He lives with a lot of thoughts. Since middle school, his mother said, "I'm aiming in the city and studying hard!" "You need to know how to cook for marriage later!" "Before going to bed, brush your feet and grow up!" "Don't put anything but books on your desk!" It takes care of the mind etc. Her father said, "Look at the girl smoking over there! What a damn cigarette is it, smoking there shamelessly!" "Isn't that student's school uniform skirt too short? My parents didn't say anything. I was happy" "Wow, that celebrity always has a mixed meal every time she eats. Stems. I can't study." "The woman is groping without knowing anything about politics. Keep quiet!" Thoughts etc. Treated indirectly. He spends his school days bringing the direct and indirect attention of his mother and father. I don't like studying, but I go to three or more colleges to go to school in the city area, and when I get home, I complete the subjects I couldn't learn through an EBS lecture. When my parents weren't home, I forced myself to make fried rice, and even though I was tired, I went to the bathroom to see my mother watching and wiping my feet. I wonder if my mother will come into the room and glance at the table and go to the other books when I have time. Every time I put them on the bookshelf and arrange them. Also, when I saw someone smoking while passing by, he didn't hate the smell of cigarettes, but he stopped his nose and ran away. Her friends shortened her school uniform skirt, but she said, "It's better to be neat when you're a student." She said she wore a school uniform skirt that fell below her knees until she graduated from high school, keeping her distance from friends who wore short skirts. When I eat, I eat without making a sound, but as soon as I eat in the kitchen, the boy sitting next to him is whispering and eating side dishes, and his voice is so annoying and unpleasant that I move to another place. Since then, I have tried to avoid people. When viewing news on the Internet, the political section is excluded. Once upon a time, I came across the phrase [death of our country's president OOO] in a top real-time search query on a portal site. She is curious about why she died, what kind of life she lived, but after these days repeating itself a few times, she was afraid to catch the bus from a while ago. Also, when I was studying, I had a habit of tearing my lower lip, but sometimes I bled from tearing the exposed area again. However, I couldn't stop the action. He seemed broken, but there was no way to do that. I do not know how. The only thing he can do is study. Is it because I guard the hearts of the teachers so that I only need to study hard as a student. He relied more and more on his studies. He threw his anxiety over the belief that he was improving his skills little by little because he had learned something by solving dozens of problem books and listening to over several hundred rivers. As a result, he can get into the National University. (...) Two years later. His life was completely destroyed. His intense anxiety dominated his whole life. University is not a routine life like middle and high school. It is a very free place. It is a sea of possibilities where you can experience a new world of your choice, such as dating, traveling, hobbies, reading, and personal relationships. He had no choice but to live in the sea as if he was going to drown every day, the reason being that he had been inside him since middle and high school, but when he was a student, he was pressured under the status and obligation as a student to study. From the moment she became a free adult aged 20, her intense anxiety that she didn't recognize, or frankly, was acknowledged but never wanted to face, has finally emerged from the moment he was a free adult, into the realm of sleep, into the realm of consciousness, and into the cruel reality of which he had no choice but to meet. It was because it caused excruciating pain like endless wandering, crashes and trials. When his first relationship failed in his freshman year of college, his wandering took a turn for the worse. Without knowing why she was anxious, she just repeatedly wrote "I'm so worried today" in her diary every day. Even writing a diary didn't improve. Instead, they just complain, blame, and resign. It was natural for him to fall into suicidal thoughts, alcohol, stimulating foods, and excessive sleep. This was because he was able to forget his anxiety for a while. However, nothing changes life. Instead, his body and life were simply destroyed. Then one day, at a club at the university, he befriends an older sister. He approached her, as if feeling sorry, and said, "Should we have a drink with my sister today?" And took him to a bar around the university road. As the snacks and alcohol were on the table, I asked him.
"Jihyun, you seem to be reading a lot of existentialist philosophy books ..."
"Yes, I like existentialist philosophy because it deals with fundamental human subjects."
"Like what?"
