There once was a time that I was very generous and kind. I'd help out in ways that I could, especially financially, but all that stopped when it hit me. All the people that I was selfless to vanished when I was at my lowest. There was almost nothing left for me to stand on, and that's why I began to realise that self-loving is a thing and should be taken seriously.
Love thy neighbour as thyself, as we all know, says "as." But somehow, some of us manage to turn it into "more than." What was intended to be good to others insidiously becomes self-detrimental in the long run, which is, in other words, people-pleasing. And it comes in different shades.
I had a friend that had a weird family dynamic at home. He'd nag in the middle of our conversations back when we were kids about how he just never understood his mother. She was so selfless to the point that she almost always gives away her all to other people. And quite frankly, it concerned the boy as it directly affected him every night.
They had some extended family members live with them. For some reason, his mother gave their own bed to these family members to lie on every night. Meanwhile, this was the bed my friend, his siblings, and his mother used to share. And that's how they began sleeping on the floor for days, weeks, and then months.
The craziest thing about it all was that these family members always acted entitled and never seemed appreciative. And on top of that, the actual owners of the floor and the beds would suffer body aches every night. I just couldn't fathom it, and we were just kids back then. That didn't seem like love to me from the mother—to herself and her kids, I mean.
Truth is, there are many of us that have been like that in some way or another. Surely, it is good to be kind and nice to people, but it becomes a problem when you don't even show yourself the same level of care. It's self-sabotaging. And again, it comes in different shades.
Another example would be allowing people to treat you anyhow they want while you do your best to make sure you don't hurt their feelings. So rather than actually being assertive to call them out or at least cater for your own feelings by not tolerating it, you choose to be nice. It is at this point I'd like to separate kindness from niceness.
In my books, true kindness is something you can truly give out freely if you first give it to yourself. Niceness, on the other hand, can be people-pleasing, and it doesn't serve one any good in the end.
Does this all imply that we cannot put the needs of others above ours sometimes? Nah. That would generally make one a selfish person. The key is balance—knowing when to prioritize others and when to prioritize yourself, ensuring no one thrives at the expense of your well-being.
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