Every year, in the days leading up to my birthday, my mind wanders through all the memories I’ve collected. I think about how fortunate I’ve been, the many lessons I’ve learned, the people I miss terribly, the countless changes I’ve been through. This will be my first birthday and Father’s Day without my Dad and I’m thinking about him...a lot.
I've experienced a pretty wide swath of this human existence in my forty-nine years and fifty-one weeks. I've made many mistakes but like to think I've learned something from them. I've been hurt, and I've also hurt others. I've felt what it's like to love deeply and be loved.
Next Friday I join the half-century club and, boy, does this birthday feel different. I actually feel healthier than I’ve ever been but have noticed a few things are changing. I look more forward to bedtime, I get dehydrated a little quicker on long bike rides during hot weather, and, as the sagging skin around my neck tells me, gravity is starting to win the battle. I'm more cognizant of time and try not to waste too much of it. Oh and last but not least, sometimes I’ll get these little tinges of pain in my joints that often leave as fast as they strike. Probably a little preview of what arthritis feels like (yikes).
“As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life —and travel — leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks — on your body or on your heart — are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt.” - Anthony Bourdain
Tony is one hundred percent correct. Each thing we experience, either good or bad, leaves a mark that we carry with us until the end.
During this past week I've also taken stock in what I’ve accomplished in the previous year and think about goals I’d like to set for the year ahead. I've made note of the areas in which I can do better. I have big plans for this next twelve months on Earth -- continuing to work on becoming a better human, publishing the sequel to Alarm Clock Dawn, and exploring more of this amazing planet.
The other thing about approaching fifty is am noticing being right (and/or correcting others when they clearly aren’t right) isn’t nearly as important to me. There’s great freedom in that. I'd like to think my B.S. detector is also getting a bit more refined as well. Although sometimes I still get fooled, I’m learning to spot the red flags much better and walk away from toxic people/situations before they can do any substantial harm.
Generally speaking, when we’re younger, we want to desperately to be noticed and accepted. At nearly fifty years of age I find, more often than not, I just want to blend in and savor each moment deeply and quietly, letting things unfold at a more natural pace.
In these days leading up to this big birthday, I find myself thinking about the kind of older person I want to be. I want to keep learning, stay engaged and active, have a purpose and contribute all I can to the world and those around me. I want to continue to become a better human. I don’t want to be the crusty old fart who is bitter at the world, does nothing but complain, and chases children off of his ridiculously perfect lawn.
“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.” - Sophia Loren
Most of all I want just want to keep evolving and creating. To quote Frank Lloyd Wright, The longer I live, the more beautiful life becomes. I really feel this way.
I've realized that happiness, in large part, comes from accepting gracefully the things you cannot change. We have to learn the fine art of letting go. We all reach a point where we find we are saying as many good byes as we do hellos to both people and things in our lives. I can feel the spirit of many of those I’ve said goodbye to cloistered around me during quiet hours.
As I travel through middle age I realize that even if I had a thousand years it would still simply never be long enough. Time, it’s growing to be ever more of the essence. I’m so many ways these are the best years of our lives. My plan is to make the most of them and to embrace silver as gracefully as I possibly can.
All for now.
With Gratitude,
Eric Vance Walton
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