𝗠𝗬 𝗦𝗨𝗜𝗖𝗜𝗗𝗘 𝗘𝗫𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗜𝗘𝗡𝗖𝗘 𝗧𝗛𝗔𝗧 𝗖𝗛𝗔𝗡𝗚𝗘𝗗 𝗠𝗬 𝗕𝗘𝗟𝗜𝗘𝗙

I will never believe I would be the one saying suicide victims are not to be blamed. They were already walking dead. I remember those days when I used to get pissed off hearing news of a suicide death. I thought it was so foolish of them to do so. Why would they do that?

Alas, everyone is a motivational speaker until they experience it. That was my case.

My depression phase started during my secondary school days while in S.S.S. 2. As one of the best students in my school at that time, a lot was expected from me. I felt so pressured (I so much hate that feeling). I really didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially my family.

I went for a competition one beautiful day (was it beautiful sef? It was the start of my ugly days). At the end of the competition, I didn't do well, hence I didn’t qualify for the next stage. But unfortunately for me, a colleague, who the school didn’t really think would do better than me, qualified for the next stage.

Oh gawd... Of course, I was happy for him (he was even a friend, still is), but the school management began to mount pressure on me. Various teachers kept telling me to see them. Some said I was just reading to pass in school, while others said I had relaxed and wasn’t reading anymore.

The principal saw me with a friend and called me to ask how well she does in school. Then he said I should be careful about the friends I move with. I was just choked with different gossips from students, teachers, and even my so-called friends. I felt like a criminal.

My family didn’t really say much; they always encouraged me and didn’t even complain. But I still felt I had let everyone down. Going to school became a nightmare. Every night was filled with thoughts and dreams about death. It felt like the whole world had rejected me. At some point, I thought God didn’t exist (He was actually working something out all along).

I felt so burdened and decided to talk to a friend, but it only made things worse. I started writing poems in a notebook on depression and death. My colleagues read the book, but none understood the message I was passing across. My family was oblivious too. They felt it wasn’t a serious matter. I was all alone.

I was depressed—a walking dead. Nothing was interesting any longer. My hobbies became boring.

I tried to be strong and continued pushing, but I was crushed again. It was the selection of prefects, and I wasn’t given the position I ought to be given. A new rule was introduced during my time. I also heard there was another reason (you don’t want to know the reason... my name!). Some teachers found it hard to believe that "Debbie" was written on my birth certificate (funny, right?).

Anyway, I still pushed through the failures and burdens. I almost changed schools, but it was my last year already, so I decided to cope. A lot happened during my last year too, but I’m glad I didn’t jump from a three-storey building. I’m glad I didn’t attempt to pierce my stomach with a sharp knife just to feel more pain. I’m glad God saved me.

Now, I can look back and laugh. I’m glad I didn’t give up. I realized that failure is just a push to break records of success. I also realized that people’s opinions don’t really matter—my happiness does (as long as I’m doing the right thing).

I can’t write all about my journey as a suicide survivor here (this post isn’t about it, but I’ll write it one day, and I pray it sets people who are depressed free).

Sometime last year, my mom told me news about a young lady working in a bank who committed suicide just because she didn’t meet up to a goal. I wanted to start the normal blaming, but I kept quiet because I had been there but survived. I understand that what she did was totally wrong, but she was already crushed by the weight of failure, and no one was there to help lift the weight.

Maybe she spoke out, maybe she didn’t, but who would have thought that just a little failure could cause suicide? I’ll say we rather not judge. Depression is real and can kill. We should be observant of our loved ones and friends and also be trusted people they can always reach out to.

I don’t blame suicide victims, but I do blame the toxic nature of some members of society (words can push one to suicide).

My depression phase taught me this: there is only one option, and it’s to LOOK UP TO GOD. Suicide was NEVER and will NEVER be an option!

Thanks so much for reading. 💕

𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐄.