[ESP]
Saludos Hivers, espero que se encuentren bien.
Hace ya varios días que había iniciado un post sobre las amistades, porque se pierden. En mi vida he conocido a muchas personas y he tolerado situaciones algo tóxicas pensando que son pasajeras, que no tienen importancia, que son “cosas de la amistad”, pero realmente me di cuenta que estaba equivocada. Cuando estamos en presencia de algo tóxico, no es pasajero, ni debe ser tolerado, simplemente no nos conviene y debemos dejarlo. A veces la toxicidad de otro ser puede confundirse con defectos, todos los tenemos porque no somos perfectos, pero más allá de nuestras imperfecciones hay que identificar ciertos patrones de conducta y decidir.
En mis años de universidad conocí a una chica que compartió residencia conmigo en la ciudad de Barcelona, Estado Anzoátegui, Venezuela, ella era muy alegre, pura risa. Yo me divertía mucho con ella y aprendí muchas cosas. Compartimos aventuras, salidas, fiestas, en fin, estuvo en mi casa y conoció a mi familia y yo igual, conocí a la de ella.
No obstante, detrás de esa personalidad avasallante había un cúmulo de detalles que me fueron incomodando al punto de decepcionarme. Ella venía de una familia humilde, su madre, fallecida desde hace ya varios años, vendía sopa en un mercado para pagarle los estudios en la universidad privada donde nos conocimos. La señora cocinaba muy exquisito y ese legado se lo dejó a sus hijas, a ella, mi amiga y a su hermana.
Ese punto de la cocina era justo uno de los tantos motivos de diferencia entre ella y yo. Aprendí a cocinar gracias a mi madre, ella era cuidadosa con nuestra salud, no le gustaba usar condimentos artificiales, evitaba las grasas, el exceso de sal y azúcar. En cambio, aquella familia de mi amiga que cocinaba con mucha sazón, era todo lo contrario, sus comidas eran deliciosas pero no muy sanas. Por eso, esa amiga me criticaba, que mi comida era desabrida y me hacía comentarios despectivos, incluso delante de otras personas y me dejaba en pena.
Los años pasaron y ahora ella casada y con hijos, me invitó a su casa a pasar una navidad, ella se burlaba de mi, decía que cocinara con la siguiente acotación: “Cocina como quede eso no los comemos”. Su hijo menor lo replicaba “si, como quede eso nos lo comemos”, ella al escuchar esto se reía. En cierta forma fomentaba el Bullying y la falta de respeto hacia mi persona. Lógicamente, yo me negué a cocinar mientras estuve en su casa, ayudaba en todo, menos en eso.
Ella parece que nunca entendió que cada quien tiene su forma de hacer las cosas, que el hecho de que yo no cocinara como ella no significaba que no lo supiera hacer. Por salud, yo le decía que bajara el consumo de sal y el azúcar, ella me llamaba “desabrida”. Hoy en día ella es hipertensa.
No sé si sus carencias de dinero le hicieron ver la vida desde otra óptica. Le daba mucha importancia al dinero, más que al apoyo moral y emocional, yo me inclino más por eso, por una mamo amiga. Recuerdo que ella refirió que en una fiesta de su hijo alguien le dio un buen regalo, “no era un juguete cualquiera, era Fisher Price”, una marca reconocida y por lo tanto algo costosa. Yo le llevé un juguete, no era de marca y cuando lo vio lo hizo de manera despectiva. No dijo nada, pero con la mirada lo hizo.
Por sus constantes críticas yo me sentía siempre como en una evaluación en la que siempre reprobaba. Tenía la costumbre de regañarme delante de otros, me dejaba en pena, así lo hacía con su esposo, sobrinos, etc.
Siempre resaltaba las cosas materiales que le daban, si alguien le regalaba algo decía: “eso solo lo hace un verdadero amigo”. Entiendo que el dinero puede ser de mucha ayuda y puede solventar muchas cosas, pero no recuerdo escucharla decir que alguien le dijo unas palabras de aliento o la apoyó en una situación difícil. Siempre se refería a lo que le regalaban. Algunas veces cuando yo le contaba algo porque me sentía triste o tenía un problema, ella solo se limitaba a decir “no le pares” o “no hagas caso”, cuando realmente quería escuchar una palabra de aliento, un consejo.
