So Today is Sunday and today I woke up feeling somehow, not because I didn't sleep well, but because I had a lot on my mind before going to bed o, see it is just that kind of feeling where your body is well rested but your mind didn’t really sleep, I kept turning things over in my head last night, just thinking quietly, and also trying not to let the thoughts overwhelm me anyhow, see I know It is still too early in the year to start complaining about what life hasn’t made me achieve, nah ..... that I know, and I do keep reminding myself of that, I tell myself to breathe, to take things one step at a time, because rushing my thoughts will only make me feel worse.
Okay my worry is just about my son who isn’t with me, but with his dad, that is really where everything is coming from, no matter how strong I try to be, that part of me is still very soft, My mom woke up this morning and said she had a bad dream, and when she said that, my heart skipped a bit, You know how mothers are, especially when it comes to dreams, even if you don’t want to take it seriously, it still sits somewhere in your chest, when she said it, I just said it in my mind that he will be fine, because some things are just out of my control.
Even though I want my kids together, but somehow it isn’t possible to do so, Life didn’t turn out the way I imagined it, and I am learning, slowly, to accept that some situations don’t bend just because we want them to, I keep telling myself that I have done what I can, and the rest is not in my hands, acceptance is not easy, but it is something I am forcing myself to learn.
Well I know I shouldn’t be worried because he is with his dad, but it’s just being a mother that is doing me, that natural instinct to want your child close, to see them, to hear their voice, to know exactly how they are doing, no matter how much logic I apply, that motherly worry still shows up uninvited, I guess that is just something that never really goes away.
So today, I am choosing to be calm about everything, and I am choosing to pray quietly in my heart and go about my day gently, I am choosing not to let fear take over my thoughts, so it is okay, I guess, it will be fine, and even if my heart still feels heavy, I trust that everything will work out the way it should, one day at a time.
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