Spanish
Hola a todos, hoy quiero compartir una anécdota que no tiene mucho logré superar gracias a una persona muy especial para mí y ahora que ya no me culpo por ello, quiero sacarlo de mi sistema y de mi corazón.
Esto se remonta a mis tiempos de delincuente, después de regresar a casa y volver a la escuela, todavía seguía siendo alguien que era bastante agresivo, molestaba y golpeaba a gente en la escuela, incluso los maestros me tenían miedo, pero todo cambio cuando una chica apareció en mi vida, una chica llamada Renata, yo al ser alguien que quería imponer contra la gente ella no sería la excepción, la quise empezar a hostigar, pero nunca conté con que ella se defendería contra mi, yo solo tenía experiencia en peleas callejeras, peleando sucio pero ella practicaba artes marciales, Karate y boxeo para ser exactos, peleamos como perros y gatos, día tras día, hasta que empezamos a hablar, se presentó conmigo y yo con ella, empezamos a juntarnos poco a poco, conociéndonos lentamente, incluso me cobró tantos pares de lentes que le rompía por los golpes que le daba en la cara.
Ella empezó a controlarme y fue más cuando un día caminado con ella a su casa como era habitual, saque una cadena para golpear y robar la cartera de un chico algo mayor que yo, ella no dijo nada, hasta que llegamos a su casa, para este punto yo conocía su dirección y a su familia, sus padres eran buenos conmigo pero su hermano por su parte me odiaba, el sabía que la razón por la cual su hermana estaba lastimada era por mi, ese día ella me dió la golpiza de mi vida, me amenazó con darme una paliza similar para que prometiera que jamás volvería a robar ni a golpear gente solo por placer.
Por ella jamás volví a cometer atrocidades, era difícil pero quería respetar su palabra. Después de pasar tiempo con ella y su familia, ellos me empezaron a tratar como uno más, me enseñaron modales e incluso cuando una vez me invitaron a cenar, para dicha cena me compraron un traje sumamente caro pero lindo, un traje a medida, de color negro con una camisa roja y corbata negra con rayas rojas, un hermoso traje y ese día cuando llegue a ver a Renata con un vestido rojo combinado conmigo, me sentí atrapado, sentía como mi corazón latía rápido, era amor lo que sentía en ese momento aun cuando yo reprimia mis emociones y era inexpresivo pero ya estaba trabajando en ello, ese día nos lo pasamos increíble, me gustaba estar con ella, pasar el tiempo con ella, fue uno de los pocos momentos donde me sentía en paz, no me sentía feliz, sino que en calma conmigo mismo, estaba cambiando para bien y todo gracias a una persona muy especial para mi.
Una ocasión, cuando estaba con ella en su casa baje al baño, hablé con su mamá que es un amor de persona, era una madre ejemplar para muchos, cuando subía las escaleras, antes de entrar al cuarto, la escuché en una llamada, ella estaba hablando con una amiga, recuerdo bien sus palabras, estás eran "todavía no le he dicho que me gusta, además no se si yo le guste también, quiero que seamos más que amigos" esas palabras sonaron en mi cabeza y en mi corazón, sabía que tenía que decirle algo.
Entre a su habitación a lo que ella colgó la llamada, la tarde paso con normalidad ese 7 de diciembre, antes de irme le dije lo siguiente: "el 9 de diciembre saldremos de vacaciones, pero estaré ocupado, así que porque no vienes a ver unas películas el 10 de diciembre en mi casa" ella emocionada acepto sin dudarlo, al día siguiente hice lo posible para comprar una cadena, brazalete y anillo de acero inoxidable ya que ella era fanatica de este metal, quería que la declaración de amor fuera perfecta, y más estando en mi casa, siendo un lindo detalle que mis padres la conocieran como mi mejor amiga y terminando el día despidiendola como mi novia.
El 10 de diciembre llegó, estaba entusiasmado por su llegada, le mandaba mensajes y todo, su último mensaje fue "me voy a bañar, me preparo y salgo hacía tu casa" era el día más feliz de mi vida, por primera vez era feliz. Lamentablemente nunca llegó, me sentía frustrado, ¿Me había plantado? ¿Quizás solo jugo conmigo? ¿Acaso no quería esto? Fueron preguntas que me hice ese día. El 11 de diciembre, recibí una llamada de parte de su madre, yo ante tal sorpresa conteste "Hola señora buenos días, oiga ¿Me podría pasar a Renata para hablar con ella?" A lo que solo con dolor me respondió "Adrian es por Renata que te estoy llamando, ayer la mataron... Hubo un tiroteo fuera de la casa y ella fue víctima de una bala perdida".
