Most times when I wake up, I do feel as if its on my chest the whole world is resting on, the weight of unfulfilled dreams, broken promises and various missed opportunities. Sincerely, most times when I feel like giving up, its not the big things that are the cause, it's the little things, something as simple as...wait for next time, something like....sorry you're not selected and all.
Sometimes its because of the hard work that does not bears fruit, other times its due to my fasting and prayers that has no result. I work hard, pray hard and still feel stucked. In moments like that, the thought to just quit feels louder than everything else. But somehow, somehow, I keep going.
And, why do I keep going? I keep going because of those small faces that believe in me, because of those eyes that still looks up to me, I keep going because of those hearts that believe I am there safe space, I keep going because of those I stand for, because of those I had told to be strong, I keep going because of those I have to be strong for, I keep going because deep down, even when my faith shakes, there's still a tiny flame in me that refuses to die, I keep going because of that calm yet stubborn voice that kept whispering...you didn’t come this far to only come this far.
I think of the streets I grew up on, I think of what I have been through, I think of those times I cried, I think of those times I had to cry, I think about the good and bad memories, I think about days I would be out with my neighbors, till late in the night, gisting and telimg stories, I think of those times I sit alone outside, just me and my phone with my bluetooth speaker, I think of how back then we often find joy in simple things. And somehow, that memory pulls me back whenever I feel like letting go. It reminds me that if I could find reasons to laugh and merry back then, then, I can find reasons to stay strong now.
Also, another thing that keeps me going is hunger, not just being hungry for success, but that to make a meaning out of my life. I fear waking up 75 years of age only to look back and realize I never gave myself a fighting chance, that fear grips me. It tells me that no matter how slow my journey seems, no matter how it seems to be crawling, quitting is never an option. I really want to win, not necessarily to be at the top, to be the first but to at least not stay down.
Well, if you are a Nigerian, life itself will teach you, the situation, economy, circumstances and all will teach you how to keep moving. This country shows you every day how to survive when all odds are against you. It teaches you resilience by force, it teaches to laugh even when your pocket is crying, it teaches to stand tall even when all seems to be crumbling, it teaches to keep moving even when circumstances says otherwise. We keep hoping each day, hope is not something you should lose, you carry it about, everyday, both on good and bad days, especially on bad days.
There are times when all srems to fail, I motivate others, but there are times that no words seems to help me, nothing seems to make sense even to me, at that time, I look back at all the times I thought I couldn’t go on and yet, I did, I looked back at days when even I had lost hope and was barely hanging on and yet, I survived. I have survived heartbreaks, I have survived seasons of drought when my prayers felt like they were hitting a rock, I have survived betrayals that nearly broke my trust in humanity. I have survived life threatening situations, and then I thought, If I could survive all those, then maybe, I can survive today too.
I don't always wake up feeling motivated, there are days I don't feel like doing anything, there are days I feel so down and would just drag myself out of bed, there are days that I cry, there I days I just stay indoors, some days I just stay silent, there are times I won't just be myself, but each day, I choose to keep moving.
I can't afford to give up, I hadn't come this far to come this far, there are still dreams wawaiting for fulfillment, who will fulfill them if I should give up. I still aim for the top, I still want to make a difference in my world, so a luxury as giving up is something I can't afford. Because deep inside me, even when I doubt it, greatness is still waiting. And that's enough reason to keep going.
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All pictures are mine, the third picture is a screenshot of my WhatsApp status.