¡Hola abejita deliciosa y preciosa! Como lo prometí, te traigo la continuación del blog anterior, siendo esta una introspección en el aprendizaje de mi año fuera de la colmena. Deseo que vueles conmigo y nos tomemos una taza de te cargado de mucho aprendizaje y con dos cucharaditas de mucho amor. Let’s GO!
The meaning of our happiness varies between conforming and moving, even if it is often uncomfortable. But growth is in the development of our will and of course in constancy. A building is not built in a single day if you want strong and solid foundations over the years. Sustainability, that is the word I wanted to teach you. A short-term change is worthless, when the great achievements are those that do not wear out over time. The master equation to apply in every area of your life. Willpower + perseverance = sustainability.
Hello, you Delicious and precious little bee! As promised, I bring you the continuation of the previous blog, this one being an introspection on learning from my year away from the hive. I wish you to fly with me and let's have a cup of tea filled with lots of learning and two teaspoons of lots of love. Let's GO!
CAPITULO II: MI LUGAR SEGURO. EL HOGAR NO ES UN LUGAR, ES UN SENTIMIENTO🏡❤️
CHAPTER II: MY SAFE PLACE. HOME IS NOT A PLACE, IT'S A FEELING 🏡❤️
Mis niveles de exigencias los reduje a un 50%, subí mi presupuesto y renuncié a la idea de irme a una ciudad calentita. Aun así, cuando decía que era venezolana era un grandísimo problema, no servían mis extractos bancarios, no servían mis cartas de recomendación, no servía NADA.
I realized that I had spent so many years dedicated to work that I knew absolutely nothing outside my work space, I did not know the reality of xenophobia so great that lived in the country and how far everything was (I lived in a beautiful small town all those years, everything was close and my apartment was only 5 minutes walk from my work).
Aprendizaje: No te afanes demasiado, ocúpate y jamás te rindas porque hay algo escrito para ti. Ten paciencia y fe, continuando con tus esfuerzos lograras lo que quieres.
Por otro lado, no generalices. Nadie es igual a nadie, hay un porcentaje de personas que reúnen malas experiencias con una población migrante, personas que simplemente no les caen bien u otras razones y todo esto es válido, en perspectiva hay otro pequeño porcentaje que aún tiene fe en que las personas buenas existen todavía sin importar su apellido, nacionalidad o color de piel. Animo.
Dato curioso: Hace frio en este lugar, pero tengo una hermosa chimenea y un calentador de espacios.
Finally, 3 days before the beginning of February I found a beautiful apartment in the city, with an excellent landlord, the apartment matched my initial requirements and exceeded my expectations. I sent the requested documents, paid and within three days I was moving in.
February for me was a complete adjustment.
Learning: Don't worry too much, be busy and never give up because there is something written for you. Have patience and faith, by continuing with your efforts you will achieve what you want.
On the other hand, do not generalize. There is a percentage of people who have bad experiences with a migrant population, people who simply do not like them or other reasons and all this is valid, in perspective there is another small percentage that still has faith that good people still exist regardless of their last name, nationality or skin color. Cheer up.
Fun fact: It's cold in this place, but I have a beautiful fireplace and a space heater.
Capitulo III: Somos lo que hacemos para cambiar lo que somos (si sabemos que algo no anda bien) 👀 💭
Chapter III: We are what we do to change who we are (if we know that something is wrong) 👀 💭
Nota: En diciembre un cardiólogo analizó mi estado del corazón porque mis taquicardias estaban siendo muy frecuentes, su conclusión fue que quizás mi cirugía se había dañado y podríamos contemplar la posibilidad de volver a operarme e instalar un mini desfibrilador en el corazón. Mandó exámenes médicos, y por supuesto HUIR del trabajo porque era un ambiente dañino para mi salud. Ese día mi mundo se vino abajo…
Obviamente es algo en lo que no estoy de acuerdo y a lo que me niego rotundamente, así que marzo, abril y mayo fueron meses de mucha mucha depresión, tuve días muy oscuros en mi vida, pensamientos y planes para dejar de vivir, y agradezco a Dios, a mi familia y a mi prometido que siempre estuvieron allí para hacerme sentir amada y valiosa.
***In December a cardiologist analyzed my heart condition because my tachycardias were being very frequent, his conclusion was that maybe my surgery had been damaged and we could contemplate the possibility of reoperating and installing a mini defibrillator in my heart. He ordered medical tests, and of course RUN AWAY from work because it was a harmful environment for my health. That day my world came crashing down...
Obviously it is something I don't agree with and flatly refuse, so March, April and May were months of much much much depression, I had very dark days in my life, thoughts and plans to stop living, and I thank God, my family and my fiancé who were always there to make me feel loved and valuable.
Resultados: tensión arterial, controlada. Lo demás; ninguno.
As you know I am not a person who sits around licking my wounds, I am a person of solutions. I went to homeopathic and alternative medicine, the doctor managed to end my stress problems which were closely linked to my anxiety and my former job. We tried to fight with panic attacks, anxiety and depression, medicines, drops, she did therapies with electricity and injected me a couple of times in my head, chest and other areas (I know, it's traumatic hahaha but it's not as painful as it seems, strength and determination).
Results:Blood pressure, controlled. The rest; none.
Again the results were negative, but I must be honest I DID NOT TAKE THEM (insert laughter again🤣).
