English
Edited by
on Giphy | Fuente de la imagen But what do you mean when you talk to me about a total defeat? Believe me, I can't understand it?
Hey, I almost shouted the doctor with joy, I'm glad you are interested.
Let me explain: when it comes to our emotions, the natural tendency of people is denial; the refusal to accept that we are sick with these emotions and, what is worse, that we are mentally ill. People in general, have the concept that a mentally ill person is a crazy person, which is not true as it sounds; but what they do not know, out of ignorance logically, is that the person who manages to accept that he or she has big or small difficulties to handle emotionally in a normal way, is saner than many, many men or women who believe that they do not have any mental problem or, if you want to say it in a more swish way, some small emotional maladjustment. These last words were said with such an elaborate sarcasm that it seemed to Raul that this doctor was a professional truly worthy of admiration. He continued: Raul, he who manages to recognize, accept and defeat his emotional illness, manages to go half of the way, the other half is nothing more than some exercises and tools of a psychological nature that I am going to teach you, slowly perhaps, in the first months, but as time goes by, they will give you the ways and methods through which, I repeat, you are going to recover.
Let's see, let's start:
RECOGNITION: this is very easy, just make a small inventory of what has been your life since you entered school; you could not, emotionally speak, relate properly with your classmates and with everything that meant this jump from what until then had been your security, your house, your home, to the school environment and the new people with whom you had to relate. It was an unknown, new world that was opening before you and you were not prepared. Schoolmates, teachers, a cafeteria, the hustle and bustle of arrival or departure time, having at your side, in all directions, girls and boys who, like you, were going to that school to take their first steps in formal education, away from home. No, that really was, for you, terrifying. Any other child would have assimilated it very quickly because of the natural need we human beings have to share with other human beings, to belong to the group; you did not feel that belonging, you were not prepared. So, this week you have an additional exercise: to remember what your life was like before school, how you felt, the things you thought about your home, about your parents and how that changed from the moment you knew you were going to school.
Let's stop here, I think that's enough for today. I am going to reduce your anxiety medication to 100 mg. every 12 hours and you are going to take 200 mg. of antidepressant. If you don't have any questions, we'll say goodbye until next week. Anyway, your parents know that if they or you need to call me first, I will be happy to take care of them.
Raul said goodbye still confused, he had entered a dazed state, he felt his shoulders drooping and so heavy that his walk was frighteningly slow, too slow, he thought. It was like a curse that created in him a very intense rage, which he did not show, no one noticed that rage because he was not able to express it. He accused himself for not knowing, or not understanding what had happened to him. At one moment he thought that this doctor was really going to help him, and at another moment he came to the conclusion that the psychiatrist had no idea what he was going through. He believed that he had not understood what he had just heard, this happened to him very often, at one moment he was able to assimilate the ideas that were proposed to him and at another moment he not only did not understand what he was being told, but he even forgot what he supposedly had already understood.
Confusion made him his prey and, in this way, he continued his gait, walking on after reaching the bus stop, crestfallen, with a storm not of ideas, but of incoherent words; thus, reflecting a state that, for him, was evidently madness. But why? What reason was there for him to be going through this? He wanted to get to his room as soon as possible, there he would lock himself in and, even if it was not his turn, he would take the pill that would make him sleep, run away; he did not want to keep thinking, he was looking for a way to turn off his mind and he only thought he could do it through the pill; he did not care what the doctor said, it was more important to chase away those demons that he felt were going to end up exploding his head.
Suddenly he saw himself in front of his house; it had been a long time since the last rays of sunlight were fading in the distance; he did not know how many hours he had walked, two, three? it did not matter, he felt that he should take the pill, or more than one? and lie down on the bed to embrace his loneliness in the natural folds of the sheets through which the smell of his sweat was flowing. She smelled of fear, she smelled of loneliness. He smelled of suffering, asking himself over and over again: why me, why me? And in that embrace he embraced himself as if in that way he could find an inner strength that would help him to get out of this condition.
After he took the pill and taking advantage of the fact that his mother was not at home, he let himself be carried away by a kind of abandonment of himself, of his body, and fell into a deep sleep.
Español
Edited by
on Giphy | Fuente de la imagen Pero, ¿a qué se refiere usted cuando me habla de una derrota total? ¿Créame que no logro entenderlo?
Oye, casi que grito el medico de contento, me alegra tu interés.
