Recently a friend has sent me some personality tests , knowing that I will probably enjoy testing my mind. The results did not shock me as I have previously tried to assess my personality in order to better understand myself.
I am a female INTJ.This is rare. Only 0.8% of the female population. Only four of every five hundred women have an INTJ personality. Wow, lucky me! Talking about finding the needle in the haystack! I can put out a list of several articles about my type of personality, but I think it is better to speak from my own experience about what this means/feels like. It feels good to read about your personality as it can help you see that you are not as weird as you would have thought.
I know I can be stubborn as a mule. I don't tolerate authority and to be told what to do and how to do it. Being a female, many expect a submissive attitude, someone who wants to be led by a man. I have always had this issue and I could not accept to be told by a man what to do, especially when he was not doing a better job himself. Are you successful? I am ready to learn from you! Are you failing? Then why do you expect me to follow? It is a no brainer. I will always believe in a person who is willing to improve, but I will never follow blindly someone who is obviously failing and they refuse to admit that. Let me tell you a little line which is great for illustrating what I mean: a flock of sheeps led by a lion will advance better than a pack of lions led by a sheep. Think.
The lens through which I see the world functions on logic , not on emotions. I do have a hard time understanding the language of emotions and it takes me a long time to show affection at a deep level toward anyone. In romantic relationships this can be seen as a sign of coldness. I have often been told that I keep humans at a distance, that I am way too discrete and that I do too little in the relationship. I also have had a hard time leaving the wrong people because of my inability to accept that I have failed , that I have given my soul to the wrong guy. Failure is not in my vocabulary. It was heartbreaking to become vulnerable with the wrong person and definetely a wake up call for me.
The thing is that a female INTJ sees the world differently. I admit that I often see life as a list. I have a list for almost everything. I am highly mental and I know what I want. People can say that in love it doesn't work like this. I dare to disagree. For me mental stimulation is the most important. After the cuddles and the romance and the great sex, if I have nothing to talk about and dream about with that person, then I am utterly bored. I need someone who likes to educate themselves and who wants more from life. I like to have projects to do with my partner, dreams to fulfill, ideas to talk about. I think that conversations play a huge role in relationships and if you can't have soul to soul and mind to mind talks, then it is pretty much doomed. I sound harsh and cruel. I know. This is another trait of the female INTJ. I have moments of dreaming like a romantic pinguin and I have moments of ruthless mental strategy. For some people this can be tiring, for me it is a way of being. If you do not have a list, how do you expect to get what you want? I like organized people and those who know where they stand. I also like chaos and spontaneity. I am a living contrast and I can see how this can exhaust or scare away people. I do not like situationships and men who have no clue where their life is going. I often ask: what do you want? An answer like: I go with the flow is a major turn off. Who wants to be with someone who has no direction in their life? From my experience people act in the direction of their priorities . If they do not prioritize you or the relationship, that ain't going nowhere so it is better to cut your losses before they take more pieces from your soul without giving anything back.
I like colorful playful socks. So relevant right?
Being in your mind too much is not good all the time. I can tell you that it takes practice to get to my soul and see what I feel and why I feel it. Maybe this explains why it is more difficult to find a romantic partner as a female INTJ because love is the language of emotions. I am aware of the fact that in order to discover a person like me and be romantically involved a very strong willed and powerful man is necessary. Having a more masculine side, I find being vulnerable a weakness. I despise to show that I suffer/struggle because I often think that no one would care and often I had no one to soothe me. So I toughened up. This is another core trait of INTJ's: I am a teddy at my core and I can feel strong powerful emotions like love, compassion, empathy. But it takes me a longer time as I am mostly in my mind.
Friendships are not easy for INTJ females. I don't find girl stuff enjoyable. I have few friends and I stick to them. I do not need 10 calls per day and lots of chit chat. I find small talk annoying, gossip is boring and wasting hours shopping drains me. I like mental stimulations in friendships too. I am solid , I can be of great support if I trust the person. I value loyalty and that person being there for me when I need it and ask it. I do not need 20 friends as I do not have the emotional capacity to sustain that (exhausting) social interaction. I am an introvert so I need alone time. I need silence. Big social gatherings make me anxious, although I am a chameleon and I can adapt to any situation. But in many situations I prefer one on one , maximum 3 people, to have a conversation with. From the outside, a female like me can be seen as a social outkast, as a lonely wolf who is ready to bite if you're not careful. For me it works to focus on where I place my energy. We people have a limited quantity of energy daily. I like to give mine to those who appreciate it. There is a saying which I like and it is relevant for the way I see things: people who prioritize you free their time for you, those who care less just give their free time to anybody. So I feel special when I know that a busy person makes time for me versus someone who is bored by default and has nothing to do with their time and so he gives me some crumbles.
