What they don't tell you about bereavement | Time stands still
Spanish
Han pasado ya muchos años desde aquel día en el que el tiempo quedó congelado o ¿fui yo quien quedó congelada? Como atrapada en las profundidades de un mar en el que llueve eternamente y se ve todo casi negro; con leves matices grisáceos de vez en cuando, con un sol apagado y menos brillante, saliendo a lo lejos en un lugar equivocado del cielo. Con los pensamientos perdidos y el alma en otro lado. Desde aquel día me convertí en parte de los muertos vivientes.
English
Many years have passed since that day when time was frozen, or was it me who was frozen? As if trapped in the depths of a sea where it rains eternally and everything looks almost black; with slight greyish shades from time to time, with a dull and less bright sun, rising in the distance in the wrong place in the sky. With thoughts lost and the soul elsewhere. Since that day I became part of the living dead.
People think that a death is overcome, but it is not. You just learn to live without that person and with the trauma.
Con el alma rota continué mi vida sin ti, fui creciendo añorando que todo fuera una mentira, un mal sueño, una pesadilla cruel elaborada por mi mente. Sin darme cuenta me quedé contigo ese día, como si yo también hubiese muerto. Como algo que se dañó y no volvió a funcionar de la misma manera. También tuve que madurar de golpe y entender demasiadas cosas a la vez en un río de confusión, dolor, injusticia y una nube de oscuridad.
Yo arrastraba más cosas desde antes, ya había lidiado con el dolor y apenas podía conmigo misma, con mis emociones desbordadas y mi incapacidad para canalizarlas de manera sana. En la infancia me costaba mucho expresar, pero, aunque no lo hiciera, sí sentía y bastante... más que el resto de las personas, solo que a mí me sobrepasaban, como un vaso en el que no dejas de servir agua y se derrama por todos lados.
With a broken soul I continued my life without you, I grew up longing that everything was a lie, a bad dream, a cruel nightmare elaborated by my mind. Without realizing it I stayed with you that day, as if I had died too. Like something that was damaged and never worked the same way again. I also had to mature all at once and understand too many things at once in a river of confusion, pain, injustice and a cloud of darkness.
I had already dealt with pain and I could hardly deal with myself, with my overflowing emotions and my inability to channel them in a healthy way. In childhood I had a hard time expressing myself, but even if I didn't, I did feel and I felt a lot, more than the rest of the people, only that I was overwhelmed, like a glass in which you keep pouring water and it spills all over the place.
Every time someone asks me if I have siblings, I still get detonated and feel like I'm being shot through with a bullet. If I say I am an only child, I am lying and disrespecting your memory. If I tell the truth, reckless comments and more misplaced questions arise that I don't want to answer.
Cuando acabaron con tu vida, mi sistema se anestesió y no volví a sentir nada. En mi casa me decían que mi “frialdad” les asombraba, que siempre había sido así, pero que no entendían cómo lo lograba. Me lo celebraban y reprochaban a la vez, pensaban que no me dolía nada y que era como una roca dura y helada. Porque según mucha gente el dolor solo es llanto, gritos, ruido, romper cosas, hablar… hablar bastante y desahogarse de manera “normal”.
When they ended your life, my system was anesthetized and I never felt anything again. At home they told me that my "coldness" amazed them, that I had always been like that, but they didn't understand how I managed it. They celebrated and reproached me at the same time, they thought that I didn't hurt at all and that I was like a hard, frozen rock. Because according to many people pain is just crying, screaming, noise, breaking things, talking... talking a lot and letting off steam in a "normal" way.
But the reality is that crying and screaming do not define the intensity of pain. You can't judge someone just because they don't express grief the way you do.
Por muchos años pensé que eso estaba bien, quedar anestesiada y vivir como dando vueltas eternamente en una montaña rusa de la que no sabes cómo bajar. Pensaba que tu muerte me había servido para madurar y controlar ese mar interno de olas turbulentas. Pasé de sentir en exceso a no sentir nada de golpe. Pero la verdad es que esa turbulencia solo quedó dormida un tiempo, a veces comenzaba a asomarse y las olas volvían a lamer mis heridas no cicatrizadas.