Te explico: cuando se trata de nuestras emociones, la tendencia natural de las personas es la negación; la negación a aceptar que estamos enfermos de estas emociones y, lo que es peor, que somos enfermos mentales. La gente en general, tiene el concepto de que un enfermo mental es un loco, lo cual no es cierto tal como suena; pero lo que no saben, por ignorancia lógicamente, es que aquella persona que logra aceptar que tiene dificultades grandes o pequeñas para manejarse emocionalmente de una manera normal, está más cuerdo que muchísimos hombres o mujeres que creen que no tienen ningún problema mental o, si se quiere decir de una manera más sueva, algún pequeño desajuste emocional. Estas últimas palabras las dijo con un sarcasmo tan elaborado que a Raúl le pareció que este doctor era un profesional realmente digno de admirar. Continuó: Raúl, el que logra reconocer, aceptar, y derrotarse ante su enfermedad emocional, logra recorrer la mitad del camino, la otra mitad no es más que algunos ejercicios y herramientas de carácter sicológico que yo te voy a enseñar, de forma lenta quizás, en los primeros meses, pero que con el correr del tiempo te van a dar los modos y métodos a través de los cuales, repito, te vas a recuperar.
A ver, empecemos:
EL RECONOCIMIENTO: esto es muy fácil, basta que hagas un pequeño inventario de lo que ha sido tu vida desde que ingresaste al colegio; no pudiste, emocionalmente hablando, relacionarte adecuadamente con tus compañeros de clase y con todo aquello que significo este salto de lo que hasta ese momento había sido tu seguridad, tu casa, tu hogar, al ambiente de la escuela y las nuevas personas con las que tenías que relacionarte. Era un mundo desconocido, nuevo, que se abría ante ti y no estabas preparado. Compañeros del colegio, Maestros, una cafetería, el bullicio de la hora de entrada o de salida, el tener a tu lado, en todas direcciones, niñas y niños que como tu iban esa escuela a dar sus primeros pasos en la educación formal, fuera de casa. No, eso realmente fue, para ti, aterrador. Cualquier otro niño lo habría asimilado muy rápidamente por la necesidad natural que tenemos los seres humanos de compartir con otros seres humanos, de pertenecer al grupo; tu no sentiste esa pertenencia, no estabas preparado. Así que en esta semana tienes un ejercicio adicional: el recordar cómo era tu vida antes del colegio, como te sentías, las cosas que pensabas de tu casa, de tus padres y como eso cambio desde el momento que supiste que ibas a ir al colegio.
Dejemos lo hasta aquí, creo que por hoy es suficiente. Te voy a reducir la medicación para la ansiedad hasta 100 mg cada 12 horas y te vas a tomar 200 mg. del antidepresivo. Si no tienes alguna pregunta nos despedimos hasta la próxima semana. Igual tus padres saben que si ellos o tu requieren llamarme antes, con gusto los atenderé.
Raúl se despidió todavía confundido, había entrado en un estado de aturdimiento, sentía que sus hombros le caían y estaban tan pesados que su caminar era aterradoramente lento, demasiado lento, pensaba. Era como una maldición que le creaba una rabia muy intensa, la cual no demostraba, nadie notaba esa rabia porque no era capaz de expresarla. Se acusaba a si mismo por no saber, o no entender lo que le había sucedido. En un momento pensaba que este doctor realmente lo iba ayudar, y en otro llegaba a la conclusión de que el psiquiatra no tenía ni idea de lo que él estaba pasando. creía que no había entendido lo que acababa de escuchar, esto le pasaba con mucha frecuencia, de momento era capaz de asimilar las ideas que le proponían y en otro momento no solo no entendía lo que le platicaban, sino que, incluso, se le olvidaba lo que supuestamente ya había comprendido.
La confusión lo convertía en su presa y de esa manera continuo su andar, siguiendo de largo después de llegar a la parada del bus, cabizbajo, con una tormenta no de ideas, de palabras incoherentes; así se reflejaba un estado que, para él, era evidentemente una locura. Pero ¿por qué? ¿Qué razón había para que el estuviera pasando por esto? Deseaba llegar lo más pronto posible a su cuarto, allí se encerraría y, aunque no le tocara, se tomaría la pastilla que lo haría dormir, huir; no quería seguir pensando, estaba buscando la manera de apagar su mente y solo creía poder hacerlo a través de la pastilla; no le importaba lo que dijera el médico, era más importante ahuyentar esos demonios que sentía iban a terminar por hacerle estallar la cabeza.
De pronto se vio frente a su casa; había transcurrido largo tiempo ya que en la lejanía se iban perdiendo los últimos rayos de sol; no sabía cuántas horas había caminado, ¿dos, tres?; no importaba, sentía que debía tomarse la pastilla ¿o más de una?, y tenderse en la cama para abrazar su soledad en los pliegues naturales de unas sabanas por las cuales corría el olor de su sudor. Olía a miedo, olía a soledad. Olía a sufrimiento preguntándose una y otra vez: ¿porque yo?, ¿porque yo? Y en ese abrazar se abrazaba a sí mismo como si de esa manera lograra encontrar una fuerza interior que lo ayudara a salir de esta condición.
Después de que se tomó la pastilla y aprovechando que su madre no estaba en casa, se dejó llevar por una especie de abandono de sí mismo, de su cuerpo, y cayó en un profundo sueño.