I had received lots of gifts while still in school, for mostly coming out as third, more like that was a position fixed for me, I was most times third, smiles...But for the very first time I stood on a stage to not just receive a gift, but an award at that, though it was a departmental thing, but still...it felt somehow, everyone stood to give me a resounding applause.
But inside of me, a battle was going on, I felt they had call the wrong name, not as if I was doing bad academically, but I feel am not the only one, but well, I laughed and collected the plaque, while receiving it and taking pictures, I was still bothered, what if it was later announced that I ain't deserving of this, or that someone else actually deserve it.
Like I said earlier, I wasn't doing bad academically, and that thing often comes to me...that am not as smart and intelligent as people thought I am, t but why that whispering voice, I get good grades, I help tutor others, people see me as a go-to person for clarification on certain courses and all, but yet this silent voice inside of me won't stop whispering you are not smart.
I really feared being exposed someday, I don't know why too, not as if I was a cheat or a fraud no, I am hardworking and really confident in myself, just that this seems like an internal struggle between what I had achieved and what I believed about myself....and it was really deep.
The very first time I helped a classmate of mine on a certain course in agric, and she happen to come out fifth in the whole department, I was so embarrassed with the way she was shouting all around that she passed and it was due to me helping her, tutoring her late into the night, giving her complex task and waking her upat iintervals....she happens to be graded between the 205-210th grade in that particular course, so I understand her happiness... I just laugh it off, saying she just got lucky. And of a truth, I really did not believe I had done something good or praise worthy....maybe I had just done this right.
One day, while discussing with my mentor he said something I will never forget, he said...Humility is you knowing your strengths without being arrogant, but without Imposter Syndrome is denying you of them all.*
Since then, I started paying attention to the evidences....my grades, the people who came to me for help, their feedbacks, their gratefulness and all, and I began taking note of it all, not to brag or feel proud but to always remind myself that it wasn't an accident or luck.
I also started saying thank you when people compliment me, I no longer brush it off or give ascribe it to luck, I stopped comparing my journey to that of others, and I began feeling more at ease with my capabilities while also allowing myself to be proud of the things I worked hard for.
Am so glad am improving, just recently, I was privilege to give a talk to students, and I also share my experience with them. People came by to applaud me, thank me, ask for my contact and all, what interested me more was this guy who walk up to me and said he thought he was the only one who felt the way he was, concerning one of the experiences I shared, I was glad my talk didn't just go like that, it had power and it impacted a life, if not lifes.
Like I will always say, am not perfect, am still progressing, I am a work in progress, I still have moments of doubt but much better than before, I now know how to respond...I worked for this, I learned, I earned it, and I am not an imposter.
All pictures are mine.
I am 