For many years I thought that this was fine, to be anesthetized and live like going around forever on a roller coaster from which you don't know how to get off. I thought that your death had helped me to mature and control that internal sea of turbulent waves. I went from feeling too much to feeling nothing all at once. But the truth is that this turbulence was only dormant for a while, sometimes it started to show up and the waves came back to lick my unhealed wounds.
Then, the pain burned me, consumed me and lacerate me again with the same force of the beginning.
Leí mucho, muchísimo. La escritura siempre había sido mi desahogo, pero los libros fueron mi refugio. Con ellos evadía y evitaba a la vez, con ellos me sumergía en mundos paralelos, personajes ficticios llenos de magia, historias increíbles y realidades escritas por más personas que, muy probablemente, usaron su pluma como consuelo para no morirse en vida como yo. Para escapar un rato de un mundo lleno de violencia y escaso de empatía.
Tú y yo éramos dos polos opuestos. Siempre creí que eras el que estaba más preparado para afrontar este mundo, sabías relacionarte con soltura y todo se te hacía más fácil, pensaba: qué bueno que él no es como yo, fluye más tranquilo hacia afuera, mientras que yo me atoro con mi extrema introversión sin querer fluir con el mundo. Fuiste un gran hijo, un gran hermano y amigo, lástima que esas amistades no te correspondieron, al final, no eran tan amigos tuyos como pensabas. Pero supongo que de eso te habrás dado cuenta después.
Tus victimarios fueron muchos. No solo quien fue la autora material. No solo el perpetrador. La familia de quien fue tu pareja (asesina) usó sus influencias con el gobierno, contactos y dinero para sepultar también tu justicia. Hubo testigos de sobra que guardaron silencio, presas del miedo y comprados con más dinero. Trataron de difamarte con calumnias, falsos testimonios y mentiras para responsabilizarte de tu propia muerte.
I read a lot, a lot. Writing had always been my outlet, but books were my refuge. With them I evaded and avoided at the same time, with them I immersed myself in parallel worlds, fictional characters full of magic, incredible stories and realities written by other people who, most probably, used their pen as a consolation not to die in life like me. To escape for a while from a world full of violence and scarce of empathy.
You and I were two polar opposites. I always thought you were the one who was more prepared to face this world, you knew how to relate with ease and everything was easier for you, I thought: good thing he is not like me, he flows more calmly outwards, while I get stuck with my extreme introversion without wanting to flow with the world. You were a great son, a great brother and friend, too bad those friendships were not reciprocated, in the end, they were not as good friends as you thought. But I guess you will have realized that later.
Your victimizers were many. Not only who was the material perpetrator. The family of your ex girlfriend (murderer) used their influence with the government, contacts and money to bury your justice as well. There were plenty of witnesses who kept silent, prey to fear and bought with more money. They tried to defame you with slander, false testimonies and lies to make you responsible for your own death.
You ended the relationship, but she refused to leave you alone. Her obsession was immense.
Entre famosos, influencers y medio artístico venezolano, se mueven dos familiares cercanos de esta persona. He dejado de ver algunas cosas porque no soportaba encontrármelas en redes sociales a través de otros que yo seguía y admiraba.
Par de personajes ficticios, ridículos, tragicómicos y vacíos.
Among celebrities, influencers and venezuelan artistic circles, two close relatives of this person move. I have stopped watching some things because I could not stand to find them on social networks through others that I followed and admired.
Pair of fictitious, ridiculous, tragicomic and empty characters.
Desde mi habitación escuchaba cómo creabas música. No quedaron casi registros de lo que hacías, apenas conservo algo que solo he podido oír dos veces en todo este tiempo porque luego me detona el recuerdo y se me nubla el pecho. Me emocionaba escuchar el sonido que emergía de las cornetas, me indicaba lo bien encaminado que ibas como DJ. Cuando te fuiste, solo hubo silencio y todo quedó vacío, ya no se estremecían la habitación ni los vidrios, todo se sintió frío.
