Gone are the days I wallow in chaos, hoping strangely that order will come by. I have recently travelled back to a place I stayed, for the visit of nostalgia. Well, I can say that sometimes it’s good not to give in to nostalgia. For the emotions and feelings, memory and its remembrance. it’s not worth it. Our memory remembers, for the sweet part, what is fun or what we are fond of. And the bad part, what we don’t get to remember, is suppressed. For instance, in the case of a broken relationship, one may look back and remember the lovely part of the relationship during the course of it but forget the times when lonely crawls, when fights ensue, when insecurity was activated, which leads to feelings of insufficiency and low self-esteem.
I wanted to escape what I was feeling in the moment, the sinking into deep chaos after my exam, the stress both internally and externally. What I did was travel down to a town I knew, in which I felt peace during my stay. It was my coping mechanism.
Here I am.
Since I have been here, I have tried as much as possible to find what I enjoyed back then, the order this environment gave my life and how happy I was with everything. It was something I intensely looked for. But did I get it? I am not sure I have it. It’s been a few days here, at a place I thought I would find my peace and order again. It’s been cool. I have been engaging in book reading, movie watching, nothing serious, and I have constantly been chatting with this particular person who, day by day, has been becoming a strong person in my life.
Well, it’s a few days to when I travel back from this place, and I am still bent on getting the reason why I came. I am prepared to include journaling, like what I am currently doing. I am sure what I want is of the mind, and writing down my thoughts would help with the clarity I seek.
I have a lot of personal projects waiting and begging for attention. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I am not motivated to attend to anything. I am kinda feeling a bit lost, and maybe I need more time to get off this stress of a thing. I am getting the hang of it, I know. It may not feel that way, but of course, I would get better.