They say when you die there are people who’d be sad. To people like us, loneliness is something ingrained. We most often believe that nobody would come to find us or the world moves on. Everybody will be okay.
With many things going on in my life recently, I thought I needed more time alone. So I have been keeping myself busy. But still, people around me must have noticed that I was going through something. Most of them would ask me how I was doing.
Though small in quantity, I have a solid circle of friends. The type of friends who do not judge you. Ones who know when they’re needed and when to give you time alone. Ones who share your burdens and laughter.
The other night I wasn’t in my best mind. I was losing it. All of these different emotions that I couldn’t process just choked me. I needed someone to talk to. I reached out to this person thinking that she knew what’s been happening to me so maybe she’d be able to help me with some questions I had but boy was I wrong. When I started telling her about what I was feeling…
What I got was a seemingly uninteresting and unemphatic reply.
That night I realized that this person wasn’t really my friend. I proceeded to make more mistakes that I won’t be able to take back. No, I don’t blame this so-called friend but maybe if I had made the right choice to who I asked for help, things wouldn’t have ended up this way.
That night I had a minor overdose.
The next day— heavy, and groggy, with blurry vision, and a feeling of numbness from the medications I took. I carried on with my day but I wasn’t happy or sad. I just continued the daily tasks I’d written to form my habits. Like a mindless robot, I was surviving today.
I was afraid of myself. What would happen tonight? Can I stop myself this time?
These thoughts were getting all jumbled up. Suddenly, a friend of mine messaged me.
“San ka? Nood tayo jan wik!”
(Where you at? Let’s watch John Wick)
I told her that I didn’t have a budget for it. While waiting for her reply I began getting ready to go out. Somehow, I knew this person would just say “sagot ko na” (I gotchu).
And after a few mins, she told me to just get there because “sagot ko na”. She already bought me a ticket. Now, I needed to hurry up because I didn’t have much time. I live quite far from the cinema where she’s at.
I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. So did my friend and her partner. I haven’t seen any previous series of John Wick but the movie was something you could just pick up even if you haven’t watched the first 3 movies. Not much dialogue. Just action and revenge. My type of action movie.
After that, my friend’s partner wanted to eat some beef pares along Taft. While we were traveling we suddenly thought of wanting to sing so we opted to go to a ktv instead.
I said I won’t be able to drink any alcohol because of the meds in my system. But you know… I just said that. In the end, I got drunk. I’m not a very good singer but with the company I had I wholeheartedly enjoyed that evening. Singing my heart out because I knew my friend won't judge my ugly singing.
I got blind drunk. I puked on the gutters. My friend had to take me to her place. I stayed over 2 nights. And, when it was time to go home they took me to my bus terminal which was 1 hr away from their home. They had night shift jobs too. But they still insisted on taking me.
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Before I rode the bus I gave them each a hug and thanked them several times. My friend then reached her hand out and gave me this 500 pesos bill. “Pamasahe mo.”(for your fares)
I got on the bus. Sat near the end. I looked at the bill she gave me and I started weeping.
I felt so frustrated. Maybe I was just used to giving not receiving.
I guess I have to learn to accept help when it is given to me.
But more than frustration—
I felt saved.
Choose your friends well. They can either put you down six feet under or save your life. I am grateful that even though I only have a few friends left. At least, they’re real.
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