I've had my phone's note open for almost the entire day. I keep reminding myself that I promised to write something today, yet, I just stare at my phone, type some words and then delete them. Simply because I do not know what to write about. Maybe it's because it has been nearly two months since I did my last post or wrote anything.
For two entire months, I have been saying "I am going to write tomorrow", but tomorrow turned into the next week, then I moved to saying "after my exams", and then "when I am settled." Then now, that I am ready to write again I have absolutely no idea on what I'm going to write, or even how to start.
I honestly thought writing again would be an easy thing. Like I'd just open my phone's notes, type some words, and everything would flow like before. But no. Even starting and choosing a topic felt like pressure. I kept asking myself unnecessary questions like, should I just explain why I left? Should I just act like I never left at all? Or should I try to come back with something really good, making the wait worthwhile?
Eventually, I just got tired of thinking too much and decided to start like this...
School happened, final year happened, and wow... I don't think anything can fully prepares someone for the level of stress that comes with being in your final year at the university. You start with thinking only about the best time to start studying for final year exams, and before you know it you have so many things that requires attention, all at the same time, like deadlines, seminars, projects, assignments, and exams. Making you feel like no matter how much you do, there will more that you need to do.
And sleep? completely ruined. I'm talking about sleeping by 4am, 5am, or not sleeping at all. There were many nights that I spent trying to read and got zero progress, I continued still, because, what other choice do I have?
Eventually, I became tired whether or not I was doing anything at all because of how few the breaks I took were. So, whenever there was time to rest, I rested, which made writing go out of my routine. Even opening Hive started seeming like work, and I didn't want that. I have always enjoyed writing here, but I didn't want to build a habit of posting because it felt like something I had to do.
Sometimes I get random urge to write. I would even have small ideas here and there, but I would tell myself "later" and move on. And later kept getting pushed forward until now.
I don't have anything planned out. There's no big comeback strategy or lists of posts ready to go. I just know I missed this and I want to get comfortable here again without putting pressure on myself. I just want to ease into it again, write more, think less and not disappear for another two months.
If anything, this post is just me breaking the silence. So yeah... hi again.
>Images are mine