I value quality. Quality time, not just spending hours doing nothing. I long for meaningful connection, the deep conversations and the more superior aspect of life. We are more than humans, we are spirits. And I am deeply rooted in the spiritual energy of life. I want people who can talk to my soul while also talking to my mind. Difficult? For sure. If I could count the number of times I felt alone in a conversation.....there would be plenty. I long for someone with whom I could look at the stars knowing that silence is ok.
Solitude is another thing I have to talk about. I love having alone time. But having my type of personality can feel lonely because I find like minded people very hard. I adore to read books and I value those who do the same. I can't sit and watch TV for hours, I prefer to go out, talk about a book or hike. The normal interactions that people do in social gatherings are boring for me: why sit for hours turning my brain into mush instead of being mentally stimulated? For the love of God, for one moment, just stop thinking and overthinking woman. Hahaha. I know. This can be the very frustrating part of being a female INTJ. The constant unsatiable mental hunger. This is why I am aware I need a strong minded man, who is at least as hungry mentally as me. I also think I would make a better pair with an introvert as I find those who are overly extrovert exhausting. I don't like people who talk a lot all the time without saying much. You know what I mean. Or maybe you don't. But many social interactions are just about this: talking lots of nonsense in a repetitive way. Being overly analytical, I can see beyond the mask people put and how many of them hide their sadness behind an extrovert mask. And I can't be around that too much because I find it sad. I can feel sadness. My own sadness and the sadness of others. Despite my cold demeanor, I can feel complex emotions. But often it is hard to let myself go in that direction.
I value freedom and independence. For me love means to be free. I will not be the woman who will obey the man or accept the second place. Women accept less when they do not know their worth. Men can still be attached to their mothers and confuse romantic relationships with motherly affection. I find that deeply incompatible with my way of being. I like men who think for themselves, who have confidence in their powers and who stand their ground. I want to be able to rely on my guy taking important decisions in case I might be unable to . I value strong minded people who can take charge and lead. I like men who dare to think on their own and challenge the status quo. I like men who show emotions and who can talk difficult topics. The irony is that I often met men who mirrored my biggest flaw: the inability to express emotions. I know that I have to work on this as it can add to my strenghts. I find vulnerability a quality if the person knows when and how to show it. I like mentally tough men with a soft side. My masculine match mirroring me but in a different way. I also believe that someone who is able to show emotions would be a good match for me, as I would have something to learn from them. For me it is important to be able to respect the person. I respect sincerity, good attitude, strenght, emotions, romantism, strategy, dreams and goals. I value integrity and when I find out that I have been lied to, I instantly lose respect for the person. I can sniff a liar and I often have let them continue to lie, just to see for how long they can go on. It was sad but also a learning experience for me. I will not tolerate men who like to have ex-es as their best friends as it shows me a serious problem with boundaries. Men who have mommy issues are also a big no no, if they can't talk with their own mother or father, how will they do that with me? I also look in my own backyard and realize that the relationship I have with my parents will be the pattern used for romantic interactions. So I have made great efforts in that direction.I also do not tolerate men who are abusive in any way , be it emotionally , verbally or physically. For me any form of abuse can mean two things: therapy and treatment or bye bye. I think long term all the time and in the back of my mind I always had this Secret Question I never told to the guys I have dated, but this question was always decisive when I made up my mind: can this person be the father of my children? Can his behavior be a model, can he inspire and cultivate love? If the answer was no, why stay? I strongly believe in the power of influence and how we pick our partners can be a huge win or loss in life. Love is not enough. Qualities like responsibility, maturity, morals, respect, good communication skills are a must. I refuse to play the sacrificial role that many men saw their mothers playing, expecting all women to be the same: obedient, with low expectations, happy with any crumbles. I refuse. I dream big and I want to love and be loved big. I do not believe in having a romantic relationship just for the sake of it.
I think the impossible is possible and even if a person with my type of personality is rare, I do believe that there is a match for me. We all find our match eventually. First in ourselves , then in others....