Oh, the drama... it's always about the drama
Drama. Such powerful and polemic word that gravitates towards us in such different ways.
Hey there, Hive friends. Hey there. I know I have been missing around here for quite some time, but jumping from city to city had me thinking over and over certain things. I will probably get back to sharing my experiences while travelling and everything, but right now it's not the proper time for me. A lot of things have been wandering in my mind, I have been inside my head for so long that it took me some time to get out of my mental prison.
I did start to consider the idea of moving abroad and leaving my country, Argentina, for once and for all. I did consider everything, from all the different ways in which my life would change, how my relationship with friends and family would mutate and I could go on for ages... and after giving it some thought and listening to myself with no judgement, I did take the decition: on October 17th, the day of my return flight to Argentina, I will not go back.
The decision feels amazing, I already feel happy about finding a new place to live, get to know new friends, give myself the opportunity to grow in a different environment. Everything feels frightening, but incredibly exciting at the same time. I only shared this with my sister and my very good friend, 
It was just an ordinary day, I had just arrived to Santander, Spain and all I could think of was about plans for the next week. As I was sharing them with my mum, giving her some details on what I expected to do and visit, she randomly asked:
But are you still considering to come back?
Where the hell did that come from!? Why did she come up with that out of the blue?! I did not know what to answer.
To give you some background about me and my mum, my family is quite small. My dad passed away almost ten years ago, my sister left Argentina in 2015 or 2016... and there it was. My mum and me. All the family that remained.
She doesn't like being alone and, although she has some really good and close friends, she did not give herself the chance to meet someone else and give love another try. She has always been really supportive and protective of me and my sister, but when it was just the two of us, everything was different. We're really close, don't get me wrong, but moving on with my life has always been a drama. Always.
I do love my mum, of course, but there comes a time in your life in which you have to think what you really want for yourself. And what I did want was freedom. Just as simple as that.
The process of telling her that I wanted to move from my home was a drama. The day I left home to move to my new apartment was a drama too, but even worse than ever. And what about when I told her that I was going abroad on a six month trip? She literally said to me: 'Oh, you're going to give me a stroke'. And it just feels so tiring from time to time to always be involved in some sort of internal fight between guilt and shame. Yup, you have read that just fine, I sometimes feel incredibly guilty and shameful due to the fact that my decisions are probably going to make my mum feel lonely and sad. What to do, then?
Back to today's not-so-exciting news, there I was, looking at my phone's screen, trying to figure out what to do. The truth was the only way out. I told her that I didn't feel like going back, that it was really hard to see Argentina's situation and how everyone's suffering so much. Of course, I didn't expect to tell her all this via whatsapp, but it just happened, I offered to make a videocall so that we could chat, but I never got a reply.
And there's some other sort of drama, the emotional blackmail. She did not reply any other of my texts after that, but she did talk with my sister. So what then? How am I supposed to cope with a dramatic parent, after all? How much more internal work am I supposed to do to avoid all this guilt and shame from eating me alive? I know she wants the best for me, but all this situations are so stressful. Terribly stressful.
I guess that's it for today, I really was feeling somehow block and uninspired to just sit and write. But today it was different, today it was more about escaping from myself than just being able to bring a nice and colourful post about how my trip is going.