Quedé en shock, no podía hablar, la señora se disculpaba conmigo y me pidió que fuera al funeral el 12 de diciembre, ni siquiera pude colgar la llamada por tal noticia, en mi cabeza decía que no era verdad. El 12 de diciembre salí diciendo que iba a ver a un amigo (en ese entonces ya tenía permiso de salir) lleve una mochila con el traje que me habían regalado, antes de llegar me cambié y fui a su casa, llegando ví mucha gente vestida de negro y dentro de la casa estaba el ataúd y en el, estaba Renata, no podía decir nada, solo lágrimas salian de mis ojos pidiendo despertar de esta horrible pesadilla, me snetia roto. Su hermano al verme solo me saco de la casa a la fuerza tirando me en la calle diciendo unas palabras que se me quedaron marcadas en mi alma "Tu mataste a mi hermana, si no fuera por ti, ella no hubiera muerto, todo es tu culpa, tu debiste de haber muerto en su lugar" con un golpe en la cara me quedé en la calle, llorando, con el traje que una vez use por ella ensuciado y roto, su madre al verme solo salió y me consoló diciendo " no es tu culpa Adrian, estás cosas pasan, tu no tienes la culpa" pero para mí las palabras de su hermano fueron más poderosas.
No fui al entierro, mi mente, mi corazón, mi alma estaban destruidas y decidiendo no volver a amar, algo que aunque era dificil para mi en este punto, quise hacer, cargué con esa culpa durante años y aunque muchos me decían que no era mi culpa, pocos amigos que conocieron la historia, siempre sentía que era mi culpa, siempre me culpaba de eso, una culpa que cargue durante años, incluso por eso cerré mi corazón a nuevas personas, cometiendo errores que lamentaria posteriormente y que incluso al hacer esto no supe cómo ser una buena persona ni pareja porque no sabía cómo actuar como tal después de este dolor tan grande para mí.
Las iniciales RXD siempre significaron "Renata X (10 en Romano) de diciembre" siendo un alias que uso siempre, pero más que nada es como una cruz con la cual cargue por años. Pero no hace mucho, una nueva persona que aprecio en mi vida y quiero mucho, me ayudó con esto, está personita especial para mí, me ayudó a quitarme esas enormes cadenas de culpa que sentía por este evento, evento que cada 10, 11 y 12 de diciembre me destruía mentalmente, teniendo pesadillas donde desperataba gritando y llorando y que por 7 largos años llevaba arrastrando conmigo destruyendome el corazón, pero esta nueva persona, no solo me ayudo a quitarme ese peso de culpa, me hizo perdonarme a mi mismo por esta tragedia, gracias.
Gracias por tomarse el tiempo de leer mi publicación.
English
Hello everyone, today I want to share an anecdote that is not long ago, but I managed to overcome it thanks to a very special person for me and now that I no longer blame myself for it, I want to get it out of my system and out of my heart. This goes back to my delinquent days, after I came back home and went back to school, I was still someone who was quite aggressive, I would bully and hit people at school, even the teachers were scared of me, but everything changed when a girl appeared in my life, a girl named Renata, being someone who wanted to impose on people, she would not be the exception, I wanted to start harassing her, but I never counted on her defending herself against me, I only had experience in street fights, fighting dirty but she practiced martial arts, Karate and boxing to be exact, we fought like cats and dogs, day after day, until we started talking, she introduced herself to me and I to her, we started to get together little by little, getting to know each other slowly, she even charged me for so many pairs of glasses that I broke because of the hits I gave her in the face.