"Restlessness, death, solitude, and so on. Among them, the subject I am interested in is anxiety. Man is anxious by nature. The philosopher Kierkegaard said," Anyone who has studied anxiety is someone who has learned the best. And ... "
" Wait a minute, Jihyun, I'm not interested in existentialist philosophy or whatever Kierkegaard has to say. I'm only interested in your worries and calling you. Jihyun, why are you so worried? "
" Yes? "
At this moment he felt as if he had been stripped of himself. I was shy and didn't know what to do.
But let's take a look at his sister's eyes showing genuine interest in her anxiety.
I would like to be a little more honest about myself.
"Sis, I don't know. I don't know. I hate to talk about no alternative like this. I really do. Except for just being anxious every day."
"Isn't there a reason?"
"Yes, there's no reason ..." Her eyes turned red.
"Did you listen to your parents when you were young?"
"Yes?"
"I mean, do you live by taking care of everything your parents say?"
"Right"
"
Something flashed through his head.
"That's why I'm nervous. The words I want to say are simple. Your first button is wrong.
But you left the first most important button and looked elsewhere."
"Ah ..."
"Tom, first time hearing about everything, Directly or indirectly, to tell your parents to see the elder try it. Because this is the beginning. "
On the subway back home, she begins to look inside the heart that her mother and father have taken care of since high school. Mother's attention. (1) Study hard with the aim of being in the city. She was shocked. He entered the city with his mother's goals, not his own. (2) You need to learn to cook for marriage. She was shocked again. In fact, cooking is the thing he hates the most. It's annoying looking at the grocery store, matching seasonings, and washing dishes, but I've been referencing them so far. He began to see his thoughts more and more clearly. (3) Wash your feet before going to bed. She was embarrassed to see her accept that sleeping without wiping her feet was one of completely unacceptable behaviors. Initially, he slept without washing his feet until elementary school. His behavior changed before and after his mother screamed. Now he was getting scared. (4) Don't put other books on your table. same here. I felt like I was forcefully continuing to organize, which I didn't want to do. He began to look at himself, used to referring to things he didn't want to do. Now I feel like a big change will accompany me. Father's attention (1) Women are not allowed to smoke. He drinks but never smokes. When my friends smoke, they want to smoke together, but somehow they feel rejection. As his father said, was it because the idea of harming the body preceded him? However, he laughed at his contradictory attitude of wanting to die every day and not do anything dangerous to his body. "It's really crooked." She muttered to herself. (2) Students are prohibited from shortening their school uniform skirt. He immediately checked the length of the skirt he was wearing at this time. It was a long skirt that reached to the ankles. "crazy". (3) Don't make a sound while eating. The moments when someone stumbled while eating next to them quickly escaping from their chair were revealed in my head. And when I was eating alone at a university dorm restaurant, his favorite tteokbokki came out. He usually looks around. When I confirm that there are no students, I remember the overwhelming feeling of liberation when I put the Tteokbokki in my mouth and eat it in a whisper. (4) Women should not be interested in politics. He doesn't know what the Korean president, who died five years ago, now, killed five years later. Of course, he sometimes tries to click the button after typing 'reason for the president's death' in the internet search box, but ultimately fails. "Why can't I just click on this?", "Why can't I press the 'button with my index finger, but why can't I think about the past." It seems I now know what the reason was when the distance between my heart and my actions was only 30,000 miles. All of it! She finally understood what kind of, unknown, intense, and endless influence her mother and father's attention had on herself. At that time, he was fierce. Tears rolled down the skirt. He lowered his head to stop crying. For 20 minutes, he spent time wiping the back of his hands and coat covered with a runny nose, tears and saliva with a tissue. As soon as the announcement about where she lived came out, she had to wake up with a tear lingering on her cheek, but at that moment her heart fell and started to breathe violently. This previously was not due to intense anxiety. It is willpower, anger, and hope for life. From then on, he began to rid his desires, one by one, from the attention he received from his parents for a year. At the University take time off, and cooking is done through curries from the grocery store. When I sleep, I don't wipe my legs, I just brush my teeth, and then I lie down on the bed. In addition, the writing desk is always cluttered with books, pencils and pens. After drinking with my friends, I smoke deliciously, and when shopping, i bought