There's a lot of things that I want to do but because I am afraid to step out of my comfort zone I remain stuck and never achieved anything. I admire those people who can do what they want without hesitation and being confident to thier ability. I admire them because I want to be like them but I don't know how.
I started to meet these people when I started attending worship service with my boyfriend that time and my husband now. I still remember the first time that I go to church and he introduced me to his churchmates. They all welcomed me cheerfully and I smiled a bit in return because I am not a jolly type of person. Like what I've said on my previous articles here I am always in frown face and I having a hard time to smile on people. I observed the people in the church , I looked at them while worshipping and raising thier hands while singing a worship song. I heard them praying with a loud voice and I said to myself why they are like that? They clappee thier hands like they never feel the pain in their palm. I want to follow them but I am too shy to do it thats why I remain standing a closing my eyes and feel the worship song.
The worship finished and it's time to share the word of God. I am comfortable with this part because this is what I want. Just sitting down while listening to the preaching of the Pastor. I looked at the people again , some of them holding thier Bible , and book and an application in thier cellphone and write what the Pastor was preaching. Again , I asked myself. Are they so dedicated to this worship service? I was onced a member of youth organization in a Catholic Church but it's a lot of differences if I will compare it. I also writing notes back then but it was during recollections and meeting because we are required to do so. I looked at them again and I feel so sad about myself because I am not like them.
After the worship service , there are two ladies who approach me and they asked me if I want to join the Singles night next week. I don't have any idea about that and my boyfriend explain it to me. I told them that I will try even if I already made up my mind that I will not come. After a week I texted them that I can't make it because I have something to do but honestly I am just in the house that time.
Weeks passed of attending the worship service. I am a bit comfortable. I enjoyed the worship song and finally I can now clap my hands and give praise by raising my hands without any shy feeling. My boyfriend was looking at me and he was smiling. I know he's happy for me. I smiled back to him and we continue to worship the Lord. I still remember my feeling back then, that was awesome. I feel the sweetness of the Lord to me. I feel that he was happy because I came back to Him.
As we continue to worship God , the turning point of my life was when the song Beauty for Ashes was sang by the music ministry infront. I cried a lot that time and I can't control it. I raised my hand and give thanks to the Lord.
" I'm no longer what I used to be. I am stronger because you live in me. The old is gone, the new has come. I'm alive"
That's the song lyrics that made me cry and it feels like God is welcome me with open arms. It feels like I am new and I found my way back home. By that moment I knew God gave me a chance to correct all my mistakes that I have done in past. Yes , the damages has been done but with the help of the Lord I can be better and take the right path starting that day. I am so thankful to my boyfriend that time because he's the one who invited me to a worship service and because of him I embrace how to be a Christian again.
My faith on the Lord didn't fade but because I am no longer active in the church when I was in Manila and because I am more expose to worldly perspective to the point that I no longer follow how to be a good Christian. I didn't go to Church and even prayed at night , I lost respect to myself as a woman and doing worldly things that makes myself thinking that I am not worthy as the daughter of God so that I just stand on where I am that time but God is good and He didn't want me to be lost forever.
I promise myself to be better and start a new life with the Lord. I changed my lifestyle , my fashion , how I talk and people around me noticed it. I quit drinking alcoholic beverages , I didn't wear an indecent outfit like I used to wear before and I changed the words that coming from my mouth. I even follow the simple rules like walking on the pedestrian lane because my boyfriend told me that if I can't follow the simple rules , how can I follow the Lord.
He also told me that don't rush the changes because God will do that. Always pray on Him that He will change your heart and you will be amazed on the progress, you will not noticed the changes but people around you will notice it and it was happened.
People around me said different feedback in regards with my changes. Most of my friends tease me and ask me to go on the bar because I told them I already quit drinking. Some of my officemate are happy for me especially my Born Again Christian officemate. I know , people will judge me and I experienced it when I starting to share Bible verse to them. They laughed at me and said I'm a changed person.