I was made to believe that wanting more for myself is also known as greed and then it was hammered in my head that greed is a terrible thing and we should make sure to never succumb to the greedy desires of the flesh. At such a young age, those teachings stuck with me well into adulthood and now, I realize that the only good thing I got out of those Sunday school teachings was how to identify greed and how devastating its effect can be on one's life in the long run.
Growing up, the fear of being labeled a greedy person stuck with me till I became an adult and it affected me along the way. I often wonder what would have become of me if I had simply gone for those opportunities that I wanted instead of limiting myself to just one and forcing myself to be content with it. I wonder if things would be different by now, would I still be me? Or would I have changed so much it'll be difficult to remember my past self?
I will never know and still, I wonder.
Fortunately, I finally realized that though the Sunday school teachers have good intentions towards the young ones, it doesn't mean that their delivery of a particular message always has the desired effects on the lives of those young ones and in many cases, the reverse is usually the case. Constantly being told that wanting more is equivalent to being a greedy person put me in a box which restricted me from asking for what I actually need(not even to satisfy any cravings) because I thought that I was asking for too much and content people never ask for too much, they're very satisfied with the small things they're given and they know how well to manage their little resources.
It put me in a position where standing up for myself to demand better service or the bare minimum when it comes to interpersonal relationships scared me so much and as a result I would tolerate a lot of nonsense from people.
All because I was scared of becoming ‘greedy’.
And what did that get me eventually? Nothing. Where did it get me? Nowhere.
It's not easy breaking away from the status quo that has been internalized for a long time, but it is possible. I realized that if I don't sit up and actually take control of my life, other people will continue to do it for me. Wanting to be the best version of myself is not greed, wanting a better life that's way better than my life right now as I write this post doesn't make me greedy. Wanting and demanding better pay and service does not make me greedy. It only means that I value myself enough to strive for the best and there's no shame in that which is what I do wish more people really understood.
Trying so hard not to be greedy had me second guessing every decision I was about to make. Every action that I took for my own benefit would go through a rigorous thinking process and many times I would end up talking myself out of it. In retrospect, I do wish I had paid more attention to myself and formed a very strong opinion of self instead of internalizing what other people wanted me to be. I now know better than I did and it makes me a little less sad.
I'm feel better now that I actually do things that I want to do without looking over my shoulder and overthinking everything.
Thank you for reading..
Image is mine, taken with my phone, Redmi 13C..