She started to control me and it was more when one day walking with her to her house as usual, I took out a chain to hit and steal the wallet of a boy somewhat older than me, she did not say anything, until we arrived at her house, at this point I knew her address and her family, her parents were good to me but her brother for his part hated me, he knew that the reason why his sister was hurt was because of me, that day she gave me the beating of my life, she threatened to give me a similar beating so that I promised that I would never steal or hit people again just for pleasure. Because of her I never committed atrocities again, it was difficult but I wanted to respect her word. After spending time with her and her family, they started treating me like one of them, they taught me manners and even when one time they invited me to dinner, for said dinner they bought me an extremely expensive but nice suit, a tailored black suit with a red shirt and black tie with red stripes, a beautiful suit and that day when I got to see Renata in a red dress that matched me, I felt trapped, I felt like my heart was beating fast, it was love what I felt at that moment even though I repressed my emotions and was expressionless but I was already working on it, that day we had an incredible time, I liked being with her, spending time with her, it was one of the few moments where I felt at peace, I didn't feel happy, but calm with myself, I was changing for the better and all thanks to a very special person to me.
One time, when I was with her at her house, I went down to the bathroom, I spoke to her mother who is a lovely person, she was an exemplary mother for many, when I went up the stairs, before entering the room, I heard her on a call, she was talking to a friend, I remember her words well, they were "I still haven't told her that I like her, besides I don't know if she likes me too, I want us to be more than friends" those words rang in my head and in my heart, I knew I had to say something. I went into her room and she hung up the call. The afternoon passed normally on December 7th. Before I left, I told her the following: "On December 9th we will go on vacation, but I will be busy, so why don't you come watch some movies on December 10th at my house." She excitedly accepted without hesitation. The next day I did everything possible to buy a stainless steel chain, bracelet and ring since she was a fan of this metal. I wanted the declaration of love to be perfect, and even more so while at my house. It was a nice detail that my parents knew her as my best friend and ending the day by saying goodbye to her as my girlfriend.
December 10th arrived. I was excited about her arrival. I sent her messages and everything. Her last message was "I'm going to take a shower, get ready and head out to your house." It was the happiest day of my life. For the first time, I was happy. Unfortunately, she never came. I felt frustrated. Had she left me? Maybe she was just messing with me? Did she not want this? These were questions I asked myself that day. On December 11, I received a call from her mother. To my surprise, I answered, "Hello, ma'am, good morning. Could you please pass me to Renata so I can talk to her?" To which she only answered with pain, "Adrian, it's because of Renata that I'm calling you. She was killed yesterday... There was a shooting outside the house and she was the victim of a stray bullet."
I was in shock. I couldn't speak. The lady apologized to me and asked me to go to the funeral on December 12. I couldn't even hang up the call because of such news. In my head I was saying that it wasn't true. On December 12th I went out saying I was going to see a friend (at that time I already had permission to go out) I carried a backpack with the suit they had given me, before arriving I changed and went to his house, arriving I saw many people dressed in black and inside the house was the coffin and in it, was Renata, I couldn't say anything, only tears came out of my eyes begging to wake up from this horrible nightmare, I felt broken. His brother, seeing me, alone took me out of the house by force, throwing me out into the street, saying a few words that remained etched in my soul: "You killed my sister, if it weren't for you, she wouldn't have died, it's all your fault, you should have died instead." With a blow to the face, I was left on the street, crying, with the suit I once wore for her dirty and torn. His mother, seeing me, alone came out and consoled me, saying: "It's not your fault Adrian, these things happen, it's not your fault." But for me, his brother's words were more powerful.
I didn't go to the funeral, my mind, my heart, my soul were destroyed and I decided not to love again, something that although it was difficult for me at this point, I wanted to do, I carried that guilt for years and although many told me it wasn't my fault, few friends who knew the story, always felt it was my fault, I always blamed myself for that, a guilt that I carried for years, even because of that I closed my heart to new people, making mistakes that I would regret later and that even by doing this I didn't know how to be a good person or a partner because I didn't know how to act like one after this pain so great for me.
The initials RXD always meant "Renata X (10 in Roman) of December" being an alias that I always use, but more than anything it is like a cross that I carried for years. But not long ago, a new person in my life that I appreciate and love very much, helped me with this, this special person for me, helped me get rid of those huge chains of guilt that I felt for this event, an event that every 10th, 11th and 12th of December destroyed me mentally, having nightmares where I woke up screaming and crying and that for 7 long years I had been dragging with me destroying my heart, but this new person, not only helped me get rid of that weight of guilt, made me forgive myself for this tragedy, thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post.
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