Growing up, there are certain things in life I have reconsidered. Belief has shifted, habits have changed in addition to learning and unlearning. But one thing that no one has ever managed to push me to do and would likely never will is to take drugs.
Now let me be clear before I go on: this isn't any holier-than-Thursday announcement. I know, down in my chest, that everyone's experience is different. Some people have had it really bad in their lives, in their history: loss, failure, heartbreak, abandonment, depression, curveballs have been thrown at them. Sometimes, this kind of pain has the capacity to cause people to be dependent on anything that would grant that temporary relief. And some people's coping mechanism is pills.
I understand. I truly do. I've experienced some of those feelings. I've been in rooms where the quiet was too loud, times in my life where I wished I could temporarily turn my brain off , and times in my life where nothing was okay. I've lost people I didn't think I would ever lose. I've borne burdens I never imagined I would ever have to bear. So I don't claim to be a person who doesn't suffer, I'm a person who has just decided to deal with it in a different way.
My opposition to drugs is not ethically superior. It was started some years back in high school. I remember this one day during one of our school outdoor assemblies where all students gather in the morning(we usually call it assembly time) during which we had a teacher that spoke on drug abuse. She presented to us stories that weren't abstract or hearsay but real-life point-blank stories of gifted young people who had had their lives wrecked because of one bad decision.
It struck differently.
The idea that something so small could have so much control over a person frightened me. Even then, I liked being conscious of what I said and did. I love knowing that anything I said or did was actually me. The thought of losing that awareness to something else, to a drug, bothered me.
And then I saw it happen in front of my eyes. A few of my friends whom it wasn't in their nature to engage in these acts. It starts innocently from one drag or a sip or from one "Guy, you go like am. try am!" instance. For some it was on a casual basis.
Some struggled with depression that they were not even able to describe. Some simply wanted to fit in. A few were looking to break away from things even they did not fully understand. For some, curiosity was motivation enough to draw them in.
And I never judged them. I don't even judge them to this day. We are all battling something we can't even sense, and sometimes they do what we think is relief even though it's temporary. But even if I understood it, I knew it wasn't my thing.
What has helped to keep me sober isn't really fear of the unknown, it's being aware of my own needs. I like getting to know myself. I like being aware of where my thoughts are going, the reasons I'm feeling what I'm feeling, and what I do with them. I have a belief that Drugs would take all of that away from me. And that's something cruel I know I wont do to myself.
But let me say this to you: there are better way to cope with arising issues. Healthier ways
First is Human Resource. I've discovered that people do make a difference, a big one. When you're around people who listen to you, who let you be vulnerable and are not judgmental about it, the self weight that you carry gets a little lighter. I've come to depend on it during challenging times.
Counseling or simple talks even introduced me to myself. I don't know if I am weird and only I do it but I sometimes stand in the mirror and speak to myself, LOL. And since I couldn't afford professional therapy, I depended on journaling, keeping my thoughts in writing in an effort to decipher the confusion in my mind.
And then there's faith, if people are comforted by it. I've had some situations in which I was in no state to speak to anyone else but praying, staying quiet, or even enjoying something inspirational helped calm the stormy feeling in my mind.
Sometimes it is just a question of something to channel the pain into. Whether its into creative expression, music, sports, volunteering, or even just silent walking. I remember my early years in UNILAG, I usually walk around campus with music in my ears. It will not fix the problem in certain instances, although it sometimes serves as an outlet for the pain.
I'm far from being a saint. I have my own problems and demons. But this one thing, this one line, I've drawn for myself: I won't let a substance have the power to control me, even if if its temporary. No matter how bad it gets. No matter who is doing it. That's not strength, it's simply a personal boundary I've had to maintain in order to feel safe with myself.
To whoever is struggling or in an attempt to abstain: I see you. I respect your struggle. You are not weak. You are not hopeless. You are human. And you deserve to heal. Let's continue to discover new means to bear our suffering.
My submission for this weeks prompt: đź“ť What is that thing that no one can pressure you into doing, saying or believing no matter what happens or who else is saying/doing it?