Life has many different moments. Some of those surpise you and change how you see yourself, while others are loud and will stay in your memory for long. Most of the times though, the big success or winning do not leave us with the greatest memories, rather it could be the everyday, quiet and sometimes sad events that impact us the most.
I've had many moments like this before, but one sticks with me more than the other, while it might not have been something of a big deal to everyone else, it was to me. It was in 200 level, during one of the toughest semesters I can remember. There was this math course, the kind that everyone talks about before you even get to that level and the kind people referred to as their worse course.
I've never been good at math. I wasn't even in secondary school, numbers always seem to slip away the moment I thought I understood them. But now, in university, it felt like math was everywhere I turned. That particular math course had a reputation, most students failed it. We would walk into class and see seniors from 300 level and 400 level sitting with us, retaking the course again because they had failed it. And the lecturer didn't make anything better. He constantly told us about how many of us would fail. This sounded as if he was stating a fact instead of giving advice.
I was already anxious because even though I had studied the math repeatedly, it refused to stick. I had to ask one of my friends for assistance, but everything still seemed like foreign even though she used simple terms to explain everything to me. And it appeared like nearly all my coursemate understood the materials better than I did, making me feel like I was behind.
Then exam day came. I had already told myself that I would at least feel calm if I sat next to my exam seatmate, a boy who always claimed to understand everything. I figured that just by sitting next to him, it might create a possibility for me to succeed in passing the course. But after we stepped into the exam all, I lost all of that confidence. Normally we would always sit next to each other because of our surnames. However, that day our seats were arranged differently. His number ended a row and mine started the next row. So I was on my own.
When I saw the exam questions, It felt like my heart started beating faster than normal and I thought about crying right there. The questions appeared as though they were composed of alien symbols throughout. But once I calmed down, I realised how I could handle my fear. I took a deep breath, said a little prayer, and I simply wrote something even if it might be wrong. I tried to remember the little my friend explained, the few formulas I could recall, and just worked through what I could.
After leaving the exam hall, I stopped thinking grades and was only concerned about passing, even if it's by a narrow margin. I thought to myself, "A D will be good enough for me. Don't just fail."
The result came out the following semester. When it time for me to check mine, it was not easy to find my own matric number on the result list as my hands won't stop shaking. When I did find my result though, I was pleasantly surprised by how much better I did than I had expected. While I did fall short of a perfect score, I was more than satisfied with what I got. I remember spending time standing there smiling.
I don't think anyone understood what that meant to me. It was not just about the score, rather a bunch of different things including relief, pride, and disbelief all mingled together. The realisation that some times, even when I might not believe that I could do something, I really might be able to if I allow myself to try, and I shouldn't let fear of failing stop me from giving it a go. A lot of time, the scariest events are where people find their strength. They also show us that we don't need to feel prepared before we proceed with certain actions, we simply need to act.
Thanks for reading...
Image is mine