Could you stop scrolling?🥹 I’m about to be vulnerable and share what has been on my mind. This topic couldn’t have come at a better time.
We all have that one thing about ourselves that we wish were a little different- be it a physical feature or a character trait. We try hard to embrace it, but, there’ll always be that part we wish we could tweak.
While others might choose to focus on the negative side of it when blogging, I beg to differ.
Have you ever wished to change a good character trait. you have and value? It sounds odd right? Everyone’s trying to change to good, and here you are wanting to do the opposite. Well, that’s how I feel right now. 
Friendship is something I deeply value, and I’ve always considered my friends to be a big part of my life. I do not call everybody I associate with a “friend”. I let people know that not everyone is supposed to be your friend just because you vibe well. If you’re my classmate, colleague, church member, etc., I’ll address you as such. My friends are only a handful as I take time when choosing them because not everybody is supposed to see or know my vulnerabilities. The way I value and uphold them and their values, I believed they would do the same. Or so I had thought.
Although friends aren’t family, I’d do almost anything for them even when it feels like I get little or nothing in return. I go out of my way for them, both in my actions, lifestyle, words, values, even when it’s incredibly inconvenient for me. Their happiness is my happiness. I know this trait can be seen as a positive one- after all, who wouldn’t want a loyal friend? I sometimes wonder if that’s where I go wrong. Maybe in trying to be the “come through” friend, I allowed them take advantage of my loyalty.
What’s worse is that they always come back either pretending like nothing happened or apologizing and expecting things to return to normal immediately. Instances where I try to address the issue, it’s always, “na wa ooo, you no Dey let something go”. And we just have to go back to the beginning.
No one is perfect, they say, but shouldn’t our imperfections complement each other?
For instance, there was once a time when someone falsely accused a friend and me. I kept on using the pronouns “we” and “us” to speak in our defense, only to hear my friend say, “I can only speak for myself”. That cut deep. Another time, a friend asked someone to rape me because she felt I was “forming”, (thankfully, it didn’t go as they had planned). I also remember getting teased for wearing “bathroom slippers” in public, while the one I swapped mine with did nothing to defend me. I didn’t expect her to announce we swapped slippers; I just wanted her to support me in that moment. Many memories.
I’ve realized over time that this part of me has influenced how I approach certain situations. It has made me second-guess myself in moments where I should feel confident. I’m not saying they haven’t done things for me or that they’re bad people. They are good in their own way - after all, that’s why we became friends. I just feel I haven’t made it onto their priority list the way they have made it onto mine.
This is one aspect I’m still working on-drawing the line. I’ve come to understand that while it’s okay to want to make people happy, it’s just as important to prioritize my happiness too. As much as I want to put myself first, I struggle because I don’t want to lose the people I care about. I don’t have it all figured out, but over the years, I’ve learned to be secretive about myself. Let them know only what they can’t use against you (even then, humans build things up, but who cares). I’m also learning to say “no” (baby steps, they say). 
Maybe one day, I’ll find that balance. Until then, I’m realizing that I deserve more than I’ve been given. I’m learning to recognize my worth, and if others don’t see it, then, they just have to go.
So, if you asked me, “If there was one aspect of yourself you could change or wish was a little different, whether physical feature or character trait, what would it be and why?” my answer would be my loyalty. Not because loyalty is a bad trait but because I’m tired of the continuous cycle of hurt that it brings me. But then, that’s not a trait I intend passing on to my unborn children.
I apologize for being in my feelings right now-I just needed to let out. I’m only human after all.
This is my entry for this week’s Hivenaija weekly prompt.