Ella tiene unos sobrinos que se fueron a Perú y ella criticaba a uno de ellos porque no le depositaba, en cambio a la otra sobrina la alaba porque le depositaba semanal. Yo le decía “él no tiene obligación contigo, en todo caso es con su mamá y ella está allá con él”. Por eso ese sobrino era malo y hablaba de él con rencor.
Yo no le daba nada material y quizás por eso no soy “buena amiga”. Yo en mi trabajo no tenía buen sueldo, ella me criticaba, me llamaba tacaña, pero luego se contradecía, me decía que renunciara porque cobraba poco. Un día le dije “si tú me mantienes me renuncio”. Lo curioso de todo es que ella no trabaja, solo su esposo, que fácil, ella solo recibe el dinero para gastarlo, yo tenía que distribuirlo para pasar el mes.
Cuando yo comparaba algo me echaba en cara que ella había comprado algo mejor. O me gritaba “tienes real”, sin saber que sacrificio había hecho yo para adquirirlo. Si yo no colaboraba me criticaba y si lo hacía también, esa frase trillada no faltaba, “tienes real” .
Hasta que un día me cansé y me alejé de ella. Me echó en cara que yo viajaba y que si el sueldo me daba para viajar me podía comprar una casa o pagar un alquiler. Eso no era así, me indignó, porque esos viajes fueron subsidiados, no salieron de mi salario. Yo no quise discutir y me alejé.
La tolerancia tiene un límite y la mía se acabó. Cada persona es diferente y tiene su manera de hacer las cosas, no por eso es una inútil como me catalogaba ella. Me tenía en un concepto de que yo no sabía hacer nada porque no lo hacía a la manera de ella. En las amistades hay diferencias, porque pensamos distinto, los puntos de vista no son iguales, pero para eso existe la tolerancia. Sin ella es imposible soportar esas diferencias, aceptar al otro tal como es. No obstante, eso no significa que no haya límites y se pierda el respeto. Por eso, si la situación se vuelve tóxica, no vale nada ser tolerantes.
Por dinero….
El dinero es una de las causas más comunes por las que se rompen las amistades. La vida me enseñó eso y más cuando se trata de familia. Una prima me pidió 30$ prestados, ella tenía un problema, yo me sentí feliz por ayudarla. Una mañana me escribió pidiéndome ese gran favor, cuando le pregunté por la fecha de pago me contestó “lo más pronto posible”. Su esposo vino a mi casa y yo le entregué el dinero.
“Lo más pronto posible” se convirtió en meses interminables. Cuando transcurrieron 4 meses, le cobré, incluso, era un préstamo sin intereses. Ella me decía “estoy pendiente”, pero solo eso, nada de pago, los meses pasaban y yo no veía ni un quinto. Ella cobró un dinero y de mi se olvidó. Luego me enteré que su esposo compró un carro, luego lo vendió y compró otro mejor, y aún así no me pagaron. Ya la deuda iba a cumplir un año y nada del pago. Cuando iba a su casa, me veían de lo más normal, como si no existiera la deuda.
A mí no me gusta cobrar, pero transcurrían los meses y mi prima no me daba me razones de mi dinero, ya habían pasado 10 meses. Ella no tenía teléfono así que tuve que hablar con su hermana, le dije que ya la deuda tenía mucho tiempo.
Una mañana, mi prima me escribió desde el teléfono de su hermana, me insultó y me dijo que yo me había puesto a hablar mal de ella en todas partes y eso no era verdad. Eso me dolió mucho, porque yo le presté el dinero para ayudarla, sin intereses, la idea no era lucrarme, sino verla feliz porque arreglaría su problema. Una semana después de aquel altercado fui a su casa y hablamos. Hicimos un acuerdo con el pago, “hicimos las paces” y nos pedimos disculpas. Pensé que todo se arreglaría, pero no fue así, todo quedó en palabras.
Después de aquel día del supuesto acuerdo, fui a visitar a sus padres y ella llegó con su esposo, no me saludaron. Otro día que coincidí con su esposo, él no me saludó y cuando me dirigí a él (no hablé del pago), no me respondió y me ignoró. Allí me di cuenta de todo y me alejé de ellos hasta el día de hoy. Más allá de no haber recuperado mi dinero, me dolió la actitud de ellos, como me trataron y como se burlaron de mi confianza. Lloré mucho, me sentí muy triste y me deprimí por varios meses, afortunadamente logré superarlo.