and wore several knee-high short skirts. Also, whatever food I eat, I eat it in a whisper. That way, I can say that I learned that I can taste food properly. I even heard close friends say, "Hey, don't be bitter. How good?" I found the reason for the death of the president in 0.1 seconds with the click of the mouse, and after that, I started looking at the articles in the political section in real time to see what kind of president should appear in Korea in the future and what policies and visions the candidates suggest. president. . As she begins to let go of her long-held attention, she can find her true desire and experience unknown, intense anxiety and melting suicidal thoughts. That doesn't mean he inserted the first button correctly. I only understand what causes the first button to be misplaced. That alone was enough for him. Thank you for living. How unfair it would be if I committed suicide without knowing this. (...) Two years later. He has become a being in his own way, different from others, among his juniors, and in the relationship between his parents and the social network who constantly pays attention to his thoughts, what the identity of goodness is, and that attention is his desire. I lived a life of rebellion, asking myself if it was the opposite of what I was doing. I am very supportive of his life. In addition, the writing desk is always cluttered with books, pencils and pens. After drinking with my friends I smoke deliciously, and while shopping, I buy and wear several knee-high short skirts. Also, whatever food I eat, I eat it in a whisper. That way, I can say that I learned that I can taste food properly. I even heard close friends say, "Hey, don't be bitter. How good?" I found the reason for the death of the president in 0.1 seconds with the click of the mouse, and after that, I started looking at the articles in the political section in real time to see what kind of president should appear in Korea in the future and what policies and visions the candidates suggest. president. . As she begins to let go of her long held attention, she can find her true desire and experience unknown, intense, anxiety. and want to melt suicide. That doesn't mean he inserted the first button correctly. I only understand what causes the first button to be misplaced. That alone was enough for him. Thank you for living. How unfair it would be if I committed suicide without knowing this. (...) Two years later. He has become a being in his own way, different from others, among his juniors, and in the relationship between his parents and the social network who constantly pays attention to his thoughts, what the identity of goodness is, and that attention is his desire. I lived a life of rebellion, asking myself if it was the opposite of what I was doing. I am very supportive of his life. In addition, the writing desk is always cluttered with books, pencils and pens. After drinking with my friends, I smoke deliciously, and when I shop, I buy and wear several knee-high short skirts. Also, whatever food I eat, I eat it in a whisper. That way, I can say that I learned that I can taste food properly. I even heard close friends say, "Hey, don't be bitter. How good?" I found the reason for the death of the president in 0.1 seconds with the click of the mouse, and after that, I started looking at the articles in the political section in real time to see what kind of president should appear in Korea in the future and what policies and visions the candidates suggest. president. . As she begins to let go of her long held attention, she can find her true desire and experience unknown, intense, anxiety. and want to melt suicide. That doesn't mean he inserted the first button correctly. I only understand what causes the first button to be misplaced. That alone was enough for him. Thank you for living. How unfair it would be if I committed suicide without knowing this. (...) Two years later. He has become a being in his own way, different from others, among his juniors, and in the relationship between his parents and the social network who constantly pays attention to his thoughts, what the identity of goodness is, and that attention is his desire. I lived a life of rebellion, asking myself if it was the opposite of what I was doing. I am very supportive of his life. While shopping, I buy and wear several short, knee-high skirts. Too, whatever food I eat, I eat it in a whisper. That way, I can say that I learned that I can taste food properly. I even heard close friends say, "Hey, don't be bitter. How good?" I found the reason for the death of the president in 0.1 seconds with the click of the mouse, and after that, I started looking at the articles in the political section in real time to see what kind of president should appear in Korea in the future and what policies and visions the candidates suggest. president. . As she begins to let go of her long-held attention, she can find her true desire and experience unknown, intense anxiety and melting suicidal thoughts. That doesn't mean he inserted the first button correctly. I only understand what causes the first button to be misplaced. That alone was enough for him. Thank