I cried today and feel like crying still but, at the same time, I can't shake the feeling of happiness and joy; a strange feeling to have, one bringing the other in a cycle. It's been a strange day, sad and emotional but it ended with that happiness I spoke of through an embrace and connection from the cause of that happiness, my man.
I met with a friend who has just broken up with her partner; It's been a difficult time for her as the relationship was abusive and became quite dangerous towards the end. Looking in at it, one would never have thought it; he was seemingly a good man and she never gave any indication of what was happening; I feel ashamed that I didn't see the signs and couldn't help her through it.
She extricated herself a short time ago and is much better for it although it's brought her some new feelings and that's what we spoke about today and it's not going well for her although she's fighting for her life and has a small friends group around her to help.
I took this image
She wasn't very good at explaining it today, the feelings, although in short she feels like she is lost, that she has lost herself, forgotten who she is, or at least hidden herself so deep within that she cannot feel or find it. The relationship was all-encompassing and she spent so much time trying to avoid the mental, emotional and physical abuse that she eventually retreated within herself and outwardly became whatever it was her partner wanted at any given point. It breaks my heart.
We spoke for a few hours, I don't want to go into it here, and cried, hugged and laughed at times which gave me glimpses of the person I know is inside her still but it was a heart-wrenching time and I came away so utterly drained.
My partner has been away all week and I've missed him so much and today I needed him more than ever; I needed to feel connected to him and to, quite selfishly, feel the way he makes me feel when he holds me close; safe, valued, cherished, desired, honored, respected. When that moment came, I allowed the feeling to take over, I fell into it as I fell into his arms, and I slowly felt my energy return; he has a way of doing that.
I feel so terrible for my friend and yet so proud of her strength at the same time. I also feel a little guilty that I can feel so many amazing emotions and all the while she feels faceless, nameless and barely there. I'm grateful for the person I have in my life and never take it for granted. He is a beautiful human being.
The track below is one that today's meeting with my friend made me think of, it's rather beautiful, but sad. It's not about the same situation my friend is in but the mood of it seems to fit and I thought it might be nice to share.
Becca 💗