The last time I was really betrayed by my dad was when I was 16 years old and we had a big quarrel. This started when I discovered that he had been reading through my personal diaries and messages, in secret. I was felt so angry and insulted that he had intruded into my personal space in such a sneaky manner.
Because of how I was furious, I immediately challenged him to explain himself and apologise for his behaviour. However, instead of saying sorry and admitting that he was wrong and crossed the boundaries, my father proceeded to justify why he did so.
He stated that he only cares for me and he has every right to be worried about my activities because he is my father.
I told him that his actions were rude to me and I did not understand why he could not still say sorry for whatever wrong he did. This made it seem like he did not actually care and underestimated how his actions impacted our relationship.
My father was a person with whom I could readily speak to or discuss anything, but this action of his could not make me trust him that much.
Over the years, I expected my father would change his mind and understand the consequences of his actions. I thought, “Now he understands what I went through and will surely apologize to me.” However, he never said sorry.
It was somewhat hard to accept that my own father who is supposed to be the best person for a male role model such as him cannot take responsibility for his actions and say he is sorry. It made me really upset because instead of him admitting that there was something wrong somewhere with what he did, and asking for forgiveness, he just started defending himself against my accusations.
My attempts at reconciling with my father and expressing hurt he put me through were futile because he stayed as stubborn as ever. Then, this was when I realized that I would never get the apology I craved for and our friendship will never remain the same.
It is now many years since then and I have been trying to find ways of forgiving myself for feeling the pain and sense of betrayal that resulted from my father’s behavior. In an attempt to excuse him, (I even considered this aspect in terms of his faults), but it was really hard for me to forget about apologies which he hadn’t given.
It took me a long time to accept the hard truth that my father might never say sorry to me. But therapy and looking inside myself helped me find peace and heal my emotions. I learned I don't need his approval or regret to feel good about myself and my feelings.
So even though I still wish for that apology I never got, I've made peace with the fact that some hurts never go away. I now see that my father is just stubborn and won't say sorry, but that doesn't make me less valuable or unworthy of an apology. This experience has made me better at handling letdowns and broken trust.