Esa situación no me desmoronó, al contrario, me hizo más fuerte y segura, me ayudó a no callar lo que siento y a decir lo que pienso. Aprendí a “decir no” aunque me cueste y digan que soy mala.
Cuando estaba deprimida llegué a pensar que “si no le hubiera prestado el dinero, aún fuéramos amigas”. Quizás nunca lo fuimos y por eso pasó esto. Con el tiempo y después de muchas lágrimas entendí que la culpable no era yo, fueron ellos los que fallaron. Que esos insultos los usó como una barrera para no pagar, de hecho, nunca me pagó. Encima de todos se molestan y quien debería estar molesta era yo, que decepción.
Así es que se pierden las amistades, porque caemos en situaciones tóxicas, críticas destructivas, comentarios despectivos y hay quienes no toleran verte mejor que ellos. Prestar dinero es delicado, las personas no valoran tu sacrifico y no asumen con responsabilidad los compromisos. Un amigo a quien le conté mi amarga experiencia me mandó una imagen que decía “por más triste que sea la historia que te cuenten, no prestes dinero” .
"La amistad es maravillosa, pero solo cuando es verdadera"
[ENG]
Greetings Hivers, I hope you are well.
Several days ago I had started a post about friendships, because they are lost. In my life I have met many people and I have tolerated somewhat toxic situations thinking that they are temporary, that they are not important, that they are "friendship things", but I really realized that I was wrong. When we are in the presence of something toxic, it is not temporary, nor should it be tolerated, it simply does not suit us and we should leave it. Sometimes the toxicity of another being can be confused with defects, we all have them because we are not perfect, but beyond our imperfections we have to identify certain patterns of behavior and decide.
In my college years I met a girl who shared residence with me in the city of Barcelona, Anzoátegui State, Venezuela, she was very cheerful, pure laughter. I had a lot of fun with her and I learned many things. We shared adventures, outings, parties, in short, she was in my house and met my family and I met hers.
However, behind that overwhelming personality there was an accumulation of details that made me uncomfortable to the point of disappointment. She came from a humble family, her mother, deceased several years ago, sold soup in a market to pay for her studies at the private university where we met. She was an exquisite cook and that legacy she left to her daughters, her, my friend and her sister.
That point of cooking was just one of the many reasons for the difference between her and me. I learned to cook thanks to my mother, she was careful with our health, she did not like to use artificial seasonings, she avoided fats, excess salt and sugar. On the other hand, my friend's family, who cooked with a lot of seasoning, was the opposite, their meals were delicious but not very healthy. For that reason, that friend criticized me, that my food was tasteless and made derogatory comments, even in front of other people and made me feel sorry for myself.
Years went by and now she was married and had children, she invited me to her house to spend Christmas, she made fun of me, she told me to cook with the following remark: "Cook like that we don't eat them". Her youngest son would reply, "Yes, we'll eat it if it turns out like that", she laughed when she heard this. In a way, she was encouraging bullying and disrespect towards me. Logically, I refused to cook while I was at her house, I helped in everything but that.
She never seemed to understand that everyone has their own way of doing things, that the fact that I didn't cook like her didn't mean that I didn't know how to do it. For health reasons, I would tell her to cut down on salt and sugar, she would call me "unpalatable". Today she is hypertensive.
I don't know if her lack of money made her see life from a different perspective. She gave a lot of importance to money, more than to moral and emotional support, I am more inclined to that, to a friendly mom. I remember she said that at one of her son's parties someone gave her a good gift, "it wasn't just any toy, it was Fisher Price", a recognized brand and therefore somewhat expensive. I brought him a toy, it was not a brand name and when he saw it he looked at it in a contemptuous way. He didn't say anything, but with his eyes he did.
Because of his constant criticisms I always felt like I was in an evaluation in which I always failed. She had the habit of scolding me in front of others, leaving me in shame, as she did with her husband, nieces, nephews, etc.
She always emphasized the material things that were given to her, if someone gave her something she would say: "that only a true friend does". I understand that money can be very helpful and can solve many things, but I don't remember hearing her say that someone told her a few words of encouragement or supported her in a difficult situation. She always referred to what she was given as a gift. Sometimes when I would tell her something because I was feeling sad or had a problem, she would just say "don't stop" or "don't listen", when she really wanted to hear a word of encouragement, an advice.
She has some nephews who went to Peru and she criticized one of them because he did not pay her, but she praised the other niece because she paid him weekly. I told her "he has no obligation to you, in any case it is with his mother and she is there with him". That's why that nephew was bad and spoke of him with resentment.
I did not give him anything material and maybe that is why I am not a "good friend". I did not have a good salary at my job, she criticized me, she called me stingy, but then she contradicted herself, she told me to quit because I was underpaid. One day I told her "if you keep me, I'll quit". The funny thing is that she doesn't work, only her husband, how easy, she only receives the money to spend it, I had to distribute it to make it through the month.
When I would compare something she would throw in my face that she had bought something better. Or she would yell at me "you have the real thing", without knowing what sacrifice I had made to acquire it. If I didn't cooperate she would criticize me and if I did too, that trite phrase was never missing, "you have real".
Until one day I got tired and I walked away from her. She told me that I traveled and that if my salary allowed me to travel I could buy a house or pay rent. That was not so, I was indignant, because those trips were subsidized, they did not come out of my salary. I did not want to argue and I walked away.
Tolerance has a limit and mine is over. Each person is different and has their own way of doing things, but that does not mean that they are useless, as she labeled me. She had me in a concept that I didn't know how to do anything because I didn't do it her way. In friendships there are differences, because we think differently, our points of view are not the same, but that is why tolerance exists. Without it, it is impossible to bear those differences, to accept the other as he or she is. However, this does not mean that there are no limits and respect is lost. Therefore, if the situation becomes toxic, there is no point in being tolerant.
By money....
Money is one of the most common causes of broken friendships. Life taught me that and more so when it comes to family. A cousin asked me to borrow $30, she had a problem, I was happy to help her. One morning she wrote me asking me for that big favor, when I asked her for the date of payment she replied "as soon as possible". Her husband came to my house and I handed over the money.
"As soon as possible" turned into endless months. When 4 months had passed, I charged her, even though it was an interest-free loan. She told me "I am pending", but only that, no payment, the months passed and I did not see a fifth. She collected some money and forgot about me. Then I found out that her husband bought a car, then sold it and bought a better one, and I still didn't get paid. The debt was already a year old and there was no payment. When I went to their house, they looked at me as normal, as if the debt didn't exist.
I don't like to collect, but months went by and my cousin didn't give me any reason for my money, 10 months had already passed. She didn't have a phone, so I had to talk to her sister, I told her that the debt was long overdue.
One morning, my cousin wrote me from her sister's phone, she insulted me and told me that I had started talking bad about her everywhere and that was not true. That hurt me a lot, because I lent her the money to help her, without interest, the idea was not to make a profit, but to see her happy because I would fix her problem. A week after that altercation I went to her house and we talked. We made an agreement with the payment, "made peace" and apologized to each other. I thought everything would work out, but it didn't, it was all just words.
After that day of the supposed agreement, I went to visit her parents and she arrived with her husband, they did not greet me. Another day that I coincided with her husband, he did not greet me and when I addressed him (I did not talk about the payment), he did not answer me and ignored me. That's when I realized everything and I distanced myself from them to this day. Beyond not getting my money back, I was hurt by their attitude, how they treated me and how they mocked my trust. I cried a lot, I felt very sad and depressed for several months, fortunately I managed to overcome it.
That situation did not break me down, on the contrary, it made me stronger and more confident, it helped me not to keep silent about what I feel and to say what I think. I learned to "say no" even if it costs me and people say I am bad.
When I was depressed I came to think that "if I hadn't lent him the money, we would still be friends". Maybe we never were and that's why this happened. With time and after many tears I understood that it wasn't me who was to blame, it was them who failed. That those insults were used as a barrier to avoid paying, in fact, he never paid me. On top of everyone getting upset and the one who should be upset was me, what a disappointment.
This is how friendships are lost, because we fall into toxic situations, destructive criticism, derogatory comments and there are those who do not tolerate seeing you better than them. Lending money is tricky, people don't value your sacrifice and don't take responsibility for commitments. A friend to whom I told my bitter experience sent me an image that said "no matter how sad the story they tell you, don't lend money".
Friendship is wonderful, but only when it is true
Por 
¡Gracias por leer mi post!
Thanks for reading my post!