I woke up this morning not feeling it, going to work, the daily grind or anything much at all, I guess. I laid in bed listening to the sound of my silent house and wished I was in the wilderness listening to the sounds of nature waking to a brand new day...Birds singing, breeze in the treetops and the touch of the days early rays on my face. You know, those days on which you rise early, brew some coffee on the fire then grab some gear and simply hike all day. If you've not done it do yourself the favour.
But...Reality check - It's Thursday morning and work beckons. Can I retire and go hiking now sprang to mind. Nope, access denied.
C'est la vie
I shuffled about the house for a while then started the coffee, grabbed a shower, found something to wear, sat and scrolled through my work-day schedule whilst sipping strong black coffee ticking off all the stuff my day would entail:
That sucks, so does that, and this one too, yep there's another sucky thing, and another one too...It all sucked major ass!
I'm responsible though so after cleaning up my coffee stuff dutifully got into my car for a totally-sucky drive to the sucky-office. What is it with this bloody traffic, I thought the whole way. It sucks.
I'm feeling a little trapped at the moment; I'm here when I want to be there sort of trapped. Maybe that happens when something is taken away, something of value that offered a future of wide-open spaces and comfortable moments, physically and emotionally. Trapped is not a nice feeling for me and whilst I've dealt with loss before it never gets easier, and neither do I desensitise to it - Maybe I harden up a little more each time though I suppose.
C'est la vie could be an appropriate term but, fncking hell, it just doesn't seem to cover it well enough for me; Resignation and acceptance of an unpalatable situation? Hmm, seems a lot like accepting being trapped.
I thought through all of this as I inched forward in my car with all the other slaves on their daily commute...Forward to a sucky day at my sucky office trapped inside sucky walls, no fresh air and surrounded by sucky toxicity. Welcome to sucky Thursday G-dog.
An hour later the words, fnck it I'm done with this sprang to mind and I picked up my laptop and got back in my car; I couldn't stay a moment longer. I knew I should be working but being in that state of mind made me ineffective so coffee and food seemed a better use of my time. I'm fortunate to have earned the right to autonomy in my work-life and so I took advantage and exited the office. Scrambled eggs on home made rye toast and a flat white coffee were deployed and I felt a little better. 👆
Loss
We lose our lives every day meaning time passes and never comes back around so I've always tried to live life the best I can - I know how easily it can vanish and there's no second chance unless you believe in reincarnation but coming back as a chicken doesn't seem like a good second chance I think. So I chase life, embrace opportunity...I guess that's why it's so destructive when opportunity is taken away.
I usually balance work and my real life very well, holistically I guess, using my work/job scenario to support my true-life, but as I've gotten older I find the work to provide for life ethos more acceptable and so I lean that way, away from working.
It's a conundrum really as I'm quite driven and conscientious when it comes to my responsibilities but I'm finding I care less about work, less about material things and more about life itself, my version of it. I guess that's a by-product of loss too, the fear of loss or how one feels when a potential reality, or future, is removed. It makes what we might have, or desire more important...Like time; The less of it we have, the more important it becomes - For me anyway.
I turned fifty one years old this year, I know, I'm a veritable dinosaur right? Anyway, I was on a fast-track to retirement from the need to work by the age of fifty five until a rogue-business-partner cost me almost everything I had built over my entire life; The cash-loss number was seven figures, but it went much deeper than that. I managed to retain my house and part of my sanity and not much of the latter at all if I'm honest. That was seven years ago and I've spent those seven years rebuilding. Still work in progress.
Adversity gives rise to great conviction within me though and like the phoenix from the ashes I rose...To work, probably until the day I die. Fncking great! [Not great, this is sarcasm]
Unscrambling loss
A usually driven, confident and mostly together individual is sitting here right now, on my third coffee for the day, feeling a little scrambled. My overactive, over-thinking mind conspires both against and for me in equal measure I guess...One part says, sort yourself out you big knucklehead, and another side says, run away bro, get out, find some peace - It's ok to do that, you deserve it.
I've recently lost something of great value and am having difficulty coming to terms with it but I have to; The same as I did when I lost a lifetime-worth of effort to my business partner, or lost other things or people in life - The alternative is falling in a heap and I'm not that fall-in-a-heap guy mostly. There's that rise like the phoenix thing again - But how many times do I have to do this I wonder!
Of course the answer is, I need to rise just one more time than I am knocked down. That's the thing with adversity...It hits and we have a decision to make, fall in a pile or rise and keep moving.
It's difficult sometimes but I've done it in the past and these days, well...I'm going to die eventually so there's a need to live whilst I can I suppose. I still feel the pain of loss though and added to my trappedyness [this is a word now] it's bringing me some anxiety reason to think more creatively and more deeply where myself is concerned.
I'm a long way from retirement to be honest, but I'm focused on getting out of the rat-race and to find a lot more life. A lot more simplicity on life. Just on the word retirement...I don't mean retiring from life. I know people say they keep working to keep busy and all but I am not that way inclined. I have so much to do that I could never get to everything so I mean, retiring from having to work so I can engage in my life more effectively. It is a focus but days like today leave me with that feeling of trappedyness.
I have to work to keep things moving forward...But I'm looking for that exit-point, actively work towards it and yet am still trying to furnish my life with the things I need now, experiences and value and a little self-care. Life is too short to leave it to chance.
The spark of an idea
They say the highest of flames becomes an ember, but in reverse, an ember can become a raging fire right? - Somewhere in the middle seems legit.
I went away a few weeks ago, a short break for some camping. It was both relaxing and stressful for various reasons but it was time I needed to un-fnck unscramble myself a little. I was thinking about it just now, wondering if I need to escape for a time, a longer time. I guess I mean escape from the need to think, to work, not necessarily my location.
I have several weeks of accrued leave and have contemplated taking a month off work to disappear; There's little holding me here now and I wonder at the sense of tying myself to work when my own wellbeing is suffering because of it...Maybe it's best I hit the road, physically and emotionally, take myself away and connect without the pressure of work on my shoulders.
It's difficult for a responsible guy like me to think this way but I'm thinking that maybe it's for the best. Regroup, recharge and redeploy more effectively. Who knows? Maybe I'd come back with some new ideas and directions to take?
In my mind it looks like several days-long trips into the wilderness interspersed with some time at home thinking, planning, strategizing and setting plans in motion - I think the time away from work will help to clarify my thoughts and through vacating my mind of the work-related pressures and stress maybe I can plot out a path that will move me forward to the rest of my life more effectively. I'm not decided on what I'll do yet, but time will reveal my thoughts and decisions I suppose.
Work and life pressure, health issues, [I have an operation coming up in a few weeks], the pressure weight of recent loss bearing down...All factors that culminate in how I'm feeling at any given point - Together with my past of course. I've felt them before in various ways and for various reasons but now, with more life behind me than in front due to my age, these things seem much more important to get right, to tackle head-on rather than shift to one side for later.
I've been pretty good at handling my shit mostly but right now I'm feeling a little scrambled and I get the feeling I need to escape work for a little while, gain some distance so that I can see things more clearly. Will it help? I don't know, but maybe it will. I'll take a maybe at this stage I think.
This is my first post in this community and I'm not sure if the content is relevant but I didn't know where else to drop this post, this collection of my scrambled thoughts, so I hope I don't get muted - I probably won't, but who knows right?
If you want to use my new word, trappedyness, please go ahead, I have no copyright on it.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
Discord: galenkp#9209