you for living. How unfair it would be if I committed suicide without knowing this. (...) Two years later. He has become a being in his own way, different from others, among his juniors, and in the relationship between his parents and the social network who constantly pays attention to his thoughts, what the identity of goodness is, and that attention is his desire. I lived a life of rebellion, asking myself if it was the opposite of what I was doing. I am very supportive of his life. While shopping, I buy and wear several short, knee-high skirts. Also, whatever food I eat, I eat it in a whisper. Therefore, I can say that I learned that I can taste food properly. I even heard close friends say, "Hey, don't be bitter. How good?" I found the reason for the death of the president in 0.1 seconds with the click of the mouse, and after that, I started looking at the articles in the political section in real time to see what kind of president should appear in Korea in the future and what policies and visions the candidates suggest. president. . As she begins to let go of her long-held attention, she can find her true desire and experience unknown, intense anxiety and melting suicidal thoughts. That doesn't mean he inserted the first button correctly. I only understand what causes the first button to be misplaced. That alone was enough for him. Thank you for living. How unfair it would be if I committed suicide without knowing this. (...) Two years later. He has become a being in his own way, different from others, among his juniors, and in the relationship between his parents and the social network who constantly pays attention to his thoughts, what the identity of goodness is, and that attention is his desire. I lived a life of rebellion, asking myself if it was the opposite of what I was doing. I am very supportive of his life. I even heard that word. I found the reason for the death of the president in 0.1 seconds with the click of the mouse, and after that, I started looking at articles in the political section in real time to see what kind of president should appear in Korea in the future and what policies and visions the presidential candidates suggest. . As she begins to let go of her long-held attention, she can find her true desire and experience unknown, intense anxiety and melting suicidal thoughts. That doesn't mean he inserted the first button correctly. I only understand what causes the first button to be misplaced. That alone was enough for him. Thank you for living. How unfair it would be if I committed suicide without knowing this. (...) Two years later. He has become a being in his own way, different from others, among his juniors, and in the relationship between his parents and social networks that are constantly paying attention to his thoughts, what the identity of goodness is, and that attention is his desire. I lived a life of rebellion, asking myself if it was the opposite of what I was doing. I am very supportive of his life. I even heard that word. I found the reason for the death of the president in 0.1 seconds with the click of the mouse, and after that, I started looking at the articles in the political section in real time to see what kind of president should appear in Korea in the future and what policies and visions the candidates suggest. president. . As she begins to let go of her long held attention, she can find her true desire and experience unknown, intense, anxiety. and want to melt suicide. That doesn't mean he inserted the first button correctly. I only understand what causes the first button to be misplaced. That alone was enough for him. Thank you for living. How unfair it would be if I committed suicide without knowing this. (...) Two years later. He has become a being in his own way, different from others, among his juniors, and in the relationship between his parents and the social network who constantly pays attention to his thoughts, what the identity of goodness is, and that attention is his desire. I lived a life of rebellion, asking myself if it was the opposite of what I was doing. I am very supportive of his life. That alone was enough for him. Thank you for living. How unfair it would be if I committed suicide without knowing this. (...) Two years later. He has become a being in his own way, different from others, among his juniors, and in the relationship between his parents and the social network who is constantly paying attention to his thoughts, what the identity of goodness is, and that attention is his desire. I lived a life of rebellion, asking myself if it was the opposite of what I was doing. I am very supportive of his life. That alone was enough for him. Thank you for living. How unfair it would be if I committed suicide without knowing this. (...) Two years later. He has become a being in his own way, different from others, among his juniors, and in the relationship between his parents and social networks that are constantly paying attention to his thoughts, what the identity of goodness is, and that attention is his desire. I lived a life of rebellion, asking myself if it was the opposite of what I was doing. I am very supportive of his life.