comes Yesterday ..
Saturday arrived and I already had a list of things I wanted to accomplish.. So why am I telling you this? It's a pretty simple concept.. The weekend is here and we have free time, and so we want to accomplish things we couldn't during the long work week. Simple enough.. but Not so simple.
Not far from where Pepper's Sympathy Orchid rests, trying to make it's own recovery, is a window. An ordinary, run of the mill window. It was simply placed and allows for light and air to move in and out. But it's so much more than that to us.. This window is Pepper's Window. Our little boy spent so so so much time laying at this window, peering out into the world that existed on the other side of it.
Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter ..
Pepper was at that window looking out into the great beyond. Such a simple window.. That brought him so much joy. And this is the problem I face this weekend. My task is to replace the blinds that are breaking in our living room. My baby step healing task is to sadly wipe the nose smudges he left on that window, off and away forever. In my mind that's not such a simple task, but one I know I must face and complete.
Someone who has never had such a loss in their lives may not see the challenge in this.. they may not understand the emotional aspect in such a simple task. Maybe I am over dramatizing this.. "Just clean the window and move on with it", one may say. But I have to admit I was dreading this moment ever since we walked out of the store with those new blinds.
I've been looking at all of those nose smudges on the glass for some time now. It was a happy sad memory that I wasn't ready to let go of.
But I Did
It took a lot of emotional energy to do that, and I can't say I feel quite right about it today, but I know it had to be done. Healing is a strange thing, and I am no expert on the topic. I do what I think is best and pray it was the right choice.
That's all I can do.
His tiny nose smudges are gone, but the memories of his enjoyment at that window are not. Those I keep at the front of my mind and I selfishly use them to fill the hole in my heart.
Who would have thought that nose marks on glass would be so challenging to wipe away?
Baby Steps ...
Simple Baby Steps ...
“The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we'd done were less real and important than they had been hours before.”
“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
