My journey with grief.

Today I want to write about grief. I always say: losing loved ones are the most difficult thing we go through here on earth.

I had my fair share of losing loved ones. Lately I struggle a bit with grief, therefore the reason of this post. Grieving is a long journey of ups and downs. I think most people think, you lose someone and although it takes time, someday you will wake up and the grief is gone.

Unfortunately that is not the case. My first big loss was my husband of almost 25 years. We were together for 30 years as we were high school sweethearts. He was terminal ill for a year. So I knew what was coming, and suffered greatly for it. He was hospitalized for long periods at a time and I got anxiety. I started sleeping over on our business premises, avoiding going home to a place without him.

At the time I did not realised I was already grieving. Only about 4 years ago, I realised I was grieving for my parents, although they still were here. I started to search the internet and then learn there was a name for it, anticipatory grief.

Anticipatory grief, also referred to as anticipatory loss or preparatory grief, is the distress a person may feel in the days, months or even years before the death of a loved one or other impending loss. “It’s the experience of knowing that a change is coming, and starting to experience bereavement in the face of that,” says Allison Werner-Lin, Ph.D., a licensed clinical social worker and associate professor at the University of Pennsylvania’s School of Social Policy and Practice in Philadelphia. Many of us have experienced anticipatory grief without realizing there’s a name for it, she adds.

When my husband died, a new phase of intense grieving followed, crying daily for a month. On 3 December 2021, he was gone for 14 years.
I got married 6 months later, I was just not made to be alone. It was a whirlwind romance. The bad thing about getting married so quickly, was that people, especially my first husband's family thought I was over my loss. I was not, I was still grieving for my late husband daily, my new hubby was very supportive and understanding. After 6 months of marriage and grieving openly before my new husband, I was starting to feel bad, thinking that he might think I don't love him so much, which was not the case.

On the day of the 1st anniversary of his death, my daughter and I watch the CD recorded at his funeral and cried a lot. After that I started to hide my grief, if I had to cry, I cried in the toilet. With more time it did become easier but still after 14 years, there come periods where I still experience short periods of intense grief.

Nothing prepares us for the devastating loss of a loved one – whether it was clear that their time was coming to an end or it was a complete shock. The grief that comes with the death of a friend or family member is overwhelming. And it doesn’t go away quickly. Months, even years following, we’re left begging, “Will my grief ever go away? Will I ever get over this loss? When will I move on?”

According to Kriss Kevorkian, PhD, MSW, No, it does'nt go away. The long answer is, with time it gets more bearable, and you learn to cope with it better. That's my experience too, although I moved on, the grieving don't stop, and I now accept it never will. As long as you have a memory and you remember that person, so long will you be grieving.

My mom died November 2020. We were looking after her. She died peacefully at home in her own bed. My dad on her side as he always was. In the last days, we were around her bed a lot. I took a short break that specific afternoon and next thing my father came and tell me it's all over, she breathed her last breath. They were married for 58 years.

I took the picture a few hours before she died.

She had a good life, above picture on her 80th birthday in 2019.

The three of us grieved together for my sister who died in 2015, at the young age of 48 years.
My parents came to live with us after she died. I do not know the grief of a parent. I know it's very bad, a total unnatural event for a parent to outlived their children. All I know I had to cope with seeing their grief and with mine.
Everytime I see pictures of sisters on Facebook, I think how lucky they are to still have each other.

Initially when my mom died, I did not experience a deep grief. I was sad, but it was almost a relief. Her suffering was over, we knew she is safe in heaven, no more tears, no more suffering. But as time goes on, more than a year now, I miss her more and more. Also, again my Dad's grief is hard for me to see. My mom loved photos, printed one's, she made albums of each of her children, with our children and then she started albums for each grandchild with their children, her great grand children. Nowadays, it's my Dad paging through the albums. Sometimes tears rolling down his face. On Christmas Eve when we were singing Christmas Carols, he burst into tears. My mom also loved singing, she sang in choirs almost her whole life. I also had to leave the room to hide my tears. I did not want to make the rest of the family sad on such a happy occasion.

When I was in the anticipatory grief for my parents, I was grieving the lost of how they were. My mom would never be able to cook a meal for us. She cannot walk on the beach anymore, picking up shells. She grew very negative, not enjoying life anymore. Her other hobby besides singing was reading. About a year before she died she stops reading. I start to read her short stories.

Now I just grieve for her, I would have give anything just to see her, hear her voice, feel her hugging me, give me a kiss. I just miss her...

At least I learned something. My Dad has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. I stop grieving for what was. I almost lost him due to Covid, he was 7 weeks in hospital. Now I just focus on the present. He is still here with me. He loves to eat, so I enjoy our meals together. I enjoy it when he goes to the beach with us. I can kiss him good night. I am patient when he is sure he lost his bank card or accusing the maid of stealing his purse. He does need help with his banking and his cellphone. It's okay, he is still here.