A recent conversation here on the blockchain put me in mind of friend circles, and how the people around us shape who we turn out to be. It's a paradoxical subject for me.
On the one hand, I strongly believe who we surround ourselves with determines who we are. It's something that's particularly evident in new relationships. When you enter a new relationship with someone, you'll look at their friends quite carefully, because that tells you a lot about who this person is, what their values are, how they choose to spend their time, what leisure looks like, what stimulates them intellectually. It's probably sound practice to try and associate with people who have the potential of helping you grow, and growing with you, and one of the earliest ways to tell that, when meeting someone new, is seeing who they hang out with.
Excusing bad behavior around someone you like only goes so far.
Eventually, you gotta realize it might not just be their friends who are trite, gossipy, stupid, mean-spirited, fickle, etc. And you gotta ask yourself why you care.
Because who they hang out with reflects on them, and who they are reflects on you, as long as they're your friend or partner. And we want people to reflect nicely on us. Obviously.
For me, I have quite a judgmental tendency, but I'm trying to curb it, and one of the things I do, whenever I see myself becoming mean towards someone I know is, rather than lash out at and analyse them (even if only in my head) is turn to myself. Become introspective for a second, and ask
If I feel this person is fickle/stupid/mean/narrow-minded, why do I hang out with them? What does this say about me? And why am I so offended by this behavior?
See, here's the thing. We all have these ideas of self, and depending on our level of self-awareness, they may be more or less distorted. Obviously, I think I'm smart, funny, enlightened, compassionate, leading a healthy lifestyle and so on and so forth.
That doesn't need to stay theory.
I can easily test if that's true by examining who I have around myself. And if the people around me aren't all that, then maybe I'm not either. It's important to stay self-aware, because when we become overly-judgmental of others around us, it's usually a good way to pass on the blame. Rather than examine the deeply-rooted fear that I may be stupid/mean/whatever, it's much easier to examine why someone in my circle is that. But that's just projection.
So yeah, staying mindful, and making sure your circle reflects your values is important. I think it's crucial to cut away relationships that keep you stuck in place, and no longer invite you to grow. Relationships that have maybe, in time, turned toxic, and you're having a hard time detoxifying. That's allowed.
That being said...
I had times when I wasn't a particularly likeable person. Times when as an outsider, I might have judged myself someone worth cutting out. And I'm grateful to the people who stuck by me even when I was that.
It's something I can never bring myself to say. How did you have patience with me? Why did you stick by me? and what could you be seeing in someone bent on self-destruction? Recently, I was out with a friend, and passed by a place I don't go often. It reminded me of that turbulent period in my life, of being so unaware, so irresponsible, of acting in and from a place of deep hurt.
It told me I am no longer that. It served as a memento of how far I've come. And yet, being with that friend there, I couldn't help but wonder ~ why did you stay my friend when I was like that? It was a new friendship at the time. There was no long-standing involvement. In older friendships, you kinda feel bound to stick it out. In newer ones, you have the freedom to just distance yourself. This person didn't, and didn't call me out on it, didn't make me feel like an asshole. This person was, instead, quietly observant. Probably noticed I was going through a bad time, and extended compassion and patience towards me.
In time, and in the quiet, understated light of that patience and compassion, I overcame the moment. Learned and grew. But maybe I couldn't have, if there hadn't been people like that around me.
You see now why I say it's a paradox? On the one hand, your circle reflects your psyche, and your own journey. On the other, we all need a little compassion sometimes. So when I find myself judging, I'm reminded of that compassion. I tell myself this person is struggling in their journey. And maybe they didn't give up on me when I was struggling in mine, or maybe someone else filled that role. Nevertheless, I was showed kindness, so the least I can do is pass it on back into the world.
My question, for whoever read through this is, well, thoughts? Assuming you are someone oriented towards growth and healing, how do you balance negative/difficult people in your life? How do you walk between showing compassion, and eliminating what no longer serves?
Picture source: "The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse" by Charles Mackesy
