Last group photo with him
Hello, This is J I haven't been so emotional writing blogs here until this one. I'm writing this blog to remember the essence of my lolo (grandpa) and to look back on every tiny detail when I no longer can't remember because even the memory is temporary. This is where I will put the memories that I gained my consciousness when I was still a child. This blog is so close to my heart; it talks about broken family affairs, death, poverty, and childhood traumas.
Photo from my aunt
Meet my family, the extended one. This photo was taken when my grandpa was still alive.
My Lolo is one of the best individuals I have known in this world. And I'm proud that my grandpa was a farmer. Hence, the world is cruel to him. Education was deprived of him. He can't read words, and I can't remember if he can write as well. Hence, he was raised as a hardworking person.
Birthday photo of him
Back when I was still a young one, my family was complicated. My father, I guess, wasn't that ready for responsibilities; he was still young when my mother and I got married. I would see them fight, and since my father couldn't handle his anger, I would see him use his strength. It was terrifying because I was still a child and saw those scenarios. The news that he has another woman is something I can't prove because it's only a rumor. What I'm sure of is that he still can't leave his vices and do the things he usually does when he is still unmarried. Times that led my mother to go to her family's place, and my grandfather would also look for me. My father couldn't make amends at that time, so it was my grandfather who would go there and get us because I knew deep down he didn't want us to have a confusing life. He was a good man.
When my father and mother's issues are already settled, This is where I appreciate my grandfather more. Wondering where my grandmother is. Well, we're civil; she's the opposite of my grandfather. My grandfather was a farmer. He plants palms, bearing fruit trees, and corn, and when there's a farmer, there's a carabao, also known as a farmer's best friend. When he earned money by selling mangoes and others, One of his things to do is buy soft drinks; he likes soft drinks. I guess that's his way of celebrating his good work in the fields.
He was so happy to receive his birthday cake
My grandfather doesn't own a wallet; he will place his money on plastic. So back when he sold his crops. Our home, our ancestor's home, is just a few steps away. My grandfather has a huge smile as he goes to our home and looks for us, saying "Misel palit adtog mainom." (Jessiel buys some drink) I already know that he wants to drink soft drinks. Misel is what he will call me. Well, my nickname is Esel in our home, and he would have this unique calling-us type of name. My grandfather wasn't rich, yet he was so generous to us. Even when he has only a couple of coins in his plastic purse, we would still give him money, even if it's only one peso. We were already happy with it. If he has food, he will share it with us. If he sees us outside playing and he's in the traditional outside chair, he will still call for us and give us what he's eating. My grandfather is also a fan of hot morning drinks, also called pamainit. Every morning, we will see him doing it.
And in the following years, Misfortune happens; we have ear damage; he can't hear us. My family is tired of taking him to the doctor, but it's still the same until we decide to accept reality. We tried hard to communicate with him, but we were trying our best. Even though it's hard, My grandfather has a soft personality.
When the year 2020 started, time flew by so fast. Because, if I can think of it clearly, he was still so healthy at that time. And then he lost weight and started to forget things. And he's the one who sold his carabao because he could no longer use it but when memories started to fade. He would travel back and forth, no matter how far it was, given that his health wasn't in good shape, just to look for his carabao. When we're just getting busy and we see him outside, the next glimpse is that he's no longer there. The family started to freak out because he might go as far as he wanted to look for his best friend; that's what makes his life busy. "Magpaod nako sa kabaw, mangumpay pako" (To place the carabao in a certain area, to find grass to feed) is what we usually hear from him. I once touched him, and all I could feel were his bones. I was scared and sad. Because, as much as I want to deny that it won't happen, I know it will too soon.
Time flies. He experiences loss of breath. We started to get scared. They called an ambulance, and we just saw them crying in the corner. We're not fortunate enough to provide medical life support; he was just in the house. How bitter those moments are that your grandfather is still alive, but you are slowly accepting some facts about life. Not until November 2020, early in the morning, upon waking up in our bed, we woke up with the heartbreaking news that my grandfather had already lost his life in his sleep. We have cried and mourned.
He was suffering from organ failure. My grandfather has hypertension, diabetes, and kidney failure, which is the cause of his death. I can't imagine the pain he went through when he was still living with us.
It was bitter because who wants to be left behind? Who wants to see a family member passing by? Who wants to see the lifeless body of someone they adore?
I have this thought that I won't look like a lifeless body inside the coffin. Because it's scary just to imagine it, but when you're with your loved ones, you leave behind those thoughts and face them. When he was already in the coffin, I only took a few glances. On his last night, As when the day has come to bury him. I did cry and cry, and they say that when it rains, the one who will bury is surely a farmer. My grandfather died on Sunday. They said that when someone dies on Sunday, he will go to heaven. Hence, I know how good my grandfather is.
After the bitterness, I feel better for the reason that his suffering has come to an end. He may not have told us how much pain he felt when he was still alive, but I know that it is painful. He should no longer find his carabao because, who knows, maybe they are together right now in the afterlife. I miss you so much, Lolo, and I know your children as well.
Trivia: He was the last member of their family to die.
I know we already experience losing someone we love, but we have to remember that life goes on, and deep down in our hearts is that place where they are.
That is all for my bitter better blog for today.
Adios, Hivers.