If there’s something that never goes away then its the pain of losing someone dear to you, be it a parent or siblings or even close friends, that kind of pain never goes away, although we can’t always talk about the dead because its a very tough decision to make to accept the fact that, that person is no more, like that person can’t be seen in this lifetime again till only God knows when, I have lost a quite number of relationships, business opportunities and friends and I have also let go and forgotten them but when I lost my dad in year 2020, then I knew that some kind of pains never go away, this type of pain is just been bottled and locked up somewhere in your heart and mind.
When I lost my dad I didn’t know how to feel and act, death is not something that is sometimes expected but his was so sudden, like I know for sure he wasn’t sick at the moment, he had previously gone for a heart surgery and he came back perfectly fine, and yes if he wanted to die why didn’t he die during surgery?? He was alone in south africa with no family member because his work company flew him over there to get it done, he was really healthy the last time I saw him, and yes it has been like almost a year after the surgery, he went for check and he was perfect, what really transpired again? I had those questions running through my mind because he was brought in dead by his second wife!
It was really a tough time for my family and I, one night someone called my elder brother and told him that they should come sign some documents in the hospital so that my fathers body can be taken in the morgue, I got the news that he had passed on, I can remember crying my eyes out non stop. The next day we went to the family house where my mum and sisters was, there’s was alot of people, and people kept on telling us the children that we should hold ourselves and try not to cry in front of our mother, for a moment I tried to that but immediately I saw my mum I couldn’t even control the tears any longer, it kept rushing down my cheeks, my mum knew how much my dad loved my younger sister and I, she immediately held us continued crying.
After somedays, the only thing I could say to myself was that “he’s not coming back” no matter how much tears we share this how it ends, I can’t really say that I healed but I just found a way to move on, I just let myself to feel whatever I wanted to feel at the moment, grieving is normal when we loose something or someone dear to us, when I feel like crying, trust me I do cry and after doing that I really feel relieved.
And sometimes at home, we talk about him and remember the funny things he used to say and do, and we burst into laughter, I remember how he used to call me his wife and how my younger sister and I would always stand at the door to collect money from him whenever he wanted to go out.
I find little ways to remember him, just like last week I wore his jersey and I could just feel his presence with me, and other times I just keep going forward, I know there’s no moving on from this cause life wouldn’t be this same again, So I just accept the fact that this is reality.
(All photos were Ai imagined)
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