It was my last hike. I'd hoped the weather would be nice however sometimes one's expectations or hopes in life are not met; Life has a way of doing whatever it chooses at times so I had a choice of my own to make - Accept the day for what it was and make the most of it, or give in to the less than perfect weather and stay home. I chose the former, it was my last hike after all and I wasn't about to let some clouds and cold weather take it away from me - I'm not much of a quitter and more of a make it happen sort of guy.
I headed across the road to the recreation park and the twenty five kilometres of bushland tracks that awaited me; I wouldn't hike them all today but I looked forward to four hours of hiking - The crunch of rocks, leaves and twigs beneath my feet, the call of birds as they dart from tree to tree and the breeze whistling through the treetops, cool but refreshing. It was a good day after all, I was alive and I was hiking. I'll take it and be grateful, I thought and I placed one foot in front of the other and propelled forward.
Time stops
An hour later, half way up the steepest section, a long climb to the 170-year-old homestead ruins, my hike was brought to a halt buy a mountain biker who stopped me on the track. He told me someone had died ahead at the top of the trail. I thought back to the ranger who passed me a ways back leading an unmarked silver van behind his own four wheel drive. The coroner; It made sense straight away. The trail ahead was, understandably, blocked off and I'd need to find a different path to carry me forward.
I stayed and chatted with the mountain biker, a South African fellow from Durban of about 5 years my junior, and an hour later was still there with him talking about all sorts of things; It was quite enjoyable as he was intelligent, interesting and quite worldly having moved from South Africa to London and now Australia, which he loved passionately. He was a good sort, a family man and quite easy to talk about life with.
I had to keep moving though, this was my last hike after all, and so we shook hands and parted ways saying that we'll be glad to run into each other again up there, and on I hiked.
As I progressed I thought about the death, a man of about sixty years old apparently, and something the bike-guy had said. He'd made the point that the man had expired doing something he enjoyed, hiking in nature. It was an assumption of course because we would never know if he enjoyed it or just did it for health reasons but it sounded right. His wife was with him up there which is tragic for her of course, but it seemed a good way to check out: Nature, loved one beside me, birds singing, fresh air. It could be far worse, I've seen it be far worse, and putting aside the obvious distress at facing one's final moments I'd say it's a reasonable way to leave the world when time finally stops.
Seeing death
My mother died in a hospital bed, a palliative care unit, in terrible pain; She was unrecognisable to me, emaciated, eaten away and destroyed by breast cancer that went to secondary bone cancer. She couldn't talk, could barely breathe or move and...Her eyes. They seemed haunted, afraid. She clearly didn't want to go.
She was fifty nine years old - Only eight years older than I am now. She fought though, tough lady that she was, a fight that lasted several years culminating in that day at the hospital when I stood over her knowing her time was coming. It is something I'll not forget; The way she looked, the pain and fear in her eyes and the way I felt.
I lost my father almost a year ago, once again in a bed. He was in a nursing home with dementia, cancer, renal failure and other associated issues including an open wound on the top of his foot, his whole foot really. One could see the tendons through the wound. I have an image from the doctor but of course it's not appropriate here; It's horrific. He stopped eating on a Friday and was gone the following Wednesday. I authorised the doctor to increase his pain medication which I knew would accelerate his demise but also take care of the pain he was in. It did both.
I've seen death elsewhere, up close, however those two cases have a different meaning of course. Having said that though in every case one thing is common; Death has been very final for the person experiencing it. There's no coming back; When it goes dark it's dark forever, or such is my understanding of it; Sure other people may feel differently, but I don't know anyone that died and came back so can't ask them.
I don't fear death
It's true, I do not fear death; This doesn't mean I welcome or invite it although I've done some very stupid things in life that courted death. I'd rather it doesn't come knocking for a while yet but if it did I'd not know much about it, I'd be dead. I don't dwell on the prospect of my death, or death in general although am quite pragmatic about it, after all, everyone will die: Me, you and everyone we know, love and care about. Everyone.
What takes my focus is life. Living well, being the best version of myself and filling my life with experiences, love, emotions and feelings not things because things don't matter.
The good life
As I walked that day I thought about that fellow who had passed away atop that hill with his wife in attendance. I wondered if, at the end, he thought well of his life and that he had made the most of the time he had on the planet and lived a good life. I'll never know but can ponder the question in respect of my own life - And it's best to do so whilst alive.
I've never really been one to subscribe to the live now as you may be dead tomorrow ethos, I'm more about balance. I think of it as living now, with a forward-focus. It's not an equal balance of course, it ebbs and flows depending on circumstances, but in general my life revolves around seeking a few key things, those things I mentioned above: Living well, being the best version of myself and filling my life with experiences, emotions and feelings instead of material things. Let's add meaningful relationships also as that's important. There's a whole gamut of other things within that list of course, but that's them boiled right down to the basics.
I'm not sure what I'll be thinking when I expire but it may be something like, I'm not ready to go. But will it?
What if I'm in pain and just want it to end? What if I have no life partner or people in my life and am of an advanced age? I have no dependants so maybe I'll welcome it. It's probably very difficult to come up with a definitive answer to what I might think at that time but I'm very clear about life and that's what counts whilst we still have it I think.
As I get older I think more about wringing the most I can out of life; I guess maybe a byproduct of the loss of time, the understanding that there's more of it behind me than in front. I don't lament that lost time though, just value whatever time I have remaining; An unknown period of course but a period in which I'm good-life focused!
Sometimes I wish someone had beaten me around the head as a twenty year old and made me understand that life simply doesn't last forever but I guess we all have no choice but to learn through experience and time; Inefficient as it may be. It's like that quote by playwright George Bernard Shaw, "youth is wasted on the young." As a fifty one year old I think I'm qualified to say, legit bro, I feel you.
My last hike
As I hiked around that day I had time to think about my life, the history, the present and the future and whilst the future is indistinct and somewhat shrouded in mystery, I came to the conclusion that the past and present was, and is, well-lived; A good life.
Have I been the best version of myself possible? Hmm, a tough question - I'll say no not always though as I've done some bad things in my life. Do I hold regrets? Some, yeah for sure.
Have I generally lived a good life and been a good man though? I'm going to answer yes I have. I wish things went differently in some cases, even now in my present, but overall I can't be too disappointed with my life so far; That's what I thought as I hiked, along with the operation I was having a couple days later, the reason it was my last hike for a while.
The future is largely an unknown for most of us and for me that makes it more important to have a life-focus on those things I mentioned above a couple times - It's that focus that will one day allow me to leave my life behind forever and accept my inevitable death.
I really hope that chap on the hill felt the same, that he lead a good life and was content to expire with his wife along side him surrounded by nature and in relative peace. No one will ever know of course but every single one of us knows we will die at some stage and in my humble opinion that brings a great opportunity; The opportunity to live well I mean, to live the good life.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
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Image is mine.