I had a heated argument with someone. He was someone who meant a lot to me at the time. I did something he wasn’t okay with and he made it clear. Though his approach was like bile in my throat, I knew he was right. However, I was way too hurt, hardheaded and proud to admit or apologize for it. So, we began to argue. It was loud, it was heated, and it was dirty. His eyes were red, his voice hard and mine was no better.
Then I walked away. I left him talking to himself and he called for me to come back. He was livid, I could hear it and I was blind. Then, I felt his hand on my arm. He was rough but I was immediately engulfed in warmth to realize it. He hugged me, he apologized and said he was sorry. He kissed my forehead and smiled at me, then he wiped my face, I didn’t realize I had been crying. Then he asked if I would take ice cream. Just like that, everything was forgotten.
This happened over five years ago. This man was one I was in a romantic relationship with for almost a year. He was the first person (and most likely the first man in my life) to teach me the power of love through sincere apology. I can’t forget it. I was very young and hot blooded, I was a girl with scars and askew perspectives. My glasses were tinted with roses and thorns. I was what we call “Young”.
I remembered this moment because I realized something during one of my many meditations yesterday. I promised myself I would write about it so I won’t forget.
As a young woman, I find myself asking questions like “why should it be me? Why do I always have to be the bigger person?” I ask with good reason because I had a friend. I loved her with every fiber of my being. She had the naive and pure version of me. I would bend over to please her. As long as she would be happy, I was content not to be. She had so much power over me and I would always run back with my tail between my legs, apologizing. I would say sorry for every little thing. I didn’t care if I was wrong or right, as long as I could sustain that relationship. I wasn’t getting anything from her, I just truly loved her.
However, I got hurt. She hurt me so bad I couldn’t come back from it. Not even love was enough anymore and I became angry. So, I was legally stunned when this man took the first step to apologize. I remember asking him later on, when I felt I could face the issue.
“Why did you apologize? We both know I was wrong.”
“Yeah but at that moment that didn’t matter. If I ended up being right at the cost of losing you, then did I win at all?”
That was deep. It changed my perspective, it was immediate and erratic the effect his words had on me. I couldn’t believe it.
Anyway, I was just thinking and pondering. Someone offended me and I felt my pride rise to the surface. My emotions dictating to me how I should act and what I should say. I was in my world of hurt and I found new reasons and excuses as to why they should apologize first. In the end, I picked up my phone, called her and apologized. When I did, I felt peace. Not because she was entitled to my apology or because that’s how I rise above the situation but because there was a goal. We are both on a project and offense would only cause a rift.
So, I apologized. I asked she forgive me and I was surprised when she sighed and said I had nothing to be sorry about. She turned the whole thing and started apologizing for her behavior. She was so sincere and honest, and didn’t try to make excuses. There was no form of emotional blackmail. We said goodbye after all and I felt like I learned something new again.
A genuine apology doesn’t make excuses. It’s sincere and it takes responsibility. It doesn’t expect anything in return, it only wants to make amends. I said to myself, “Deraa, be sincere. Be true. And be responsible”.
All images are mine
