From most people's perspective, I don't have much of a social life.
Never have had.
However, I am definitely not what people would typically classify as ”antisocial.”
For some, that might come across as an incomprehensible nuance that borders on hairsplitting, but there's a big difference between being antisocial and simply not being very social.
Although I did battle shyness to some extent when I was a little kid, that pretty much went away by the time I went to high school. I should also clarify that I don't suffer from any anxiety disorders, social phobias, agoraphobia or similar psychological issues.
Add to that that I also like people perfectly well enough, but very small doses go really long way for me... and you have what seems like a strange paradox. Or DO you?
Our Extraverted and Social World
Although this may hold more true in western cultures, we live in what I would generally classify as a very extraverted world. People are expected to engage in lots of social activities, have lots and lots of friends, and to generally be very busy doing lots and lots of ”exciting things.”
One of the unfortunate ”side effects” of that is that those among us who tend to mostly keep to ourselves and not participate in very many things are often regarded as having something ”wrong” with them.
This tends to even be reinforced by popular culture through truisms like ”It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for!” and the predisposition among many to equate the choice to mostly stay at home and keep to yourself with being the breeding ground for "Unabombers" and deranged school shooters.
Which I can pretty much assure you it isn't!
The Experience of “Social”
So what exactly makes a person become non-social? Or is there no "becoming" involved, because it is an attribute you're more or less born with? Does it really need to be "fixed?"
Keeping in mind that ”non-social” is also not the same thing as introversion, for me the experience is simply one of acting on my preferences of how to spend my time... which tends to be in solitary states. The key here is that there is no active "avoiding people" involved in this process.
Earlier today, Mrs. Denmarkguy mentioned that there was some kind of steampunk event happening at a venue in our downtown and suggested that it might be a fun thing to go to. I thought about it, for a few moments...
The first thing that came to my mind, was that it would be an exhausting thing to go to.
And that's an important distinction to make when trying to understand ”non-social” people. Sure, the event might be fun, and we’d probably go with friends, and it by no means sounded frightening or nervous making... however, the idea of getting dressed up and spending maybe three to four hours around a bunch of people brings to mind only the image of coming home and being absolutely drained of all energy — physical and emotional.
In short, I find the experience of having to be ”on” to be exhausting, and the benefit/enjoyment derived seems like it would be far less than the discomfort endured.
Thinking about it further, even having a couple of close friends over for dinner and maybe playing cards works best when I feel reasonably sure that the whole process doesn't take more than maybe three hours. After that I start ”fading” really fast! In all this, I might really look forward to seeing these friends!
This has nothing to do with aging either; I was generally considered a Grade A ”stick-in-the-mud” during my college years because I had pretty much zero interest in going to parties and getting wasted every weekend.
Nor has it ever really felt like an expression of nerdiness; it was was never a case of "foregoing the party to go to chess club," or to stay home so I could immerse myself in gaming.
The Pervasive Need to “Diagnose...”
I suppose I mostly ended up writing this post as a reflection on the reality that the greater world often finds it so necessary to ”diagnose” those who don't fit into the social structure according to a certain prescribed set of norms.
The thing is, I am perfectly content was keeping my own company 95% of the time, and in spite of that I harbor no secret desires to build a bomb and blow up the local post office, nor do I want to abduct small children and eat their brains! And I definitely don't need a pill to make me happier!
And maybe that is truly where we approach the root of the matter: To the social majority, a look at the world of the non-social person immediately brings to mind the thought ”How can you possibly be happy like that? Have you considered that you might be depressed? Have you thought about seeking counseling?”
Truth is, it doesn't feel — and never has felt — like something is missing, because of the choices I make.
However, on occasion I experience flashes of doubt.
I consider that there is a considerable amount of "pressure" from various studies and scientific "wisdom" that people live longer when they are social, and are less likely to be depressed when they spend time with friends... the "problem" being that most of these studies is that they don't mention the fact that the data contains outliers that don't actually support the majority findings of the study.
Never forget that when someone says "MOST people think/do XYZ" it could simply mean that it's the preference of 50.1% of the people!
The CHOICE to Live Authentically
When we make the choice to live authentically, one of the things we're often faced with is that there will be aspects of that authenticity that falls somewhere outside the norm.
We tend to more readily accept that some people are extremely tall or have unusually bright blue eyes because those aren't choices, but such attributes nonetheless makes a person an outlier.
When our Authentic Choices are not based in fear or avoidance but in sincerely preference, it's not really all that different from these outliers. We just got there via a different path!
Thanks for reading, and have a great remainder of your week!
How about YOU? Do you consider yourself a "social" person? Are you generally extraverted or introverted? Do you enjoy — or PREFER — your own company over that of other people? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!
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Created at 20211206 19:15 PST
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