I didn’t expect to wake up one day and feel… nothing. There wasn’t some huge fight. No betrayal. Just this quiet, creeping emptiness that settled between us like fog I couldn’t clear.
We’d sit together in silence, and my mind would wander. I stopped missing him when he is gone for awhile. When I noticed that, guilt hit me hard. This isn’t what I wanted. I really did care about him. I just didn’t know love could fade this way.
Feeling anxious, with the fear of failure creeping in I was determined not to be the person who quits at the sign of difficulty so I exhaustively explored every solution. Planned dates. Watched videos on reigniting the spark. Suggested new things to try together. Laughed even when it felt forced. I hoped something would flip a switch in my heart and make it feel right again.
Sometimes people believe that break-up occurs due, to arguing; however at times one leaves when there are no words left unsaid between two individuals who rarely engage in conflicts that was the challenging aspect for me personally amidst our situation as it would have been simpler if there was a clear cause, for frustration; yet instead I felt empty inside.
It seemed like a passing phase, to me at first. I thought maybe if I hung there a bit longer those emotions would come back, to me on their own accord eventually; I held out hope that the initial spark would burst into flames once again with time and patience but strangely enough the more I tried to convince myself of this possibility the more miserable I felt inside.
I deceived them and myself with my falsehoods.
At night I'd struggle with the knowledge that they deserved more, than what I could offer. Someone without the need for pretense or false enthusiasm; someone who truly embraced their presence wholeheartedly. My feelings, for them ran yet I couldn't fabricate love that wasn't there authentically.
I didn't lose my care; I just stopped feeling the love towards you.
It pained me to consider causing them harm that single notion held me back for a period of time as I grappled with my conflict. Engaging in pretense felt simpler. Maintaining a facade through smiles, at junctures and uttering " I love you" out of habit. However in my heart of hearts I acknowledged the injustice of it all; it was certainly not fair to them or, to myself.
Releasing my grip was the act I resisted. Feigning eternal attachment seemed even more unbearable.
When I finally found the strength to say those words loud it felt like I was revealing my feelings to them without holding back.I admitted that I had reached a moment where I couldn't keep pretending and holding onto resentments that might hurt them unintentionally. We both cried. It wasn’t a noble, clean break. It was messy and painful and real.
Some might say I gave up too soon. Maybe I did. But I think staying would have been worse. It would have been easy to keep performing love for someone who deserved the real thing.
Love is more, than saying words and putting in effort; it's an emotion that needs to be nurtured and shared willingly with others. When that love fades away and despite all efforts to rekindle it proving futile; it requires strength to acknowledge that its come, to an end.
I didn't intend to depart. Remaining was not an option, for me a reality I continue to grapple with.
If I ever decide to marry and experience the sense of emptiness that drains me to the extent of losing my essence; I might consider leaving at that moment well. It would undoubtedly be an intricate decision to make; however I value authenticity and mutual understanding in any separation. I believe it is better to part ways, than prolonging a facade that deceives us both.
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