Me pregunto qué estarías haciendo ahora y me impacta todo lo que te has perdido. No te veré envejecer. Te quedaste congelado sin cumplir más años, a pesar de que cada septiembre recuerdo tu día. Pero, ¿a quién felicito? Ya no está el protagonista de ese día. Lo único que hago es recordarte y mirar el cielo, las nubes, el sol, los árboles y sentir el viento en mi cara. Imagino que estás en todo eso que observo. Y también me pregunto cómo será ese lugar al que te fuiste antes de tiempo. ¿Será tan maravilloso y lleno de paz como algunos dicen?
From my room I listened to you creating music. There were almost no records left of what you did, I only keep something that I have only been able to hear twice in all this time because then the memory detonates and my chest gets cloudy. I was excited to hear the sound that emerged from the horns, it told me how well you were doing as a DJ. When you left, there was only silence and everything was empty, neither the room nor the glass was shaking, everything felt cold.
I wonder what you would be doing now and I am shocked at all you have missed. I won't see you grow old. You froze without turning any more years, even though every september I remember your day. But who do I congratulate? Gone is the protagonist of that day. All I do is remember you and look at the sky, the clouds, the sun, the trees and feel the wind on my face. I imagine that you are in all that I observe. And I also wonder what that place you went to before your time will be like, will it be as wonderful and full of peace as some say?
Compartíamos el gusto por Eminem. Su lírica honesta, directa y ácida. Esta canción en particular me ayudó mucho.
We shared a taste for Eminem. His honest, direct and acid lyrics. This particular song helped me a lot.
El juicio se hace presente en los duelos, la depresión, las muertes y todo lo que la sociedad común considera “negativo”, como un sucio que hay que esconder bajo la alfombra. Te aíslan y te tratan como si tuvieras una enfermedad contagiosa. Si no lo viven, no lo entienden ni desean empatizar. Son temas evitados a toda costa en cualquier conversación con el señalamiento y la censura implícita de quien solo quiere oír hablar de cosas “felices” porque si no trae “mala vibra” y “cambiemos de tema”.
Hasta aquí el post de hoy. Lamento si es un tema pesado, durante muchos años me guardé todo lo que sentía y aprendí a no hablar de lo ocurrido como si se tratara de un tabú, precisamente, por todo el prejuicio y los comentarios poco favorables de algunos. Hubo muchos detalles que omití para proteger la privacidad y seguridad de mi familia, así como también la memoria de mi hermano.
Mientras más se converse sobre estos temas, más se rompe esa cadena de silencio. Es justo y necesario dejar de juzgar los duelos y las circunstancias de una muerte, sea una enfermedad, un accidente, un feminicidio, un suicidio o un asesinato.
Judgment is present in bereavement, depression, deaths and everything that common society considers "negative", like dirt to be swept under the rug. They isolate you and treat you as if you have a contagious disease. If you don't live it, you don't understand it and don't want to empathize. They are topics avoided at all costs in any conversation with the implicit pointing and censorship of those who only want to hear about "happy" things because otherwise it brings "bad vibes" and "let's change the subject".
So much for today's post. I am sorry if it is a heavy topic, for many years I kept everything I felt and I learned not to talk about what happened as if it were a taboo, precisely, because of all the prejudice and unfavorable comments of some. There were many details that I left out to protect my family's privacy and safety, as well as my brother's memory.
The more we talk about these issues, the more we break the chain of silence. It is fair and necessary to stop judging the mourning and circumstances of a death, whether it is an illness, an accident, a femicide, a suicide or a murder.
There are so many things I would like to tell you. So many things I would like to know your opinion on. I would have wished not to let you go that day and hug you more.
Fuentes
Las fotos de la imagen de portada y la del final son de mi álbum familiar. Todos los diseños fueron realizados en Canva y el separador es de @ikasumanera.
Sources
The photos on the cover image and the one at the end are from my family album. All the designs were made in Canva and the divider is from @ikasumanera.
My instagram account:
@artevezo
Thanks for reading! ⭐
Vote la-colmena for witness
By @ylich
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