Decidí resignarme a asistir a psiquiatría, a lo que fue mi segundo momento más humilde del año, según yo estábamos pagando el mejor psiquiatra de Bogotá. Parecía tener mas problemas que yo, un serio problema con el alcohol y ser un fugitivo de la justicia. Tengo fotos, pero no creo prudente mostrarles. Bien, todas las citas fueron virtuales porque según su agenda era imposible asistir al consultorio (raro). Administró antidepresivos, ansiolíticos, terapias psicológicas que el mismo me hacía y cobraba aparte. Terminó diagnosticándome bipolaridad. (riamos juntos). Porque sus píldoras no hacían ningún efecto y yo iba en picada sin frenos, cada vez más. Este último diagnostico encendió una alerta en mí de que a ver; sé que no estoy bien, pero se quién soy y me conozco. Por allí no va la cosa.
A parte de que su desconfianza para recetarme ansiolíticos era un nivel legendario. Sino sabes que son ansiolíticos, muchos de ellos son considerados narcóticos de uso médico y son regulados por la superintendencia de Salud del país en el que resides. En términos generales, se les llaman “medicamentos controlados”. Me preguntaba a mí misma en ese entonces, si el desconfiaba de mí. Entonces ¿para que los recetaba? porque era algo que yo JAMAS había tomado.
Resultados: Ahí no era amiga, hui.
I decided to resign myself to attending psychiatry, to what was my second most humbling moment of the year, according to me we were paying for the best psychiatrist in Bogota. He seemed to have more problems than me, a serious problem with alcohol and being a fugitive from justice. I have pictures, but I don't think it prudent to show them. Well, all appointments were virtual because according to his schedule it was impossible to attend the office (weird). He administered antidepressants, anxiolytics, psychological therapies that he did himself and charged me separately. He ended up diagnosing me with bipolar disorder (let's laugh together). Because his pills had no effect and I was going downhill without brakes, more and more. This last diagnosis triggered an alert in me that let's see; I know I am not well, but I know who I am and I know myself. That's not the way it's going.
Aside from the fact that his distrust of prescribing me anxiolytics was at a legendary level. If you don't know what anxiolytics are, many of them are considered narcotics for medical use and are regulated by the health superintendence of the country in which you reside. Generally speaking, they are called "controlled drugs". I used to ask myself back then, if he didn't trust me. Then why was he prescribing them, because it was something I had NEVER taken.
Results: I was not a friend there, I ran away.
Tuve cambios en la medicación y ajustes de dosis en varias oportunidades, con depresión severa, pensamientos intrusivos y ataques de pánico. Pero como sabrán todo es un proceso. Y ella me hacía confiar en su trabajo, entre medicinas, terapias psiquiátricas y anexamos terapias psicológicas (cognitivo conductual para superar mi pasado), por fin vi mejoría en mi estado emocional.
Hoy 13 meses después seguimos en terapia, seguimos trabajando en ser mejores. Las medicinas controladas solo las tomo en un momento de extrema ansiedad, pero debo mencionar que la fuerza de voluntad es clave en tu progreso, así que tengo dos meses sin tomar NI un solo ansiolítico. Solo los antidepresivos y por fin siento que mi corazón brilla y arde.
La doctora determinó que mis taquicardias eran causadas por la ansiedad y los ataques de pánico y que está bastante segura de que no volveré a quirófano. Al menos no por esa razón.
Resultados: La veo una vez cada dos meses, seguimos trabajando en mí. Sigo soñando con mi pasado, sigo teniendo pesadillas con mi ex jefa, sigo teniendo días no tan buenos, pero hay que entender que cuando buscas ayuda psicológica y psiquiátrica no es para eliminar el dolor de tu vida porque es imposible, sino para no sufrir innecesariamente. Tener herramientas y sanar los cristales con los que tu corazón ve.
Aprendizaje: Ninguna batalla a la que vayas para pelear por ti, será pérdida de tiempo. Y aunque creas perder algunas batallas, no dejes de luchar hasta obtener la victoria de la guerra.
Lo que es para ti, no debe de pesar. Aunque creas que has fallado recuerda lo que te dije “todas las cosas que consideras malas, son pequeñas piezas de un rompecabezas que contribuyen a grandes cosas buenas”
Today 13 months later we are still in therapy, still working to get better. Controlled medications I only take them in a moment of extreme anxiety, but I must mention that willpower is key in your progress, so I have two months without taking ONE anxiolytic. Just the antidepressants and I finally feel my heart glowing and burning.
The doctor determined that my tachycardias were caused by anxiety and panic attacks and she's pretty sure I won't be going back to the OR. At least not for that reason.
Results: I see her once every two months, we keep working on me. I keep dreaming about my past, I keep having nightmares about my ex-boss, I keep having not so good days, but you have to understand that when you seek psychological and psychiatric help it is not to eliminate the pain from your life because it is impossible, but to not suffer unnecessarily. To have tools and heal the crystals with which your heart sees.
Learning: No battle you go to fight for you will be a waste of time. And even if you think you lose some battles, do not stop fighting until you get the victory of the war.
What is for you, should not weigh you down. Even if you think you have failed remember what I told you "all the things you consider bad, are small pieces of a puzzle that contribute to big Good things."
Continuará/Continuará❤️🌱
Recursos/resources:
Imagenes/images: cámara Samsung A71 y A53.
Diseño/desing: CanvaPro, creación propia/CanvaPro, own creation.